AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

No you don’t owe her grandchildren. But can you not understand a person - man or woman - wanting to have the last third or quarter of their lives with children and grandchildren around them? Just like you and your father and happy to travel and pursue hobbies, she’d be happy to be with children and grandchildren. Neither is better or worse, superior or inferior to the other. They’re just different. You’re as bad as she is in denying her this preference (as she seems to be denying you yours). This isn’t a feminist statement of independence from societal normal that you’re making; it’s deliberate myopia about how different people are, well, different.

She also said they can't afford it

I fail to see what's difficult to come to terms about your adult DC living life how they want to and doing what makes them happy. As I said upthread my DD has chosen not to have DC and she's my only child so like OP's mum there will be no GC for me. I care not a jot about that though because my DD has a good and happy life and that's enough for me.

I think this post proves you’re right about not having children. Maybe just show her this & it’ll be more than apparent.

you don’t owe your mom gc, that’s completely right but has she never done anything to deserve your empathy? Of course she has visions on how her life would be, she’s done exactly what you do. You envision life in retirement of travel and hobbies (all being well that’ll happen) but life throws curve balls & I’m sure you’d be disappointed if that didn’t come to fruition. With 4 kids you’d think gc would be part of it. She’s been unlucky that it won’t be & for that I feel for her

plus you’ve come to a group that’s called mumsnet and asked predominantly mothers for an opinion. Whilst I get the right to reply to people I sense frustration that you don’t like it if people even show a tiny bit of support for your mom, (I’ve seen no one agree with her but people have expressed sympathy). Mothers tend to naturally sympathetic. It’s a switch that’s pushed the minute we have children.

We had to tell my wife's mother we couldn't have children to get her to shut up. It was true as it happens but we had not wanted to share that.
Worked a treat though as she didn't want to upset us by talking about kids after that.

Your mother should stop asking you intrusive questions; that's a deeply unhelpful way to carry on. On the other hand, I am quite surprised that you can't see why a woman who clearly loved being a mother (enough to have 4 children!) is finding it difficult to come to terms with the fact that not one of those 4 children wants to have children of their own. Of course you don't "owe" it to her. Equally, it's entirely understandable that she's sad about it. It's something she wanted to happen in her life and it isn't going to; what's more, she has no control over whether it happens or not.

If you want to sort it out, perhaps it's worth having a conversation where you explain how uncomfortable her questions make you feel, but also acknowledge the feeling of loss she has for a later life she (not unreasonably) anticipated, but which is not now going to be available to her.

Once she said for the first time to her mum that she doesn’t want kids, it is obvious and the mum pushing it is just rude and inconsiderate. Boo hoo, your children don’t want to have kids. There are worse problems in life.

However from what the OP said, the mum
doesn't have a life of her own and that explains a lot.

No I get that and it’s enough on its own but they also say they don’t have enough money which is a sad state of affairs for two working doctors including a specialist not to be able to afford s child ( if they did want one)🤔

Why on earth did you send her a photo of you holding a baby? You surely could have foreseen the response you would get!

Also if I’ve understood, you are child2 of 4, your older sibling can’t have children but the younger two don’t want to either? That’s actually less surprising as it does seem to be from my experience that those from a big family tend to view the Idea of having dcs needs to be like the family they had, which would be hard to juggle with a career and expensive and draining, rather than only having one or two dcs which seems easier to fit round still having a career and still having time for hobbies and fun things.

It’s odd that she’s still bringing it up when you have emphatically told her you don’t want to have children, it would also drive me potty so I would have to be really blunt and tell her again that you’re not having any, you don’t regret not having any and your life is just a meaningful as someone who has children and to really drop it.
She may well be grieving for the life she thought she’d have, bouncing grandkids on her knees but that doesn’t give her a right to keep nagging about it.
One of my DH siblings is child free by choice, their mum doesn’t nag them but then she’s not that involved with her grandchildren so perhaps that’s the difference.

If anything you need to be harsher.
"I'm not having this conversation again. I don't think you understand how much it upsets me that you keep asking, and yoyr comments suggesting a childfree life has no value are just hurtful. I know you would like grandchildren, I have fully got that message. You won't succeed in nagging me into providing them, only in upsetting me. Please stop."

My mum actually cried about my not wanting children. I can't express how upset, hurt and angry it made me feel. Really like I - her actual daughter - wasn't enough and also that I was failing her and being selfish by not providing grandchildren. How she wouldn't have grandchildren like her sibling did...

As it happens I did change my mind, had years of fertility difficulties and did not breathe a word of it to her because of how she makes everything about her and would have acted like my struggles and losses were her own. I only told her when I finally had a pregnancy that seemed to be working out and couldn't hide it because I was vommiting lots and was spending days with her at the time. We were lucky enough to have our child and bloody hell, didn't I get quickly relegated in her priorities for years.

It's not that - it's that they don't want to have a child.

Her mum doesn’t. All 4 of her children have opted to not have children which I’m sure is hard to come to terms with.

Because in every other family I know of 4 children at least 1 has had children of their own. Can you really not see it’s a bit unusual that all 4 of you have opted out? My sister and sisters in law opted to not have children but there’s still grandchildren on both sides. Your mum probably just always hoped she would get to be a grandparent and that isn’t unusual or odd of her. I think you’re being quite cold in refusing to have empathy or see her perspective but you want her to understand that all 4 of you are opting out. It probably also chafes that she knows you have nieces and nephews on the other side.
Every paediatrician I know has their own children so she may have mistakenly taken that career choice as making it more likely you’d have your own too. You want her to back off and see your perspective but I’d start with a chat about hers too.
Id be gutted to never be a grandparent and I like to hope I’d not pressure my children and keep it to myself but she’s likely grieving that she won’t get to be a grandparent.

Nobody owes their parents grandchildren and anyway yours already have some by the sounds of it.

Just tell your mum she already has grandchildren and she won't be getting any from you. And if she raises it again you change the subject and say what you do with your body isn't up for discussion.

And no, it's not an issue that well paid couples don't have children. There are too many people in the world already and the more people decide not to have any, or small families, the better.

OP you seem to think that your ambition and career should mean it’s obvious you wouldn’t have wanted to have dcs, but from your mums perspective, you are working with children and clearly interested in them, she’s the generation who fought for women to “have it all”. even if your mum didn’t herself get involved in the feminist politics, there’s no reason your mum would have presumed it would have been one or the other for you, she probably looked at maternity rights and right to go part time, with you with a dh in a similar role and assumed you’d be the sort of couple where you both go part time when kids are little or hire a nanny (and she may have continued her support for your career by offering some free childcare)

You seem to think it’s a no-brainer that by encouraging her children to be ambitious, that grandchildren were ruled out.

I think you've been remarkably restrained in not telling her where to go before now. If she loves children so much why doesn't she become a foster carer.

The fact that none of her children has chosen to have children may actually have something to do with her. My mother made it abundantly clear she expected grandchildren but she has none and we are all way too old now. At one point she tried to get my MIL on board with the grandchild demands and told MIL she would disinherit me if I did not produce the goods. MIL was appalled and told DH. My mother was very overbearing when we were young and also expected glowing academic and career achievements from us. She actually said more than once that having children is appalling drudgery, she hated it completely, and that her reward would be to have grandchildren!

So would I. Shes completely out of line.

But what the hell is medicines hockey? The mind boggles.

I am in my 60s with 2 daughters and had always imagined I'd be a granny and this was something I'd looked forward to. However it become clear with time that neirher of my DDs want children. I feel a degree of disappointment and grief over this, which has been intensified by my older sister being unexpectedly about to have her first grandchild.

However the difference between me and your DM is that I have literally never brought up the subject of having kids with my DDs. It was basically none of my business and any sadness and disappointment I feel is not theirs to bear and I will never bring that up either. I chose my own life and so should my DDs. You don't owe your DM grandchildren, whatever she might think. I think you have been very reserved with her so far. At this point I think I'd be threatening not to see her unless she changes the record. Her behaviour is selfish, thoughtless and basically disrespectful.