I assumed my children were included in brother’s barbecue invitation

I’ve read your previous flower girl post too. Your brother and SIL are seriously weird and for some reason obviously have a problem with your daughters. Personally I’d confront him about it and ask him outright as their behaviour towards them is hurtful and rude.

I don't have time for drama like this, it would be no I'm not available to future invites, we can meet at family events.

Initially I thought of course I'd assume kids would be invited. But he seems very rigid and if he didn't specifically invite the kids then from what you've said about him now I'd not have assumed they are invited and would have sent a text to check.

I think that's pretty odd behaviour but if he is always like this then you should know what to expect really.

Yeah, what did you expect to do with your kids? Just leave them at home? How old are they?

I’m assuming not old enough to leave alone at home, if he’s got a one year old, but maybe if they are older teens who eat a lot he didn’t want them there.

It’s so weird that he wouldn’t either specify “adults only” or not expect you to rock up with …. Your family!!!!

I would have gone home instead of treating the kids like lepers!

Was this Bbq really boozy and druggy?

OP, I'm not going to find childcare to go to an afternoon BBQ without my kid if there are other children there, regardless of what food he serves. If you feel the same, explain this to your brother. He will be in this situation time and time again if not.

You sometimes get this sort of situation from people who don't have kids but now he has one, he needs to realise that if he wants you there his nieces and nephews need to be welcomed and not merely accommodated. I suspect there is some neurodiversity involved which is why he might benefit from a clear explanation.

Personally, I think life is too short to go places where my kids aren't welcome so I don't, unless it is an obvious kid free event (night out in a pub) and then I choose wisely whether it is worth the effort of sourcing child care or not.

I would also like to know what was on the menu!

I don't have children, so I'm often at events that aren't particularly set up for families, but even I would assume that an afternoon BBQ is a family event unless specificied otherwise. And if I was doing a BBQ, and for some reason decided it was adults only, I'd expect to be clear in the invite - that it was adults only, didn't want to exclude you from the invite but do understand if you can't make it - because who in their right mind would ship their kids off to a babysitter for an afternoon to attend a BBQ?
Also, I'm autistic and prefer text and take things pretty literally, but this is just another level. Honestly I think the fact that he excluded your children once you were there by making them sit inside for a film is inexcusable, I wouldn't accept invites from him again. It's weird and controlling.

It sounds like he has been consistent. If you are named on the invite, you are invited.

If this has always been the case, how are you still not understanding him?

Probably but would depend on the age of the children. I mean if they’re teenagers they might prefer being left at home.

Your brother is rude.

I would not expect that he meant the kids too if he specifically said you and your husband, no.

To me, thats clearly saying dont bring the kids.

Yeah I would assume if family invited us for an afternoon bbq it included everyone. He moans at your communication style but his social norms are not coherent in the way I think most people are. He should have stipulated no kids

These people walk among us, your brother is very odd.

He expected you to fork out for a babysitter, just to go to a BBQ?

Families with children do come as a package, the norm should be the family attends, a daytime family event.

it was a BBQ not an adults only wedding and not inviting a family to a daytime Sunday BBQ is unwelcoming and rude.

I would not bother to attend if my children weren’t invited.

This. It’s his communication choices which have caused the misunderstanding. And if he made it obvious that the kids shouldn’t have been there he’s a graceless host as well as being odd for not wanting his nieces/nephews at a weekend bbq.

It's your brother's style of communication that's problematic

He has his own child who would be there so of course i would assume the kids were invited. Where did he think you were going to 'put' the kids while the two of you popped out. How weird

I would absolutely think that anyone I'm close enough with to warrant an invite to their afternoon BBQ would expect me to arrive with my DD (3 y/o) - especially if it was a family member!
Unless it was made clear in the invite that it was a hen do or something else that is usually just for adults.

Where other children are invited and you would have to get child care on a Sunday afternoon to go to what sounds like a casual barbecue at your brother's house. It wouldn't have crossed my mind that DC were not invited. My brother would have laughed if I'd rung to ask it would be so obvious that they would have to go. He would have to had said sorry I can't invite the children this time we're having a stripper or something such.

If it said "do you and Mike want to come", I'd check. I'd say "would you all/would you Mike and the kids" if I was meaning all of you.
But then, if I was specifically wanted a no kids get together so everyone could relax and not worry about some kids running into the grill, I'd be sure to write adults only..
Is it just a family get together?
Because pre-kids, we planned a BBQ with friends, and I didn't specify no kids, because only one of our friends had one, and she lived with her parents who were happy to always babysit. But she turned up with her kid and her dad, and let him wreck the house/nearly run into the grill-so I should have been clear adults only!

Life's too short to engage with awkward twats like your brother. I would decline invites to his from now on. Who needs this ??

I want to hear more about the not sausage and burger food.

YANBU

It is weird. But so is you not checking - by TEXT - given you obviously already know he's a bit funny about invites and doesn't want to be phoned?