I assumed my children were included in brother’s barbecue invitation

For me the question is why did he leave your kids out? I understand that as far as he is concerned his original invitation/text was clear it was just for you and DH. But honestly I would want to know why he didn’t include the kids?

The man is odd. What’s the big deal to texting and asking if the kids are invited. He’s hard work and a bbq deserves burgers and sausages. Salmon is a week day staple. I don’t want it bbq’d thank you ☺️
This is all tongue in cheek btw but I couldn’t be bothered with a sibling who acts like this to be honest.

I initially said YANBU, but as I read your comments it became clear that you know your brother, and his foibles, very well. So you should have interpreted the message in the way that he intended it to interpreted.

Well he sounds autistic to me. Gavel

What exactly did he expect you to do with your children all afternoon? I’d say he should assume you’re a package and specify who’s not invited if and when it’s not all of you. What a strange man.

this is the bit I'm stuck on.

ok, he's VERY literal, and given that it might have been wise to message SIL and say can I just confirm, the kids aren't invited? just so I know I need to decline / sort childcare?

but the bigger question is why? it feels like such a spiteful thing to do. oh look, he's my mates and their kids but your kids aren't welcome.

I would definitely expect my kids to be included in an invite to a bbq at my brothers on an afternoon. I’d see it as a family gathering !

Yes I would absolutely assume my kids were invited and if I was having the bbq they would assume their kids were invited.

How weird , he sounds up tight. They are family why wouldn’t they be invited to a family BBQ.

I’d automatically assume my kids were invited! What does he expect you to do with them?

But why were your children not invited? That is utterly bizarre! Of course he can invite who he likes, but nobody (other than your brother) invites their sister and BIL to an afternoon barbecue to which other children are invited and intentionally leaves out their niblings.

Why on earth do you both with him at all? I wouldn’t.

Why didn't he want your kids there? It's all very odd tbh. I think he's undiagnosed ASD tbh. Not wanting to talk on the phone and saying all the info is in the message and being so black and white about it all smacks of ASD or at least some sort of ND with ASD traits.

FGS just ask him! It'd have been quicker to find out directly from him than ask here! Don't you have a decent relationship with him? 🙄

Yanbu
I would have definitely assumed the same and taken my DC.

Sorry but your DB and SIL are quite odd imo.

I would always assume my kids were included in an invitation from my brother.

But it's clear from everything you already know about your brother that your kids are not invited this time.

so, you know he is rigid and literal, his text was clear, and you seem to hold your own rigid opinion that 'you only mention the people who are invited, not those who aren't'.

I'm confused as to why you made the assumption this time.

I see both sides. Sometimes I explicitly say ‘we’re having a get together with food and drinks, if you can get a sitter be great to see you’. I know some of my friends find that rude, but I find it rude having planned an afternoon of adult conversation, food and music, to then be asked to put kids tv on, be interrupted, asked to mind my language and ‘do you have any normal food for the kids’. I think if you invite the family inc kids you cater accordingly but if you’ve been clear and friends bring kids anyway, I make it deliberately awkward, ‘no sorry, I don’t have normal food because I hadn’t planned to have kids here….

Your brother sounds like he needs to be on the receiving end of his own style of treatment once in a while. There’s no issue with it being a no kids event, but then state that. It’s fair to assume if they invite you , on a Sunday afternoon you’d assume his nieces were invited. For any other family event you would say, adults only if this was to be the case. Lesson learned. And tbh if this were my brother I wouldn’t be arsed to engage at all in things like this. His responses just come across as plain rude and intolerant of others and differing opinions. It’s funny how he can be direct to your face but can’t handle a phone call 🤔 and I’m ND myself, so I do miss social cues sometimes. Given he had form for this, you definitely always need to clarify if unsure.

Of course you would expect your children to be invited to an afternoon BBQ. Your brother sounds really peculiar and obviously not family orientated. Nice to know a dog gets an invite over your kids I'm sure.

He sounds weird and rude, can’t imagine having to guess and communicate like that with my sister. Can’t imagine my sister inviting others kids but not mine. Whole thing is strange

Yes a Sunday afternoon for all family

he sounds weird

I know you say he’s not ND but his behaviours and SILs are classic ND traits displayed by members of my DH family who range from undiagnosed through dyslexia to ADHD to AuAdHD.

it is how he is and you know that so there’s no point getting annoyed. You just need to thoroughly double check in the future.

Of course - it’s day time and you’ve been invited by a family member so it’s safe to assume family are invited!

Are you sure he’s not nd just undiagnosed?
Regardless, he sounds like a dick why are you putting up with this ridiculous nonsense.
All very well having performative compassion for strangers but acts like a controlling arse to his family.