AIBU to expect support from my MIL after criticising DH?

I could not agree more

It sounds like you are at the end of your tether and he may be struggling too. You need a serious talk about this. Kids in bed, MIL at her house. Sit and chat calmly. Make him listen.

Your MIL needs to move out. Now. Immediately.

Your MIL needs to not to come on holiday with you.

You and DH need to work on your relationship and decide if you want to be together or not. Then work out how he can step up as a parent

This needs to happen before you take legal responsibility for his DD. You cannot disrupt that child's life if you go on to split 6 months after getting responsibility.

You need to step back from his family admin. It's kind you have helped so far but your bucket is overflowing just now so someone else needs to take responsibility.

It's been tough. See if you can get through it together before you make rash decisions.

I think @Katey83 has got the message that most don't approve of her shouting at her husband. However it sounds as if all the responsibilities for the family have landed her shoulders.

MIL has practically moved into her home, despite having 2 of her own.

MIL is wedged into a small 2 bedroomed home which is open plan downstairs.

MIL is sleeping on a sofa in the open plan area of their home.

MIL depends on OP to do all the paperwork in relation to her FILs death.

MIL and her son relies on OP for support in dealing with other siblings MH.

OP is dealing with the mental and emotional load in relation to her stepdaughter with little support.

MIL acts like a child when OP loses it with her husband who 'bathes' their child but leaves them obviously dirty!

MIL stormed out, sulks, refuses to talk to OP
and is now refusing to go on holiday with them. This would be a win for me.

@Katey83 1st thing you need to do is get your MIL out of YOUR house and off your sofa. How are you supposed to have any kind of normal family life with MIL there all the time in your family space. She has no right to behave as she has done especially as she never bothered with your family before her husband died.

Your husband needs to step up. What was your relationship like before MIL got involved? You need to reclaim your home and start implementing changes and installing boundaries. Good luck.

However much I might love and appreciate my future children in-law I would never in a million years take sides with them against my own children

I think it would be helpful if you shared what else he doesn't do properly. On one example it's hard to see if you were over reacting or if it was the straw that broke the camels back

You are not a terrible wife. Everybody has their breaking point/last straw. But MIL living there permanently in a small open plan house is not sustainable. You simply can't have any sort of disagreement with your husband - which most couples do - without his mother being aware. And maybe that's why you've bottled things up until it all came out this way.

Harsh as it sounds I'd suggest that he moves with his mum into one of her houses. She will not be lonely and you're doing everything for your child anyway. If he moves out he can take the burden of paperwork and legal, making appointments and trying to deal with his daughter etc which will make your life considerably easier.

I accept that this may mean the end of the marriage. But something has to change and he is not willing to be the driver of that change so you must.

It’s your house and your MIL needs to butt out. It sounds like there is a lot going on and her being in your over crowded house won’t be helping. Your husband sounded like he needs to up his game, in your shoes then l probably would have lost my temper

100% this. I think the bigger picture is, you're at breaking point and you snapped. It's not about the dirt as a stand alone event, it's the having to continue to carry the mental load for everything whether it's a task he's completing or not.

His mum moving in, whilst I can imagine she is sad, this is a nightmare situation. It's just another stress to carry around. I would be suggesting she moves out back to one of her own houses to see if your marriage has a chance to get past this.

I really don’t think you are going to get good advice on this thread. It is obvious there is a lot of back story and this situation is only a small aspect of the problem. I agree with people that shouting at your partner is bad for children to witness. I agree that it is inappropriate to do in front of your MIL but his family’s complete inability to take responsibility is a red flag, his mother moving in is a red flag, his weaponised incompetence is a red flag.

My husband lost a parent too this last year. That is really hard but the rest of the stuff you are dealing with is just a group of dysfunctional people.

Unless you want to live like this until she dies, it's time for MIL to go home and stay there.

Yes, if my DS was a parent and couldn’t bath his child properly or brush her teeth I’d hit the roof with him.

Get a divorce. Life could be so much happier, easier and more peaceful. Have the holiday without her, stop legal proceedings with SD, sell the house, have a lovely life.

Gosh OP you've certainly attracted the perfect parent nobheads.

In the real world we've all had disagreements with our spouses in front of the kids. Imaging bottling that stuff up all day to release at bed time, my H would be like "why didn't you say something?".

Your H sounds irritating and immature. His mother is a burden and needs to realise how much of her son (and her) living situation is bankrolled by you. Next row, drop that in.

He sounds useless. Of course it's just a snapshot but you guys have got precisely zero chance if you continue to live cooped up like this. Six people in a two bed house does not work.

If you genuinely want to try and fix things then MIL has to go. She can't be allowed to interfere in your marriage and disrespect you in your own home.

As for Mr Disney Dad, if he's a low earner who can't parent or do chores, what exactly is the point of him?

I think your living situation sounds untenable and you should probably separate. 💐

But have they heard shouting before which is completely different to raised voices?

What is wrong with a bit of dirt. Its not worth divorcing over

I think she’s out of order criticising you instead of helping to solve the problem.

My DS is a very hands on dad with his two little ones (much better than his own dad was when he was little) but if he wasn’t, I’d be reading him the riot act.

You do sound extremely uptight. Why not just ask him to give her face a once over with a flannel, she doesn't need a whole new bath.

Honestly his dad died, his siblings are struggling with MH issues, his DD is struggling and you lose it over a bit of dirt? No one died from a bit of dirt, kids that grow up on farms often have better immune systems. Have you not learnt from all you (well he really) has been through that this really isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things?

What on earth?! She won’t have her son live with her, and yet is mad at you for not looking after her son in your own home that she has settled herself into, as well as she’d like?! Who the hell does she think she is!

Seriously, OP, your DH and his family are taking you for a fool. Smh. This is so messed up.

And they weren’t scared by the shouting?

Are they used to hearing it?