AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

Sounds like you should take your daughter to the restaurant as an immediate family thing and just have cousins over for a takeaway or whatever on another night. She wants to see her cousins and wants to go to that specific restaurant. They don’t have to happen at the same time.

Maybe I do lack reading comprehension because that was gobbledygook

I think this is an excellent solution actually.

They still get to come over and go to the cinema and by saying that is the end of the "official" celebration then the cousins are included.

If the meal afterwards is then billed as optional for those who wish to come then I don't see they can object at being left out. Frankly if they have such restricted diets then, sooner or later, they are going to have to get used to the idea that there will be things they miss out on. People may accommodate this pickiness while they are children but the older they get the less likely it is that others will be willing to do so.

Maybe you could ask the restaurant if they could do some chicken nuggets for your brother's children? If you explained the problem well in advance, they might be able to accommodate them.

And I would say that the cousins, especially the oldest who, at 11, is nearly the same age as the birthday girl, are old enough to accept that if they continue with such a ridiculously restricted diet then they are increasingly going to find social occasions difficult for them to attend.

What next?

Can't do school residential because they might be expected to eat something not on their short list.

Can't attend school prom because they are serving a proper meal.

Can't attend family weddings because the bride and groom want to serve their guests something other than chicken nuggets and chips.

Hard disagree. The family always eat at the same not very interesting restaurants to cater for the lowest common denominator (the fussy eaters), so why shouldn't she eat at where she wants to for once for her birthday?

She just needs to accept that the fussy eaters won't be there.

Lots of kids don’t eat fish, if they are your DNs surely you have an idea of what they do and don’t like … you said your DD wants to spend it with her cousins but then won’t change a restaurant that they won’t eat in?!? So if they don’t go then she won’t be spending her birthday with them, so pointless.

No pasta dishes at the seafood restaurant?

I dont really think you're being unreasonable in letting your daughter choose where she wants to go and sticking to it.

Your daughter is technically being a bit unreasonable in that she has 'chosen to spend time with her cousins' but also chosen a restaurant they don't like the food at and isn't willing to swap.
Saying that, she's just a child so 🤷‍♀️

I think you should just explain that it's her bday so you're happy to take her to that restaurant but let her know that might mean her cousins won't come, then she can choose which is more important to her

I would not mind if people who had always had their own way for years expected my wedding to be about them! And gave it a miss when it proved otherwise. Though in fact we catered to the dietary preferences of all guests, none of whom were prima donnas.

Nevertheless you are making quite the leap of logic to suggest that wanting to wrest the choice of restaurant from these particular cousins for the first time, for your own birthday means you are a bridezilla in the making.

I was no bridezilla and, pending news of medical (including MH) diagnoses for the cousins, I think they sound awful. Fussy eaters should be coped with in a low key way. Family celebrations should not revolve around catering to them, as has been happening with this poor family for far too long.

OP, have your extended family been the guests of your brother at these meals when his children choose the restaurants? That is the only possible excuse I can think of for catering to the whims of his children.

But only those invitees, though, never mind the ones that are happy with the restaurant and are probably glad they don’t have to cater yet again to fussy eaters?

And yes, God forbid someone have the wedding they want, rather than one other people want them to have. I truly hope she does grow into someone that understands that she doesn’t always have to put others above herself.

She has suggested a place where they serve one of the three foods they will eat, and it's still not good enough.

That is taking into account their needs. Perhaps not their specific wants for chicken nuggets, but I think that's perfectly reasonable om her birthday when the whole rest of the family would like to go there for a change.

So your analogy would be more accurate as saying she won't hold her wedding in one of the three locations they can attend, but will hold it in another one of the three locations they can attend.

Reading threads like this makes me glad that my kids were children over twenty years ago, and you didn’t have to pamper to everybody’s wishes. Yes, you did host, but you didn’t have to run a menu beforehand with all the guests, to check there was something they could eat. The guests simply accepted what was on offer.

@randomcar1990 I hope you all had a happy day yesterday, one way or another and that your dd enjoyed her birthday.

But when they are the hosts, they pick somewhere the OP’s DD doesn’t like, because of their own fussy eating.

Imo the 12 year old not taking into account her guest's needs transforms into the 25 year old planning a destination wedding regardless of who can afford it. Yes, you can do that /be that person. You miss out on the people in favour of the product. Fair enough if that's what you want.

Teetering 😉

They have had their own way every time the family has gone to a restaurant for a long time now. And it isn’t their birthday.

Only if you lacking reading comprehension, or think exclusively in binary.

Parodying the notion that a girl cannot expect anything to ever be about her is not, without doing gymnastics with your imagination, the same thing as saying she should expect everything to be about her.

So no. No, I did not.

Did I state otherwise?

Kind of, yes. You were implying that OPs daughter was being denied any expression of her needs and wishes if they went to a different restaurant because some of the guests don’t want to go there.

Did I state otherwise?

OP and her wider family have displayed ample consideration. It’s the brother that expects his family to be accommodated every time.

There are indeed times when it is perfectly acceptable to prioritize yourself, and times when it isn’t appropriate. The former is a valuable lesson for OP’s daughter, and the latter a valuable lesson for the brother’s family.

You need to take both your own needs and others into consideration. Never thinking of others is as dysfunctional as never thinking of yourself.

No, they’re invitees, and can graciously decline the invitation.

Think of the guests? The vast majority of are quite happy with the choice of restaurant.

The brother and cousins don’t have to be guests if it doesn’t suit them, free as they are to decline.

....She is still forcing her parents or other families.....

How does a 12 yo 'force' anyone to do anything?