AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

It is not selfish to not want to have kids! It's selfish to have kids with the expectation that they will live their lives the way you want them to, and to have someone to look after you when you're old.
Maybe tell your mother that you're sad for her that she has nothing else in her life.

Please don’t get to angry with her. She’s probably mourning a life she expected to have. It’s frustrating she goes on about it but I suspect in the next year or 2 she’ll stop because the boat my likely to have sailed by then.

From the op
I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed
@TwinklySeal

Op your DM is rude to keep asking especially as you've told her the subject is closed.
I'd tell her the next time she mentions it you're walking out, and do it.
Yanbu

I had that from my auntie. I'd been single for about 7 years, lots of shit boyfriends and was just 'done' with it all for a while and just concentrated on my career.
She patted me on my knee, made her voice go all soft and sympathetic while she asked. My brothers thought it was hillarious!

OP, you are very very reasonable! You know if you want a child and I very much concur with not having one if you don't for all the reasons you outline. It isn't selfish in any form. Your mum wants grandchildren and she isn't getting these from you. You shouldn't feel guilty about this. Does she have any grandchildren already? I do understand that it must be a similar feeling to wanting children and not having one with wanting a grandchild but it isn't in your gift to fix that. It doesn't sound like your life is lacking in meaning, but perhaps hers is? I think you need to be really clear that you will never provide a grandchild. She hasn't got the point. Is she like this generally?

Good for you being selfish, that's no bad thing. I sometimes think having children with the current state of the world is selfish.
I would tell her she's offending you with her attitude. Good for you building a lovely life with your partner. I have children who I love deeply but can fully understand people choosing not to have children.
Your wedding sounds perfect.

YANBU. You and your partner sound a bit like me and my DP in outlook. We're very happy without children.
His mother (deceased now) used to desperately want us to get married and to have children. Cried when we told her we were moving away (we lived about an hour and a half from her and DP's dad and moved to more like 8 hours away).
The weirdest thing about it all being that she showed little interest in speaking to or interacting with the grandchildren she did have. Would ignore them at family gatherings, and exchange exasperated glances with DP's dad if any of them were loud or crying etc.
You can't run around trying to please other people. THAT is a waste of life!

Your mum is trying to guilt you into something you don't want! If she won't listen to the fact you have told her outright that you don't want them then she will just have to sulk. You can't control other people's actions, so don't try.

And for the record, life is for living, that's the whole point. Both of you working in medicine is actually far greater a contribution to society than having a kid too!

Enjoy your life. Stop letting her get to you.

To my Mum, my only reason for existing was to provide her with GC.

It is one of many reasons we no longer speak.

YANBU at all. I’d probably say you’ve not been harsh enough.

Weird. My sister did medicine and felt incredibly alone because none of the medical students were very nice to her and they mocked her accent. She didn’t make a single friend in medicine.

Not the point but I just found it an interesting juxtaposition.

Anyway I’d have told your mum you’re infertile. That would shut her up. You shouldn’t have to but it’s the way for an easy life imo.

"Mum, this is making me dread seeing you. If it carries on, I might have to just start seeing you a lot less. Do you want to damage your relationship with your actual child over hypothetical grandchildren, who will never exist? Make your mind up".

Tell her you’ve had a hysterectomy

She's dreadful, OP. You weren't harsh enough. She doesn't recognise any boundaries at all, clearly.

I'm in my 60s with no GC (yet). My own DC are well established in both careers and relationships and in their 30s. I have never asked any of them if they are intending to have children - I don't consider it my business. Presumably they will if they want to. Or they will confide in me that they are struggling to conceive if they want to. Or not.

She is hugely out of order. I don't expect my DC to run their lives to suit me.

My sister had her DC in her 40s and at one point (in her mid-30s) our mum asked her if she was a lesbian 🙄

My DD and her DH are adamant that they will not have children (DD has been of that opinion since she was 13 and she's mid 30's now so, no, she won't be changing her mind). His mum was the same as yours OP, where every conversation turned back to "oh you'd make great parents, I'd love grandchildren" etc. It stopped when her son told her he'd had the snip (no idea if he has or not, none of my business). Maybe if all else fails tell her that your DP/H is booked in for one, she might get the message then.

Tell her that if she wants a relationship with you she needs to shut her trap about this. Two can play at the emotional blackmail game. Also your life has an immense amount of meaning and as a doctor you will be contributing far more to society than the average person. Guessing maybe your mum didn’t have a career and can’t see any meaning beyond getting married and reproducing.

“Children deserve parents who want them desperately

You are right OP and if you and your DP don’t want children you are absolutely right not to have them

Regarding your Mum’s “what is the point of life” comment. Perhaps reframe this as a compliment and a sign of what a critical part of her life you and your siblings have been. She loves you so much she can’t imagine any other kind of life.

Having children has been a source of joy in my life and having had them it’s hard to imagine a happy life without them. But that’s my life.

My lovely friend doesn't want children, has a wonderful full life and can’t imagine a version of her life that would have a place for them and still be wonderful. Horses for courses.

You don’t say if your Mum is already a grandmother, I’d take a different approach depending on the answer.

If she already has grandchildren then her feelings are really about you validating what she thinks are the “correct” way to live your life. I’d shut that down very firmly.

If she doesn’t have grandchildren I’d be gentler.

She still doesn't get to criticise your choices but if she sees all her friends’ relationships with grandchildren and is sad she won’t get to experience that I’d have a bit more sympathy . It must be frustrating to want something you have no control over. In this situation the photo of you holding a baby was probably quite upsetting to her.

Either way, she doesn’t get to choose for you, either way she needs to be told to drop the subject.

Just make sure you are on the same page with your DH about it. Or better still, make sure YOU are sure about it. My friend and her DH were on the same page right until they were both in their mid 40s, and then he decided that after all, he would like to have a child, by which time she could not conceive and he went on to have children with a much younger woman. Nothing to do with your mother, everything to do with you.

It’s none of your mum’s business but why send her the photo? That was clumsy.

Tell her that her comments on your life choices make you want to see her less.
If she continues, then follow through.

Two senior medical careers in a house requires a lot of support with children.
Yanbu.

So many people in older generations didnt get a choice as to whether to have children, it was just expected and a lot that a then in Thursday would chose not to.

she is being very unreasonable and I would tell her that you’ve thought about cutting contact if she doesn’t stop.

From the OP:

"I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed."

I’m exactly like you op apart from myself and my sibling, whilst in long term solid relationships are both also unlikely to have any kind of wedding ceremony.
I do feel sad for my mum that she would have loved being a grandmother and a mother if the bride/ groom but I’m very lucky that she’s gracious enough to never put this disappointment onto us.
I’d be having very harsh words with dm if I was you - how dare she ? What if your childlessness was due to infertility, would she bang on about it then ?

You are 100% right, OP. I had a mother a bit like yours, and I loathed her for it. I'm also married to a doctor and, although we married young, we pretty much always knew there wouldn't be any kids - certainly, back in those days (late 80s ), a career in medicine wasn't compatible with having kids, in my view, because of the hours, studying etc. Some of our friends managed it to be fair but, for others, there was also suicide, divorce, broken health or having to jack in medicine as a career.
Frankly, none of this is anybody's business except the couple concerned. You are doing the right thing to marry to protect yourselves - and because you want to, of course! You need to be frank with your mother and, if she continues to be offensive, then you can choose to see or speak to her far less. That's up to you too.
I'm so happy for you both - that you are happy with your life and your choices. I wish you the best of everything in the future.

Your mum is being completely unreasonable putting pressure on you in this way and I’m amazed you haven’t got angry with her before now. FWIW I had my children very late and not once - not once - did my mum or dad mention grandchildren or ask if I wanted children.

I think I would really put the cards on the table in a very quiet, calm, kind way.

“Mum, we have decided we are not having children. I have told you this repeatedly and I’m not sure what part of it you don’t understand. This topic is closed for discussion. It is starting to make me not want to see you because I know that you will always bring the conversation round to it and it makes me uncomfortable. Is that what you want?

Otherwise, we could just have a normal relationship where you accept our choices without constantly challenging them. I am a medical doctor and that is what I want to spend my life doing and being. This is not something that you can control and I would be grateful if you would accept that”

Do you have a dad, is he more reasonable, can you get him onside with this so he backs you up when ma inevitably goes home and complains.