AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

I’m not loaded, but I wouldn’t invite people out for my child’s birthday and not pay. I couldn’t afford to for a big group so I’d go immediate family and then do something else with group.

This crops up frequently on mumsnet.

All the loaded mumsnetters always assume that a meal at a restaurant is paid for by the birthday person.

Meanwhile, in the real world, everyone else assumes that they will be paying for themselves. It is a meal not a party, and the birthday person isn't hosting.

I would say that it depends on what the invitation say.

Unless the family is loaded, I wouldn’t assume I have been invited for a free meal especially when so many people are involved.

If she's absolutely he'll bent on the entire day being with family then she needs to learn to make compromises and maybe go to the fancy fish place another time when she's not stating she wants everyone with her

Else she's just gonna have to learn that people have their own tastes and if they don't like the option they aren't forced to come

As a parent of a couple of picky eaters, one very restricted, I wouldn't be kicking up a fuss about this. We can and did go to restaurants where two of our kids would just have chips and dessert. If anything in an expensive place it was a bit of a relief, as it was generally a pretty cost effective way for us as adults to have nice mains offset by the cheapness of the chips & dessert combo. The kids would have peanut butter sandwiches prior to help with the wait.

The 'burden' of managing fussy eating rests with the family - the parents and the fussy child/ren - not anyone else. If the wider family generally caters to the fussy members I don't see why it's such a big deal to have one meal where that is not the case. Your brother needs to pull his head in and parent his kids rather than making it your daughter's problem.

Why should she?
A burger place isn't very celebratory.

Ah, the bad parenting accusations.

Restricted diets can be incredibly complex. They are often a feature of autism but they can also be a form of control by the child. I only ate about three things after my brother was born when I was 3 - it practically broke my parents trying to get me to eat properly.

I then adopted a child who had even more good issues than I had! We went to Madeira for a week and she ate plain pasta in every restaurant.

Foreign kids may have different ways to express their distress than over food, but here it is so often around food.

It's stressful for the parents too, who may have inadvertently created the conditions for it to thrive, but blaming isn't going to help.

I just think any family dealing with this stuff should be shown some compassion and not made to feel blamed or excluded.

And that is why many children don’t eat a wide variety of foods.

They’re 2 kids- they don’t dictate what the greater group does. Kids just fit in. The reason they’re picky is likely because parents are constantly catering to their picky eating and enforcing this on everyone else too. I have two young children and barely glance at a child’s menu as we will make do with what is there. Your brother can feed them prior to the meal out and they can munch on chips while there. It’s really not rude to suggest kids just eat chips while out, fairly standard.

An alternative would be to contact the restaurant to see if they can make whatever the kids usually like. Since you’re booking a large party they might be accommodating!

A seafood restaurant is my worst nightmare, but I'd absolutely not let your daughter change where she wants to eat.

They can eat chips and dessert.

What if DD is not keen on burgers?

Sorry, but this seems an awful lot of fuss for a 12 year olds birthday. If it was her 21st then fair enough.
Just go out to a burger restaurant and take her to the seafood restaurant another time.

How did these children end up with such a restrictive diet? Bad parenting. If these options had Never been available they wouldn't have started restricting the options. Down to Parents every single time.

I've seen a few comments about the daughter choosing between having everyone there and the restaurant she wants... But as a vegetarian from age 5 (when chips and onion rings were a good option!) and a vegan for 18 years I wouldn't dream of making someone pick a place for me. I would just accept that for this one dinner is have chips and enjoy the company. I can't imagine there are many kids that wouldn't be happy with chips and maybe some other sides / starters. It just teaches them that sometimes the world isn't going to go your way and you have to adapt. I've been to places that don't have vegan options and just asked the chef to make something and with my daughter, I've had restaurants offer to make her some tomato pasta before when there was nothing vegan on the kids menu (she normally just shares with me and I get extra sides!) so they might do the same for the nephews.

Even if they have Arfid, they can’t demand the family eat at the same three restaurants every time.

People are absolute morons. Implying your daughter is selfish and spoilt and prioritising the restaurant over her cousins comfort, because she won't go to a restaurant she doesnt want to go to, on HER birthday, but the cousins can't suck it up when it's not their birthday. And not once has op mentioned her daughter knowing how expensive it is or the cousins not wanting anything on the menu.

Unless they've got arfid. Then no, they can have chips and a pudding.

*want to eat

They don't need to be diagnosed to be nd.

I was going to add it is extremely unlikely that all 3 cousins have the same food preferences. Perhaps 2 of them have just fallen into line! One of my dgc is extremely fussy but dd2 just ignores it and if he eats a proper meal - or just chips /bread it's fine. His sibling will eat anything.

Adults can make their own decisions about whether they want to attend a meal or stay home or eat earlier or request something off-menu.

6yos aren't in the same position to do this. Sorry, I hadn't realised this needed pointing out.

I actually think that in a large extended family where there is probably a birthday celebration every month or more, going to the Beefeater (or wherever) every single time would start to cause a bit of resentment and make the whole thing a bit repetitive. You have to do the same thing for your birthday that your cousins did, every year, if you want to eat out for your birthday.

Why don't you suggest that the cousins have a pizza takeout or something at your house or mcdonalds and take dd to her fish restuarant just the immediate family another night?

Because other members of the extended family do want to go! Should they be uninvited for the sake of the fussy ones?

Could you contact the restaurant and explain and then ask them to have something the cousins will eat?

They won't eat nuggets if it's the wrong type of nugget.

And as the cousins get older they will also need to learn that being so restrictive might limit their social interactions. If it was my kids and this was somebody who's important to me I'd be telling them to suck it up and either eat or go hungry but OP's daughter also needs to understand that she isn't entitled to this. She is also the oldest of her cousins. I'd be expecting more understanding and coping with the social nuances from a 12YO than I did from a 6YO

OP as a compromise, could you offer to pay for all the kids meals?

it takes the sting out of the cost of your brother is being awkward - you are the host it’s a birthday party and the kids meals should be too expensive.

it allows you daughter to have her cousins there but also acknowledges that this is a more expensive option that you would normally all do.

And get some different restaurants I’m to the rotation! Lower cost that this but it’s not fair that everyone is retracted when it’s not an allergy.

I totally get this! When I was a teenager we always went on holiday with one of my uncles and his family. We’d go lovely places that were known for delicious foods (think Spain, Greece, France, Portugal), but my cousin and my sister would only eat margarita pizza, a burger or spaghetti bolognaise. I was desperate to go to some of the lovely little local seafood places for prawns and paella, but none of them served pizza or spaghetti, so we didn’t get to go. We always ended up at the generic British food places or the Irish bars cause my cousin and my sister could get one of their 3 choices.

I was really frustrated because I didn’t think it was fair that my food choices were always limited and I didn’t ever get to have what I wanted just because I wasn’t a picky eater. Especially for a two week holiday. One time, when we were all a bit older, I basically insisted we went to this little local restaurant basically right on the beach where they caught and served their own shellfish. My uncle had to shell out for my cousin to have a steak off the adult menu cause that’s all she’d eat, but I got my taste of the local cuisine and it was marvellous. I still remember it as one of the best meals I ever had on holiday!

If you eat together regularly as a family and you literally always go to the same three dull generic places every time so your daughter’s choices are regularly limited when you eat out, I totally get why she wants to choose somewhere different. Your experiences being limited by fussy people is extremely frustrating and unfair.

The long and the short of it brother has a choice. OP should stick to her subs and go the her daughters restaurant of choice. Brother doesn’t have to go. Taking three children to an expensive restaurant where they won’t eat anything sounds expensive and tense. He can decide if the company and occasion is worth the cost and the complain g.

I would suggest the whole family should stop limiting restaurant choices for family outings - brother doesn’t have to attend every outing