AIBU to feel annoyed when my mother hijacks family meal plans?

As for people bringing stuff that needs oven space to be cooked… it’s never happened to me, but I’d just do everything I’d planned to anyway, then bosh theirs in the oven at the very end! Maybe it’s just my friend group… but we actually discuss what each person will bring in advance (usually they bring drinks or a dessert - not main courses).

Maybe she’s finding it hard to let go of her previous role as host and ‘matriarch’ so is trying to hang on to a bit of control
or being needed?
could you ask her to help you out by doing a specific dish - say a good potato salad or how made coleslaw if you’re bbq ing or maybe a specific desert?
otherwise just pop it in the fridge for later / tomorrow and go with the flow of how you have plenty but good to know there’s back up. Don’t feed the drama and maybe let it become a family joke that there’s always plan B thanks to her …

Can you steer her a bit? Is she actually a good cook?

Would it work to say ‘mum, any chance you can bring those amazing kofte you do?’ (Or anything that vaguely complements what you’re serving already).

I have one friend who is an appalling faffer abouter in other people’s kitchens. I’ve given her to understand that her potato bhajis & dips are life changingly wonderful, so now they are her signature thing - & it’s manageable because the bhajis just get shoved into the oven to take the chill off, & the dips plonked on the table…

Why don't you let your mum sort out her own dish. Just keep busy with you Barbie and tell her to sort it out herself

Yeah we had this with mil.

try picnic in a park or national trust place where everyone brings a contribution.

mil was never happy in restaurants so that was a bit of a non starter.

I’d call her the day before ‘just to check you’re not bringing anything tomorrow, as I’ve asked you not to. Do you understand ? Can you confirm you’re not going to bring anything?’ Literally talk to her like it’s her first day on earth given that previous communications aren’t working.
If she turns up with something :
‘do you remember our call yesterday when we said you weren’t bringing anything ? Why have you done this ? Do you think you need to see a doctor re your memory’? Pop it in the fridge for her to take home, absolutely do not serve it.

I’ve a friend who does this, will bring an elaborate pudding that needs the oven or takes over the entire fridge. Or will bring a couple of side dishes ‘that just need finishing’. She stopped after one Christmas when she’d bought stuffing that needed making on the stove, which was full, there was already stuffing- and another side dish that needed the oven….which was full. She ended up eating 20 minutes after us as she finished off the dishes…

MIL used to do this and then go on and on and on about what she had brought and stand over people guilting them into eating some even though they’d politely declined. The worst was when my dad had lost a significant amount of weight through very careful calorie counting, but he’s a binger by nature, I had warned her in advance not to force him to eat her dessert because he’s got a sweet tooth, and I didn’t want him to be knocked off his diet, well guess what she did. We stopped inviting her. Harsh but problem solved.

Yes I know, then she said meatballs.

I suppose meatballs would be outing to changed it to curry?

Bizarre.

She said curry first which I assume is why people asked if the mum is Asian

Double post

No, you mentioned meatballs before being asked if she was Asian...

Thanks for all the suggestions, I will stick to my menu and the meatballs can be just there and if anyone wants them they can have them

It is meatballs though - or do you mean curried meatballs?

Its tricky, I have a guest like this. I dont mind people bringing stuff but she brings stuff that needs cooking/heating/assembling and says 'oh just pop this in the oven 20 mins before we eat' when a) ive planned out the oven space and b) ive got enough to do as it is! Now I am clear that if people must bring something, it has to be ready to serve with no prep/heating/cooking or it'll just be sent home with them.

I feel.your pain. Its the way they act like they've done you a favour as well by 'helping' and expect everyone else to be like 'oh aren't you clever, your dish is fab...' 🙄

People can only create fuss and theatrics if there's an audience, so don't provide her with one. 'oh well.'/'heat it up if you want, I've already sorted everything I wanted done' and walk away.

Say thanks, put on counter and ignore it

Don't help assemble or reheat or anything - agree its annoying.

My mum does this then looks completely surprised when no one eats the stew she brought to the BBQ, pasta to go with the curry/ stir fry to complement the roast dinner etc. It used to annoy me but now I just let her get on with it and laugh about the most incongruous mismatches with DH.

That is annoying. I hosted a tapas night with friends as a planning meeting before our girl trip to Barcelona. Said to people I'll do tapas and have wine and sangria in, if you want anything different - please bring it.

Now, I meant I'll have the tapas ready, but "bring a bottle" if you don't want wine or sangria, but I should've been more specific. Everyone brought a bottle or some after-dinner chocolates etc, apart from one friend who turned up with a shopping bag containing one of those 3 part stirfry kits from M&S for herself and promptly asked me for a wok and some oil, preferably sesame, so she could cook her own dinner in my kitchen...

Is she from an Asian or Black heritage? If so, no meal is complete unless there is curry!

Irritating but well meant.

Do you have any teenagers, particularly boys attending. In my experience they can happily have a second meal within a couple of hours so I'd simply say, that will be lovely for later when it cools down a bit. We can cook some rice or use leftover salad with it.
Or just buy some naan breads and people can have curry and bread so you are not trying to cook hot rice/reheat it safely at the same time as bbqing.

This reminds me of a video on a podcast I saw recently... who was that.... it's on Dish with Nick Grimshaw and Angela Hartnett...argh. so annoying. Anyway - it was something about it being annoying to host a big thing, invite people over and for someone to bring a dish that absolutely doesn't go and you're like "here's all the food I created for this evening and there's her salad over there, she made it".

Let her bring it. Everyone will see how completely incongruous it is to the meal, the type of plates/bowls/cutlery you have out etc.

Yes just serve them .put on the island and if anyone wants them they can have them !