AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

I was lucky enough to be sympathetic before I had children. Perhaps my switch wasn't located in my uterus?

And I’m not a Mum and I have deep empathy for others. Utter bollocks. Well done @Slightyamusedandsilly here here.

It’s very hard for people of her generation (and many younger people too) to understand this point of view. But you don’t need to make her understand, just respect that you have a different perspective and won’t be convinced otherwise. Have a gentle chat, tell her you are never going to have children and she needs to make her peace, then ask her to stop bringing it up. Everytime she does, remind her that she can’t.
And give her a little time to grieve the life and future she imagined, but don’t let her make you feel guilty for that.

Someone who couldn’t have children here and wanted them - tell your Mum thanks for commenting that my life is pointless. Obviously I know it isn’t but that’s what she is saying. What if you couldn’t have children, would she make the same remarks? She has to respect your wishes - tell her to back the fuck off.

Mothers tend to naturally sympathetic. It’s a switch that’s pushed the minute we have children. I’m sorry but this is such nonsense.

Your question is essentially was I unreasonable to snap.

IMO, it's neither here nor there if you were being harsh or not- she was, at best, rude to keep asking and at worst, being a bad mother for being unsupportive of your response and decision.

Out of interest, do you think she is measurably a good and consistent mum? I only ask because my mum was baby-mad and once said to me something like "why would you have a baby and then put them in childcare!?" She then went on to say she would do my childcare, which was, in truth, more because she likes babies than parenting: in any measurable way, she was fab at the baby stage but not good with teens and adults (she essentially lost interest).

So i suppose my advice to you is to accept that she is flawed as a person and as a mother to an adult daughter but thst she is unlikely to recognise that she herself may not be the exceptional mother she thinks she is, just because she loves babies but isn't supporting her own adult daughter in her adult decisions because they don't suit her.

Just to say that you sound like a brilliant mum and she’s very lucky to have you.

same here. And talking about "my bloodline" just sounds silly

Mothers tend to naturally sympathetic. It’s a switch that’s pushed the minute we have children.

Bollocks is it. For some it is, for others it isn't. I'm a mother. I had no instant switch.

That's you. Other people are allowed to have different feelings from you without it being bilge. How obnoxious to call it that.

She shouldn't pressure you to have kids. But the photo was a bit cruel. She's got four children, no grandchildren and your photo was a bit "here's what you could have had".

It's difficult to explain how it feels to have kids if you don't have them. It doesn't mean that it's lesser or anything like that and I was perfectly happy before kids. But once you've had them it's a significant change in your life. Your mum has seen this and is just sad. But you can still tell her that her comments upset you.

You do go on an awful lot about being a doctor and I don't see how it's relevant? The first paragraph is just bizaare. I've got lots of friends that are doctors who seem to mix with the general population. Is it just a humble brag?

She clearly hasn't met my mother.

It's in the OP's first post.

I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed.

Say to her that not everybody wants children, that does not make their lives pointless. She wanted to be a parent, that was her choice, and great that she found it fulfilling. But your life is yours and your choices are not the same as hers. No doubt she would love a grandchild, but we can’t all have everything we want, especially if it depends on someone else’s choices.She has a healthy ,successful daughter, she has been very blessed, more than many. Tell her to be grateful.

Yes, I have seen some absolutely horrible comments on here from mothers to women struggling with infertility.

Yearning for grandchildren is a weird thing because it is a real feeling but one you have no control over. I don’t know if she has other grandchildren in which case I guess it’s not that, or if she doesn’t and desperately wants them but isn’t handling it well.

I have some empathy for that yearning as I do for people who want to be parents and can’t . But also. She can’t behave this way and you do have to be firm. It’s your life and she has to accept and respect that, sad though she might be. Her behaviour isn’t reasonable and you need to keep telling her that. It’s ok to accept that that makes her sad but also to tell her to stop this now.

YANBU at all, telling her once should be enough, I am someone who chose to have children, I’ve had two and my second is my last, my sister is 23 and she openly said last year she doesn’t want children, she’s much younger than you but none of us have questioned her or given the ‘you might change your mind lecture’ because it’s her life, she’s great with my kids and plays with them constantly, but isn’t a maternal person and isn’t interested in anything past the fun parts.
Not wanting children isn’t selfish at all, having children you didn’t want just because you think you should is the selfish action, in my opinion you weren’t harsh enough, I know she’s your mother, but at this point it needs completely shutting down. And in response to her ‘what is the point in life’ statement, tell her the point is to enjoy it while you’re here and that’s what you’re doing, and she should be thinking of her own child’s wants and respecting your decisions, instead of hypothetical grandchildren

I had my four kids comparatively young, I didn't want to be an old mum. My kids, my choice. Now, I'm over 60, retired and not a single glimpse of a grandchild anywhere on the horizon, despite three children being married or having longer term partners.

I would NEVER question them about this. Do I want grandchildren? Yes, I'd love some, preferably before I'm too old to have fun with them. But, it's just not my choice and it's not a topic I would ever raise. My husband has brought it up a couple of times and when he has, as soon as everyone was out of earshot I've told him not to say a word.

This is such bilge. I couldn’t have children and I really don’t give two hoots about my “legacy” or the end of my bloodline! The here and now is what matters to me.

What absolute drivel. "A switch that's pushed the minute we have children" - that is just laughable. Taking just this one website in isolation, the most vicious, vitriolic abuse comes from these "sympathetic mothers" of which you speak. I can't actually believe you wrote that.

I am wondering if your childhood was not that happy and you resent your mum. I'm not saying that's wrong at all.

You sound cold and as if you believe that if you don't understand your mum's feelings she deserves no empathy. Of course your mum shouldn't go on about it but it does mean that her blood line ends for eternity, that she leaves no legacy, and that can make some people wonder what the meaning of life is and what was the point of it all. I feel sorry for your mum.

I don’t think she’s actually saying you or your siblings "owe" her grandchildren, or that it’s somehow your duty to provide her with some, is she? She’s just very disappointed not to have any. She’s wrong to keep going on about it, but I can understand her great disappointment. Of course you and your siblings must make your own decisions about whether or not to have children, without needing to take her wishes into account, but it can’t be denied that it is very unusual for none of 4 siblings to want children.

I have a good marriage and a successful career, but my two grandchildren (whose mother is, incidentally, a doctor) have enriched my life enormously. I sympathise with your mother, who won’t have that experience - but she’s still wrong to keep going on about it.

I fully agree you shouldn’t have children you don’t want to have, but I find it ludicrous that two qualified doctors with 15+ year careers are claiming they can’t afford children. Please stop claiming that. The truth is you don’t want to afford children, but you absolutely could if you wanted to - which you don’t.

Also, you paint a picture of your mother as wealthy but lonely. Grandchildren are often a source of joy and company and it’s not unreasonable that your mother is sad that she doesn’t have this. Part of her may wonder where she went wrong in raising 4 children who are so against having children, a biological instinct for most people without which the human race wouldn’t be preserved. That fact is why she believed when she had 4 children it was most likely she would have grandchildren - statistics would suggest that not having any grandchildren with 4 children is incredibly unusual. None of this is to say you should have kids (you absolutely shouldn’t for the reasons you gave) but I think it’s very clear to everyone else why your mother so desperately wants/expected grandchildren. She never wanted to travel etc. as you suggest, she wanted a family (as was probably evident when she had 4 kids) and is sad that in her old age she doesn’t have the big family she envisioned and believed she was creating.

YANBU and you are also not selfish.

Selfish is when people have dc and are not prepared to let them cramp their style in the way that children, frustratingly, do.

Not having them is the only reasonable course given your feelings - which are perfectly, perfectly valid.

I am going to go against the grain and say I do feel sorry for your Mum and don't think she is "batshit" to long for GC. I am sure I will!

But that still isn't a good enough reason to bring a child into the world.

Also, I suspect she will give up commenting soon. She is probably panicking as she feels your window is closing - which she isn't wrong about.

But you should never feel pressured into having children: it isn't fair on them. I think you are very wise to be able to be honest with yourself about that.