AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

And I’m surrounded by women with regrets. Oddly I’ve never met a woman who regretted having a baby.

Does it seem like her pressure on you is coming from missing out on bragging rights in her social circles and being the odd one out?

Or does it go further than that and come from a place of shame that her peers may be judging her?

To the outside world it may seem she has failed as a mother if the four children she brought up have all unilaterally decided to pursue completely different life paths than the family-orientated one she provided.

That you four must have had bad experiences as children and that it has shaped you all to go against the grain.

Are you close to your siblings? Are you the only one that gets this pressure?

it is nobody’s business . Why do people interfere in this way?

butt out!!

You are not being unreasonable, she needs to hear you, believe you and shut up. None of us has a right to grandchildren, I regard myself as very lucky to have them and see them. Have one friend who is deeply upset not to have them and can’t get past it but also a friend who has no gc but is very good to other’s gc. It isn’t for you to produce living dolls to occupy her in retirement, it is for her to find ways to fill her days.

SHE DOESN'T WANT BABIES!

I agree with this.
My DDs are young adults, the eldest wants children very much. The youngest says she doesn’t, but is still a teenager. A few of my friends have grandchildren already and they are so happy and adore them, they have all restructured their lives to help as much as possible, even though they themselves have high powered jobs. It’s lovely to see how much they are enjoying it.
I would be honestly devastated not to have grandchildren. Partly to experience being a grandmother, and also to see things from my parents and grandparents going on into the future. Dh also really wants grandchildren. Of course we may never have them, and of course it is my daughters choice to make, but it is more of a big deal to many people than you understand OP. I have friends who will never have them and are extremely sad about that. Of course your Mum shouldn’t nag you about it, but she is probably unwilling to give up on that dream. My Dad did mention it quite frequently as I got older, I didn’t mind at all. Your Mum must be really shocked and sad that all four of her children may not have their own children, that’s quite an unusual situation to be in, and I think you should be more understanding of how she feels, as at some point she will have to give up hope unless one of your siblings changes their mind.

Oh OP im sorry you are dealing with this. I have children (after significant fertility issues) and I always wanted to be a mum and I completely believe that you can have a rich, happy life, full of meaning without kids! You are a doctor, spending your life helping people and society and you are certainly not selfish. People find all sorts of meaning in life and if you are happy and fulfilled that is an amazing achievement!
I think your mum is likely suffering from some grief at not being a grandmother and maybe mistakenly thinking you will eventually change your mind. I get its tough for her but I think you need to have a sit down with her again and explain that it is really upsetting you and you feel she does not value your life choices and everything you have achieved. Ultimately we all want our children to be happy and im sure your mum just wants you to be happy. Good luck and congratulations on your wedding! X

I have children but I've always wanted to. I know plenty of lovely people that don't have children and (although I wouldn't swap my children for their lives) the freedom they have to follow their own interests or go on holiday, go out to eat at restaurants, whatever they want, is enviable. It's also different for men because most women with children naturally do more childcare and mental load stuff.

Your posts are surprisingly lacking in empathy for the mother who loves you. It’s striking how many of your posts are about how you know nothing about being a mother, and how terrible you would be at it. With all your education and age it’s hard to understand that you become a mother thru pregnancy and birth, that you don’t need experience, that you and your partner would love your baby like no other just because it’s your own, and that is all you need.

Your posts are very defensive. Sounds like your mother would be a free childminder and possible would financially contribute to nursery. My financial contribution to my children will be childcare. They don’t know this. I just think it’s the best help I can give if they can’t afford it.

Does your mum have these same arguments with your siblings or just you?

Why do you feel your restricted social background through medical school was relevant?

It seems to me that aren't at all able to express empathy for the situation. This is probably why it has never been resolved.

We all have visions of what life will be like in future and it is very common for these to be changed. It is entirly normal for someone with four children to expect they are likely to be a grandparent. Equally it's normal for someone to travel lots with their husband to imagine doing this lots when retired. But I actually think not being able to travel with your husband when retired (due to illness, disability, death, divorce or a whole host of other possabilities) is more likely than not having one grandchild from four chidlren.

You're right, if only the old trout in question understood that, OP wouldn't have started the thread and there wouldn't be hundreds of posts from arseholes proving that they don't understand your point either.

My mother was similarly obnoxious about children and has been known to ask strangers if they were pregnant ( they weren't), to lecture relatives on not allowing their child to be an "only" child and asking parents of one child why they didn't have any more. Every time we spoke on the phone she'd shout "are you pregnant yet" before I'd even said hello. I have one child. I lost my first with a missed miscarriage, then had my amazing "only" child and never conceived another. I am delighted with my child and consider him to be a precious gift. Tell your mother to cease with questioning others' choices. We don't all follow the same path.

Explain how that makes her mentally unstable?

One of the biggest load of shit I’ve ever read
on here, and that takes some beating! 👏🏻

'Devestated' at not being a grandparent? Only if she is mentally unstable.

On a really basic primeval level your genetics die out/do not get directly passed on if you don't have grandkids. In 100 years they'll be none of your mum left on this earth in all likelihood. I can understand why she'd be upset about that!

I know you're not bothered, but she wants grandkids like an only child might long for a sibling or someone longs for a partner etc. It's a relationship she probably expected to have in her old age that she doesn't!

That doesn't at all mean it's your responsibility in any way, and I definitely don't think you should have kids you don't want, but I do have sympathy for her. My mum and my oldest daughter have such a special bond, it's a truly important relationship for both of them! And my mum is so delighted with having my DC in her life.

Yeah. I'd rather not be a DiL in India, South Korea or Japan who has to move in with my husband's parents and clean for them, ta very much.

These non Western cultures where it’s considered an obligation to give your parents children are also usually ones where women have little value or status outside of traditional family structures and a wife who does not produce children is seen as a burden.

I am not sure why you are confused that your mum expected to have grandkids? Only 20% of women get to 45 without having any children. As she's had 4 kids, purely mathematically it is statistically unusual that she wont have any grandchildren.

Now, that doesn't mean she gets to be rude or impolite. You wouldn't be a very good mum and your husband doesn't like kids. You don't have the money to raise any kids. Those are three very good reasons not to have them. Your mum should accept that and butt out.

But I don't think that expecting your own children to have kids (providing zero pressure is applied) is unreasonable in itself.

I‘m not sure why you think non western societies have access to some supposedly universal truth, as opposed to merely a different cultural perspective.

Funnily enough, plenty of people in more collective societies aspire to the individualism of the west (take it from me, as a woman born and raised in a non western country), and there are non western societies in which women are making the choice, for themselves, to not have children.

I have a family member who's worked in pediatrics and has chosen not to have children. Perhaps it's something to do with seeing, day in, day out how vulnerable they are? It's a disappointment to her mother but she accepts it.

I think you sound admirably clear and self aware about your decisions and I can understand why you can't see why your Mum is constantly banging on.
I'm closer in age to your Mum and in all honesty I think she needs to get a life. After reading all your posts it sounds like she fancies the notion of grandchildren but not the reality. Perhaps she should get her DBS over the summer and volunteer with children when the schools are back?

I think she wants to be a Disney Granny rather than a wipe the bum and nose Gran.

Stick to your guns and have a glorious wedding|!!

oh behave

It is your choice. Maybe going forward you should say this is not a topic I’m discussing anymore, love you but im going to go home now. She’ll get the message eventually that the topic brings communication and visits to a halt. She’ll be hurting and it’s not your hurt to fix and she shouldn’t be making you feel bad. I can just see how that would make her feel. You don’t have to make her dreams come true. Your mom sounds like she enjoyed motherhood (she did it 4 times) and she sounds like she did an amazing job. 4 successful children is quite the accomplishment for not only you and your siblings but for your parents to. She may not see it in the same way as you do because she experienced motherhood. It’s getting through to her that you have a happy fulfilled life is the problem. You need her to stop turning the conversation back to the same thing and the only way to do that is to swiftly end it. Just interrupt her and say I’ve got to go now whilst on the phone & in person just change the subject and if she keeps going on just leave. She will realise it’s pointless going on and she’s best off not saying anything

Parents can be disappointed without that disappointment becoming someone else’s duty to fix. Adults aren’t obligated to reproduce to manage their parents’ disappointment.

You haven’t explained why a parent wanting grandchildren creates a moral obligation for someone else to have children.

Calling an adult’s right to choose their own life “a Western concept” doesn’t make your argument true or profound. It just sidesteps the fact that no one owes another person a child, whether that’s a parent, a partner, or anyone else.

I agree that you have no responsibility to have children for your mother. I don't expect my children to provide grandchildren for me, I see my job as being to bring them up well enough to have happy and successful lives of their own and be decent members of society, what 'happy and successful' looks like is defined by however they see it.

But in the interests of understanding your mother's perspective... you're essentially approaching this with the same argument she has for why you should have children.

You say - why doesn't she travel and pursue a lifestyle that you see as fun? Why doesn't what you would find fulfilling make her feel fulfilled?

She doesn't want to travel and go on fun nights out, she wants grandchildren. She had 4 children, she finds having young children fulfilling. Travel isn't going to fill the void that she feels - that's what you like.

You don't have to provide children for her, or feel bad about not providing them. But you can do what she can't, and try to really understand and empathise with her. She finds joy from differing things to you, there's nothing wrong with that.

The problem is she can't provide those things for herself and its unreasonable of her to expect you to.

A starting point isn't to feel frustrated and guilty, you've nothing to feel guilty about. It's to put yourself in her shoes and speak to her from that level.