AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

I’d explain to your daughter that she can have her birthday dinner where she likes but if she wants her guests to enjoy it too she might want to pick somewhere else. Hopefully she will change her mind. You could offer to go to her favourite place with just the two of you another time.

She's 12 so not a milestone birthday. If she wants to go somewhere fancy then take her but don't bother with the rest of the family if they're going to be difficult. A lot of people are picky about fish but it doesn't sound like their kind of place either and your daughter might enjoy it better without them.

So I told him that his kids can have chips.

Such a convivial host!

‘let our daughter plan the entire day’

Think that’d be OK if the day was involving the nuclear family and / or a friend or two with very similar tastes, but seems unwise when involving others.

most 12 year olds don’t have the social experience/ skills to manage situations like the one that has arisen. It could be a useful lesson in hosting / compromise.

You can insist on the restaurant but you can't insist on your brother going. I wouldn't force my kids to go to a restaurant where they wouldn't like the food. Just split ways after the cinema. No need to make it a big thing.

I agree with this. I think your brother is being a bit of a jerk but it sounds likke a very vad idea to take every one out to a fancy meal thr three cousins don’t want to eat. The kids are hoong to be bored if they are not eating. Its hoing to devolve into a shit show.

OP, this is a good opportunity for DD to learn how invitations work. You can invite someone and if it doesn't work for them, they won't come. If you want young kids there, especially those with a limited palate, you need to compromise.

My DD gets to pick a restaurant on her birthday and her cousin is veggie, and she always considers the veggie options when choosing as she values her cousin's presence and happiness over a particular venue, which I am pleased about as this accords with my values. cousin is very easy going but DD feels it should be fair that she gets a decent choice.

I am more interested in hanging out with people than going to a particular restaurant. Both you and your DD sound like you are more bothered about the venue than the company. If you are okay with that, you are being entirely reasonable, as is your brother if he doesn't want to come. Entertaining 3 small children who won't eat the food is the stuff of nightmares for me so I do completely understand if your brother declines.

Are there dishes on the adult menu they would eat?

Fine not to change the restaurant but I would probably give it a swerve in your brothers shoes, youve gone with an expensive restaurant with a menu that if you don’t like fish is going to be hard to find something you like. I know you have given your dd free rein to plan her day but it’s a bit crap to say well your kids can just eat chips then

Then his family's enjoyment should have been factored in.

I have autistic children with very limited safe foods. Each have their favourite restaurant, one eats chips only at her brother’s favourite and then at her favourite, her brother eats only a side he likes. It’s just the way we do it and it works completely fine.

I just make sure they have something else at home first so they’re not overly hungry on just a small meal/side at the restaurant and sometimes my dd will grab a Mcds drive thru on the way home and ds sometimes leave some of his snacks in the car for afterwards. It works for us and it’s one meal and your daughter’s birthday choice. My dd always chooses pizza which ds has never even tried and will never try, he still happily comes along to celebrate and has a side and a dessert.

Then he is being unreasonable. If the restaurant doesn't suit and your dd doesn't want to change it then he should just decline. I can understand why he might be disappointed at your dd's decision as she is prioritising the restaurant over her cousins but he doesn't get to decide on her priorities or object if he doesn't agree with her decision.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable.

But I do think that if I wanted to spend the day with specific people for my birthday, I would try to make sure that my guests had fun too.

In terms of etiquette, it's basic to choose a venue or menu that is suitable for the guests you want to attend.

I think your DD should have been encouraged to consider whether her priority was the food or the enjoyment of the invited group.

If I was your brother though I wouldn't have said anything, just declined.

Basically both sides are unreasonable!

It depends. I don't think anyone is being completely reasonable or completely unreasonable. If your dd wants to spend the day with her cousins, she should be taking their food preferences in to account and choosing a restaurant that suits everybody. If she's not bothered if they come, then fire ahead with her choice of restaurant and accept the cousins may not come.

So basically, which is more important to her - the restaurant or the cousins? Both are reasonable preferences to have but if the restaurant is more important, then she doesn't get to be put out at the cousins not coming.

Of course she has the right to choose the restaurant, but given that the intention of the day is to spend time with her cousins it would seem to make sense to choose somewhere they would be more comfortable with and save the seafood place for a meal with just your family.

I voted YANBU, but I’m teaching on the edge of changing my mind.

It’s completely understandable that your daughter wants her birthday party to be in a place she likes but there are presumably other places that she likes and she could have a special meal in a special place sometime else.

As she’s wanting a party and inviting people to attend, then she has to decide which is more important. The party or the special meal. It’s a shame to leave out close relatives because you cannot bend on where the party should be held. Have the party somewhere else and have a special meal in the seafood restaurant at another time, just with you.

I’m vegan and there’s no way I would be eating fish. Nevertheless, I can usually find something acceptable. Still, it’s nice when the venue is somewhere that all the people you want to attend your party (if you really do want them all to attend) can enjoy the food.

You have two choices - insist on the fish restaurant and exclude your brother and his family OR go somewhere else that everyone can enjoy and take your daughter to the fish restaurant on another day. She's 12. She's old enough to understand.

Surely they can have the fun at the cinema with you and then leave before you head off for food?

Asking them to go and not eat isn’t fair.

stick with where you have booked is fine but you can’t expect them to come along if it’s not suitable for them.

How expensive? I’d feel a bit at having to pay for the meal tbh. It if you say everyone else is okay with it…

DD’s desire to spend time with her extended family conflicts with her desire to eat at a costly place some of them would dislike.