AIBU to stay in an unhappy marriage because I cannot afford to leave?

Oh Gymmum82, you sound so squashed, I'm going to sketch out 2 possible futures for you here.

One
You stay. You stay in the same job. Your youngest gets to 18, leaves home for college / uni. Your DH decides he's had enough and wants a divorce. You're still on near minimum wage, now living in poverty but 8 years further down the line, even more squashed

Two
You stay for now, but you build a plan. You get some counselling, to build up your self esteem, explore your options in a safe environment. You explore options for re-training, sign up and qualify for another, better paid role. Maybe you continue to stay, maybe you move out, either way you're now prepared should your DH decide he's had enough and wants out.

If you're late 40s, you have another 20 years of working life ahead of you so it's definitely worth exploring a re-training path. The national Careers service is free and a good place to start. https://nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/ . Some employers offer counselling services as part of their package so ask your HR if that's a possibility

I would stay. I couldn't live in poverty.

As giving her job is ‘outing’ (it never is) then it’s all assumptions, but there are L3 accounting qualifications that the government funds is you are on lower wages; there are apprenticeships available for a wide variety of things. There are people on here all the time talking about furthering their education well into their 40s.

And I know full well about poverty - grew up in poverty in a deprived South London council estate and it’s absolutely miserable. Which is why I did all I could to ensure I’d never have to go back.

She’s not living in poverty now so she should use this time to try to give herself the best opportunity she can to develop her career.

Two of my friends have qualified as teachers in their 40s. There are lots of people doing all they can to change career and OP is emotionally attached to her job so can’t countenance a change.

I feel for you OP and your situation is far more common than you may think.
I don't have any answers and can see both sides of the coin.
Living on extremely low income where you can't afford a trip to the cinema or similar is very wearing, especially if it is not what you are used to.
That said, some people are happier without the stress of a bad relationship and adjust their way of living accordingly.
Your husband can be moody and grumpy which is very wearing.
Can you do a financial spreadsheet based on the situation if you were to go it alone.
Is your marriage able to be saved?
Does your husband know how you feel?
I have a family member who lived a separate life to her husband whilst living under the same roof, it worked for them.
Take care OP

Your marriage is abusive, and ideally you’d feel confident enough to put not being abused over money for holidays.

You have at least 20 years still to work, so retraining or getting some qualifications should still bear some fruit. Alternatively, if he wants 50-50, you could do extra hours in your current job, or try to pick up a second job on days/nights you don’t have the kids.

My mum stayed married to dad and as the years went on she was more and more unhappy. Dad was a bully. Mum would tell me when we went on dog walks, I even offered her to come live with me.

She too was trapped by money and not much of a working career as a SAHM of 4 kids. She regretted it I think.

Ok. That doesn’t mean that such a thing is impossible.

Of course they aren't. Anyone who says they are haven't been poor either. It's soul destroying.

I dont know anyone who is poor and happy

From what you are saying this is an emotionally abusive/controlling relationship. His moods dictate what you can say or do. You have to avoid subjects to prevent an argument. This is no way to live.
Once you accept this is not a healthy relationship for you or your children, it might be easier for you to leave. At the ages they are they are likely to have some say in where they live, so your DH is less likely to get 50/50.
Contact somewhere like Woman's Aid for some support.

I understand OS . The fear of just about surviving financially especially with kids is real . You have to come to terms with the reality that something has got to change . One option is a need to find a better paid job or an additional income stream . Are you in rented property now . If you split try to find a situation that you could share rent or rent out a room to help . Consider changing your job at least temporarily or get an extra one. . It will be very tough at first but only you can decide if you would be happier not living with him anymore . You have youth on your side as still very capable of earning an income .

Could your DH afford to support the children as main parent and maintain their quality of life? Surely you can earn enough to support yourself and pay maintenance and have weekend/midweek contact with your wage and whatever you'd get from the divorce settlement.

Exactly. It’s always the same crap
on here retrain. But people don’t seem
to know how much professional training courses costs. I did one paid by my employer if I had to self fund it would have cost me 4k

I don’t agree with Teacups views either, but your put down is very rude.

Do you have a pension from your job?

@AdmiralTeacup what a load of shit your post is.

Is the house rented or bought? Does your husband earn well? He would have to pay maintenance or he may decide to leave the home for the children. He’s probably oblivious to his attitude as subjects are avoided by his family to keep him from getting annoyed. Let him get annoyed, tell him that you want to separate and see where the cards lay. If you own half the property then don’t leave, many people are separated and live together until they can afford an alternative.

And poverty is miserable and it's extremely hard to escape without external help or someone that can pay for you to retrain and fund you and your children at the same time!

Can the people saying retrain, get a new job etc please explain what jobs they mean? What jobs pay you while they train you? (Very few and the salary is very low for at least a year)

What jobs (beside minimum wage jobs with little progression) actually hire you If you have no experience or the right qualifications ?

People make out like it's all so simple. It's a luxury to 'start again' and retrain or study something new.

So what are the “escalating arguments “ you talk about ? What is he unhappy with in the marriage? I feel for you as it must be awful walking on eggshells all the time but feel you have to stay for the children (btw what would you advocate your child to do in these circumstances?) that might be your answer lead by example. How do they feel about him and his moods is it affecting them or are they too meek to say because like you they have accepted their lot.

Have you checked how much you'd get in a divorce if he buys you out of the house, or it's sold?

Your kids can choose where they live at those ages, 50/50 wouldn't be enforceable.

The thing about posts like this are that the OP essentially knows that the only way to change requires difficult choices which they aren’t willing to do.

@Gymmum82 you absolutely can retrain - there at least lots of options. But you don’t want to. That’s your shout but you can’t then complain about the low wages.

You want to stay in your low paid job. So stay and make the best of it but don’t pretend you are a helpless passenger in your life.

You would be surprised. You cannot put on a price on peace. Women have restarted with nothing but felt better. There is help out there, plenty of free cycle sites and good people who donate to those restarting their lives.
I promise you that the stress on your children will be much greater if you stay.

I would leave, kids need a happy healthy home & mum far more than they need holidays and “stuff”.

You both sound like an affair waiting to happen!

Lots of people stay together for the kids. When they’ve grown up, would you leave?