AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

But would she be able to cover half of the costs if he had less outgoings to cover the other half?

For example

OP: Shall we go to the seaside for the weekend I have the £40 to cover half of the costs, do you have £40 for the other half
Partner: No, ex asked for £80 yesterday for new school coats.

If he had split the costs of the coats 50:50 with the ex he would have had £40 of that £80 to put towards a weekend out with her that neither of them could afford on their own.

My mum was on the breadline when she met my dad. He was a low earner but had enough to get by. Together whilst still on a low income they were able to pool funds to allow the odd day out/holiday (weekend in a caravan for example) that neither would have been able to afford individually. My mum was a single parent with zero involvement from the biological father - financial or otherwise. My dad took on my sister as his own and filled in the gap that her biological father left in every way and together they were able to do more for her. Over time they were able to improve their financial position and money was less of a worry but my mum especially is still haunted by those days of being so poor.

We all hope that a relationship will bring us more in life that we manage alone. As it currently stands it isn't for her, I'd give him a chance to review his decisions in light of what he had found out and whether he could shift the dial so they as a couple are not overly disadvantaged in preference of funding the ex wife's lifestyle. He should still absolutely be supporting his children but it's not unreasonable to ask him to reflect whether the support he has been given is still what needs to be given.

Surely it's worth putting this too him before writing off the relationship and returning to a situation where she definitely can not afford her situation, especially as the living costs over the last 5 years have increased disproportionately so what could be afforded on one wage in 2020-2021 is now not feasible

Don’t be silly - she’s allowed up to £15,999

OP doesn’t want him to.

Sounds like you’ve made a rod for your own back choosing a life with someone who is divorced and skint. Don’t understand what his ex has to do with it.

You are coming across too invested in the financial situation with his ex and quite bitter.

Helpful to detach, even if you are not detaching from the relationship, it’s up to him how he manages things with his ex and DC.

You are self sufficient with your own place.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable that she assumed living together would mean having more spare cash than living separately.

OP needs to:

1. get him to pay rent as a lodger (which is originally offered, so shouldn’t be a problem)
2. tell him to stop spending all of his spare cash on extras for his kids (sounds like he’s already onboard)
3. make a long term plan for when his house is sold
4. stop engaging with the ex when she’s making smug comments

This.

I’m going to go against the general grain here and say this would massively annoy me. Of course the kids need to be properly looked after and should not be left without, but that isn’t what this is. She is still their parent and should hold responsibility for them and funding their life. The fact he wouldn’t be able to afford somewhere to live without being with you is utterly insane. He should only be giving her what he can afford to, AFTER paying his own expenses. I would tell him to go back to court and adjust things. The cost of living has changed.

But she never had days out/holidays before being with him. She was struggling before him, she’s struggling now , just slightly less by the sounds of things.

Agreed. It doesn’t make sense! If his finances affect you then you should ask him to leave. It’s important he sorted out his first family before making a second. In 4 years those payments will end and he will have more money.

She sounds horrible for rubbing your nose in it. It’s not reasonable for him to want money back he already agreed to but he needs to say no in future. As for her privacy- I would have been tempted to photograph her statement. But even without that, he needs to say no, deal with the conflict, offer to have DS if she kicks off, and suggest mediation with full financial disclosure if she makes trouble. I can’t stand women who use their kids to hide behind like this.

The daughter will be adult soon enough. I'd leave it. He soon wont have any financial obligations to the ex. End of. A handful of years really isnt that long. Thw problem will be over before you know it.

By "you" meant her partner/her. Even without fully shared finances if she is having to pay out more for their lifestyle - days out or holidays because he is paying 100% of the extra for his children it impacts her.

He is a parent and he should pay his way, but his children have a mother too so if affordable for both parties the costs of life should have a contribution from both parents. What the respect divide of that cost will be specific to the couple.

A judge can't sign a financial order unless it meets the legal definition of fair and reasonable.

OP is clearly bitter because she thinks the ex has it good when she's struggling. Totally fair enough but she's not looking at the longer picture.

You seem to spend a lot of time talking to her - and this is what's winding you up. Why engage with her so much? Keep it strictly about the DC and don't give her the opportunity to talk about her money. I'd be given her a 'Hi' and 'Bye'.

Your DC should 100% be paying what the court order instructs him to and no more. He can give his DC money for uni directly to them - or pay their rent direct - when the time comes. She does seem to be taking the piss but there is stuff you can do to protect yourself from feeling even more stressed by her behaviour. I'd be taking a massive step back and let DH deal with her.

He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it

She's despicable. Typical Mumsnet though OP, it's all your fault and the Dad who's being fleeced.

Yeah I can’t see how the DP has been “duped” here.

He knows broadly what his exes income and fixed expenses are. He chose to enable his child and their mother to live well, rather than spending that money on OP. I think that is what smarts, and I don’t blame OP for feeling that way.

However, she is wrong to blame the ex rather than DP.

Yes I’ve heard this. Someone agreed to not go after the others pension and the judge wouldn’t sign off on it until he was sure they were actually happy with that as they were disproportionately worse off

Im not sure where you're getting your information from re: 'The court will only disagree and look into it if you cant agree and have a hearing.'
Its the complete opposite - Judges can and do still turn something down if its seen as dramatically unfair to one party even if both have signed off on it.
I know three people who've been divorced who were all warned the same during their settlement negotiations, one of whom had theirs turned down and had to go through another step to confirm they were both happy with it, and if you google it you will find plenty of information on how and why it can be turned down.
Is that what your partner told you?

yeah I don’t get what the problem is. She’s got savings. Her income hasn’t changed, she’s not hiding a three figure salary. He knows how much he’s giving her and that she’s still entitled to benefits. She’s got a nest egg which is sensible.

If he’s paying £££ more than he can afford then he needs to stop paying the extras. I seriously doubt he’s giving that much or his salary that he can’t afford to live. I think OPs just jealous, which is fine. But that doesn’t mean the ex is the villain

So the answer is yes. He was still married.

I sense there's more going on here re the financial side of it, to agree to a Mesher order, plus spousal maintenance there must have been a fair amount of surplus income for your DP over and above what was necessary to meet his own housing needs.

Where's that money gone?

It shouldn’t matter how she is doing. He made those agreements with her and they should remain that way. Your finances are your own and that’s where you need to concentrate your efforts. The benefits system isn’t always fair, I was much better off financially as a single parent working part time and claims tax credits than I was in a partnership both working full time. That’s not her fault and she’s not doing anything wrong. Also, every weekend is still not a lot. Your partner should talk to her if he thinks he can’t afford everything but you still have two homes between you so you aren’t doing as bad as you’re making it sound. Perhaps you need to ask him to move out, if you are financially impacted by his decisions. She might be very frugal with food and electricity etc which is obviously her choice and you wouldn’t necessarily know.

Please read the OPs posts. She has explained they were together a year after they split as he was going through the divorce.

Doesn't matter if they were formally separated.