AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

Not very nice of her to say you wasted your life though

I've been in your position.

When we said we enjoyed our life as it was, and didn't intend to have children my Mum was very upset.

I found it really difficult to accept that it had anything to do with her. I think she envisioned being a doting Grandma, and couldn't understand that it just wasn't something we wanted.

It's not something I regret. It was the right decision for us.

Eventually, Mum got sick of mentioning it, or maybe just realised that it wasn't happening.

You’re right OP, your Mum should not pester you to have children, or enquire about your sex life - your life is your own.

You’ve said at some points you can’t afford children - you and your DH are doctors presumably earning a high salary. Many people not on your career level seem to afford them somehow, so I’m not sure that’s a valid reason (not that you need one). Sometimes children just come along unplanned so it’s not always possible to budget…not ideal but as you’re a paediatrician you must see families where this is the case….maybe that has helped to deter you?

As the mother of adult children who don’t have children (…and may never have), I can empathise with your Mum, so please cut her some slack. Her life dreams haven’t been realised. I’m not defending her behaviour though, and I have never said or implied to my kids that they should want to have a family. We’re all different. Enjoy your amazing child-free life.

Are you sure you don’t want a child OP ? there are so many posts on here explaining why you don’t it’s a bit like she doth protest too much ;) just kidding but still it’s like you are rolling out the arguments over and over again to convince yourself. Even money is an issue which is hard to believe for two doctors Your mum will lay off soon , you’ll be past 40 . Be patient and give her some grace.

Dd1 is 35 this year and she went to an all girls school. She is the only one out of her group of friends who has dc. She is a gynaecologist and 35 is not really seen as being an older mother any more. I went to university and dm constantly tells me how I wasted my life and my education having 4dc. A lot of women are making the same choice as the OP nowadays and it is good they are able to choose.

I’d have a proper discussion and explain that you’re sorry she’s disappointed but it’s your life not hers and you are both happy without children. If she can’t respect that then she needs to get a grip and accept she won’t see you!

No, she is not hurting anyone. Thats like saying I am hurting my mum by being overweight because she would prefer a thin daughter (true story). Her feeling hurt doesn’t mean the OP is hurting her.

If you’re about to turn 40 your mum is probably at an age where most if not all of her friends have grandchildren and talk about them a lot. It’s not the same as wanting your own children but not being able to as you’ve got no choice or control or rights at all in the matter as a wannabe grandparent, but there are parallels and it must be difficult. You say you are “confused” as to how she could have possibly thought she would have grandchildren but for most people with 4 kids, you’d expect they would end up with at least a couple.
For all her faults, my mum never pressured or even asked any of us about grandchildren and never made it about her. But she told me once that from the moment her first grandchild was born, time stood still for her and she was happy in a way she hadn’t experienced before. I think she found having her own children stressful (she also had 4). I have a daughter now and I love the bond she has with her grandma.
i won’t ever expect or pressure my daughter into having her own children but i hope i get the opportunity to be a grandma one day. I would be really sad if it never happened. Of course that’s not my daughter’s problem but it doesn’t change how I’d feel.

So, reading between the lines here, despite their hostility to her questioning them on the subject she still does it? There may not be anything effective you can do short of going NC, in that case.

Great question for mumsnet 😁. Please ask on Reddit too OP @TwinklySeal I’d bet you’d get some different responses.

Well, selfish gene aside, we as humans have developed intellect and imagination and abstract thought so can rise above the thoughtless biology of animals which have a lesser evolved brain and consciousness. And aren’t we all luckier for that?

I would say in response to a ‘what is the point of life’, then what is the point of having a child ? so they grow up safely, are educated, get a job, meet someone, buy a house and then….. have a child so they grow up safely, are educated, get a job, meet someone, buy a house and then…..have a child so they grow up safely, are educated, get a job, meet someone, buy a house and then….. have a child so they grow up safely, are educated, get a job, meet someone, buy a house and then….. Am I the only one who gets skeeved out by that idea?

Somewhere in there, in that relentless propagation, does live the question what is it all for, but I’m not sure mindless producing kids is it. That’s our selfish genes talking and driving biology. We - thankfully- can rise above that.

You and your DP are doing something amazing with your lives, it’s very very small minded of your mum not to recognise that, but I do. And I bet you touch the lives of so many people because of how you’ve decided to live your lives. I for one say thank you both for that.

But you are hurting someone, your mum is hurt she will never be a grandma. I don’t think that means you owe her grand children, and I acknowledge that you aren’t not having children AT her but she is hurt none the less.

i actually completely agree with you; people shouldn’t have children that they can’t care for, it’s a very big commitment! I also agree that you don’t owe anyone any children/grandchildren, but equally I can understand that your mum is sad. I think I can understand that she might wonder if her grandchildren look like her/her husband, will they have any family traits ect. Grand-parenting is a lot of the best bits of parenting and hardly any of the hard work/ hard bits of parenting so i can see why she would want that. I don’t think anything anyone says here will change your mind so I will leave you with some ways to deal with your mum.

if you are on the phone and she goes on about it you can say something like “we’ve talked about this mum it’s not for husband and I. I’m going to end the conversation now, and in the future since I’ve made our stance clear I’m going to hang up or leave everytime you bring it up. Love you bye” then you hang up, or you grab your coat and go home. Good luck!

spelling edit

OP you do not have to explain or justify your decisions to MN or anywhere else.

"Ultimately,I just think I get to make the choice about what I do with my life and my body, not anyone else. My mum was free to decide to have four children because that's the life she wanted. I'm equally free to decide not to have any because that's the life I want."

this is the whole beginning and end of your choice and that is really really fine.

Made me laugh actually, ‘love’!

You could always try a blunt answer of…”how many other people do you ask whether they’ve having unprotected sex or not?”

That’s essentially what people are asking when they ask you about having children.

Ask if it’s ever occurred to her that you can’t have any and how spiteful she would be to keep mentioning. I’m not saying you should lie to her just sow a seed. You shouldn’t have to but it might shut her up.

What is she like with your siblings.

If the OP does wake up one day and realise she does want a child (which sounds unlikely to me) that’s not her mother’s problem. She needs to accept her daughter’s decision and respect it.

And re this

When a couple say they dont want children, it’s often the case that it’s the choice of one, and other goes along with it consciously or otherwise. Very often, the second person regrets it. If it’s a man, they leave.

It’s often equally the case that the woman wants children and the man goes along with it.

By not having children you are indirectly criticizing her choice to have them. There is nothing confusing about why she is so upset over it - it makes her feel bad. Like if you had a vegan friend watching you eat a nice juicy burger. She probably lacks the self awareness to deal with her emotions so acts them out.

There seems to be a lot of repressed rage underlying the conversations between you two, also it is not appropriate for her to ask about your sex life. Search for daughters of narcissistic mothers.

I never understand it when people say that not having children is individualistic and selfish though.
Having children, by nature of the time and resources it takes up, means that parents become selfish. They have to, to survive. If you need a favour, need care, need to borrow money, need someone to spend time with you, are you going to expect it from someone with children? Especially with young children. How likely do you think it would be that the OP could continue in a full time paediatrician role, serving the community, if she has children? How much do you think she'd continue helping the nieces and nephews and their parents?
I totally understand why people prioritise their own families, but for many it does mean withdrawing a little, and focusing just on their immediate family, being less available to friends or the community or the workforce because of that.

feelings are feelings and always valid BUT you don't have to act on them or bang on about them

I disagree. My experience of my parents and of the parents who I know is that their hopes and dreams are centred around their children being happy and successful in their chosen life. The ones I know don't define what that happiness and success will consist of. I wouldn't think a good parent would be defining "healthy societal norms" and expecting their children to conform to them. That way lies societal stagnation.

I am also CF and completely agree with your reasoning about why you don't want kids (not that you need to justify yourself) but you are coming across as very cold and black/white thinking in being apparently completely unable to understand your mum's pov or sympathise with why she is upset.

You are annoyed at her for not understanding that people are different and see value in/gain happiness from different things but ironically you are doing exactly the same thing. I don't understand how you can't 'see' that just because you don't want kids and don't think they would add meaning or joy or whatever to your life, others don't feel the same. Of course you aren't fussed about not having grandchildren if you don't want kids! The difference is that that is a choice YOU have made, whereas the chance to not have grandchildren isn't one she has made - if anything by having 4 kids herself she tried her best to make sure she would have them, so it's understandable she would feel upset at the future she has envisioned not coming to pass, not to mention other complicated feelings - concern there won't be younger people to help her when she's older, that she'll be lonely, that her genes won't carry on, that in 1 generation she might not be remembered by anyone, etc. Lots of people share those views, just because you don't doesn't mean she is irrational.

As I said, I am CF but I'm able to understand that for some, even many/most people, their kids are THE most important thing and best achievement, in their entire lives, and far more interesting to them and bring them more satisfaction and happiness than a job or friends or hobbies or whatever - their kids are grandkids are a huge, even the most important part of them 'living their lives.'

Intellectually, morally, etc. of course you are 'right' and you don't owe her grandchildren. But this is your mum, if you can't put aside logic and reason to understand emotion you come across as very heartless.

Of course that doesn't mean any of you owe her them or that she is in the right for nagging/guilt tripping etc. - I definitely don't agree with her actions, but just because you don't share them doesn't mean her feelings aren't valid.