AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

If she's chosen a restaurant specifically knowing her cousins won't like it, it doesn't really sound like she wants them to go anyway.

Personally I wouldn’t choose a restaurant that doesn’t work for others if the purpose is to spend time with those people.

I do think when you are inviting younger children you have to be more understanding and accommodating than you would be for adults.

Is your daughter okay with her cousins not being at the restaurant meal?

She's already having another birthday party with her friends the following week. So this will be two events for a non-landmark birthday, which is pretty generous.

Why can't you just spend the day with the family and cousins and then the immediate family take your daughter to the expensive restaurant in the evening? I wouldn't expect extended family to even semi-fork out for an expensive restaurant for a 12th birthday.

There is an awful lot of fuss going on for a 12th birthday anyway. Sounds like learning that sometimes you need to think of others in plans wouldn’t actually impact on things much anyway as it’s just one of a lot of events and may do her some good!

At 12 your dd is old enough to learn that the needs and preferences of guests has to be considered and catered for. You should be teaching her that. The lack of compromise is selfish and isn't teaching life lessons.

Have a mother/dd dinner at the fish restaurant.

YABU.

You need to explain to your dd that she has a choice.

It is either more important to her to go to a particular restaurant, which she will then be going to with just her parents. OR she can choose to go for a meal with the extended family, but it will have to be at a restaurant that everyone will enjoy.

It's not difficult.
Your brother is not being unreasonable to not want to pay our big money to sit and have his family watch you eat. That is a ridiculous ask. It is still a ridiculous ask even if you were treating them all.

At 11 / 12 your dd is old enough to understand something is only fun if everyone who is there is enjoying it too. Either round of the day with BBQ / pizza / takeaway at yours, or go to a local pub where everyone can find something they like if the company is important to her, or, explain to her she won't be spending the day with her cousins, but she can go to the fancy fish restaurant with you and her Dad instead.

What a fuss, he can just eat chips. It's not his special day

If her goal is to spend the day with her cousins then Id pick a different restaurant and just do an immediate family meal instead at seafood restaurant

Why don't you offer to take her to the restaurant just with immediate family (or just you) another time and chose a cheaper place that.everyone will like for the party. Twelve year olds are old enough to understand food preferences and to want their guests to enjoy the outing too.

Just a note to the 'make them less fussy' - I'm reading a really interesting book 'Gastrophysics' that talks about how we all perceive tastes and smells in a different way due to genetic differences in how we process smells/tastes.

So people who you say are fussy are likely to perceive the foods you like in a different way to you - they may (as someone above does) find the smell abhorrent - this isn't fussiness, it's genetic difference.

But she is prioritising the restaurant and there is nothing wrong with that. She knows the cousins won't like anything on the menu but still wants to go there. Prioritising the restaurant experience over catering to her cousins is not malicious and I never said it was. We all make choices over what is more important to us and that is different for everybody. I can particularly understand her prioritising the restaurant if her cousins are ridiculously fussy and only eat low common denominator "kids' food".

My dd was, and still is, a foodie. She would have loved a posh seafood restaurant so I know where your dd is coming from.

I would resent having to pay a lot for a meal most of us wouldn’t enjoy.
Is this a good time to explain that? Get a cheaper meal, and do the fish restaurant separately another day.

Honestly, do you want her to turn into the kind of adult who organises expensive hen do, and wedding on the other side of the world, then gets upset that not everyone will join in?

They can have birthday cake at home then the rest of you can enjoy the restaurant - and it saves you having to subsidise them financially.

Skip the meal and have a bbq at home with all the cousins and then take your dd separately for a meal at the restaurant she wants later in the week or the next day. That way you’re not putting people in the position of paying for an expensive meal and excluding cousins and your dd still gets everything she wants.

I think it's fine for you all to have a lovely day together and then split for dinner.

I would discuss this with your daughter though and say - 'oh you know, cousins don't like fish so they won't be joining us for dinner' - if she then says she would rather have her cousins there at a different restaurant then that is her choice.

Then it is a them problem. They need to teach their kids to stop being so fussy or they will miss out. Having a list as long as your arm of things you won’t eat is ridiculous (allergies notwithstanding)

She should understand at 12 that there is nothing on the menu her cousins can eat. Fair play to your brother for still being willing to go as there is no way I would.

I don’t think anyone thinks she’s being malicious or nasty.
Prioritising the restaurant is just a factual description of what’s happening.

Honestly I think you are being a little unreasonable. It is normal to choose a place that you think will suit the people you are inviting. She wants to spend time with her cousins so it would be nice to choose a place that those three can eat at. Otherwise just have a meal at the fish restaurant with your dd and ds. I suppose it depends what is most important - eating at that specific restaurant or spending time with the cousins somewhere less expensive and with more things they would eat on the menu.

Absolutely cannot bear fish, the sight and smell of it turns my stomach. But that’s a
”me” issue. I would decline the invite and give the reasons, but meet up either before or after the meal.
No big deal at all. I certainly wouldn’t be trying to change the birthday girls choice! Hope you have a lovely time!

She wants to spend the whole day with her cousins

Then teach her how to plan an enjoyable day for others.

You're teaching her the wrong lesson here, she does need to understand how to interact socially.

It's fair enough that they don't like fish, but it's not fair that they should moan at you about it. They said they didn't even have an alternative restaurant in mind so why don't they just decline? Or accept the kids having chips and dessert?

Do they expect you to both not go to the place your daughter likes, but also not go out at all? That's ridiculous.