AIBU to stay in an unhappy marriage because I cannot afford to leave?

I agree that retraining isn’t necessarily a magic wand, especially in the current employment market. This is why I think a self-employed side-business might be a better option.

But better anything than lying down and giving up!

I agree, and some of the financial advice here is naive, at best. Some people don’t have funds to “squirrel away”. Retraining might be a good option for OP long term but it’s not some magic pill.

I think someone about said get some premium bonds. I mean, seriously??!

Retraining is hard. As a pp said though, there is student finance (plus subsidised creches etc) for those without a first degree.

The jobs market is not in a good place at the moment. Even with 'retraining', hard work and pushing for other opportunities, there's no guarantee she will be successful in her pursuit of more money. The way some people talk about retraining or doing a course, it's like they think it's like a magic wand. But life doesn't always work like the way you think it sometimes should on paper.
It's a really difficult situation to make whether to stay or go. Both are shit options, but she's just got to choose what is less shit.

As long as there isn’t abuse I tend to agree. Marriages can change and improve, especially as the most stressful period of childrearing recedes. I have experienced this myself.

Splitting is likely to throw up all kinds of other problems, especially the threat of losing your children. There are multiple threads on here where a teenager has gone off to the other parent’s house (perhaps for a more liberal, homework-free environment) and refused to return. There is literally nothing you can do in that situation, as the child’s wishes will be centred once they are above a certain age. Personally I would far rather forgo a bit of personal happiness than risk that happening…

The best thing you can do is to throw yourself into improving your qualifications, earnings and job prospects. Far more qualifications can be done online these days. Or can you start a small business on the side? Even reselling used items can be quite profitable, if you are committed and keep at it. Don’t be put off by the need to do a tax-return, they are really not hard and there will be boxes for your employed earnings and your self employed income. Get onto YouTube and start learning!

Do the sums. Either yourself, or look for charitable/services that can help you with this if needed.

Work out what being poor would actually look like. You are absolutely right that poverty is not fun. But there are many different levels to poverty. There’s living in a tent poverty and everything is a constant struggle. And there’s not being able to eat out, and small flat in a less popular neighbourhood, but being able to eat healthy food and afford medical care and yes you have to budget but you can stay ahead.

You also need to think about what if the choice is not stay or go, but go now or go later. It doesn’t sound like either of you are happy, and as hard as it is to start over now what would that look like in 10 or 15 years? Yes the kids would be grown but your ability to start over would be reduced.

Another thing to consider is if a second job could help you. If your ex is parenting half the time then maybe the time you used to spend on them could go to an extra 5-10 hour job a week that is paid. If your current job is just above minimum wage, then that could make a substantial difference to your financial position (as I said - do the sums, look at impacts on benefits, tax, etc).

This is a big decision. Treat it like a business project, if you were making a huge move business wise you would find out everything in detail, see a solicitor, get the facts on all the financial aspects of it, and then be able to make an informed decision.

Until you've done this, you can't know what your options are. You can feel you have no choice, you can tell yourself you can't afford it, you'd be in poverty, he would have the DC 50/50 (is that likely in reality?) etc, and stay put.

Or you can find out.

Do you genuinely think your husband wouldn't pay for the dance and the football in the event of a split?

Childcare

I know plenty of people who are in unhappy marriages, living pretty much separate lives, but together for the kids, or just too much hassle to separate. I think it's more common that we realise.
Sometimes one of the couple will start an affair, and that prompts a divorce, but so many just carry on and keep the status quo.
I'm not sure you would be happier separating now, OP - not least because of the impact on your DC's lifestyle - but your DC won't be this age forever. You can put a time limit on it - start making plans to leave when, say, youngest child is 18 and more independent. Save money in the meantime.

I left an abusive relationship when DC were 13 and 15
I was broke but at peace - no UC then but I got tax credits to top up my wages
20 years later I’m just about to pay off my mortgage - earn around £70k (following many career changes) my DC are grown up - happy rounded adults
I am very content with my life

You could leave and allow your husband to have majority childcare for a while until you find your feet and get more established. At that age the kids can live where they want anyway. This could enable you to take on additional training or a second job to improve your earning potential.

Yes I agree, it is hard with universal credit. I had to switch from tax credits to universal credit when we separated as the change in circumstance closed my tax credit claim.

@NeedSleepNowtax credits was a much more generous system. Most people are worse off on UC. It was possible to leave and survive (just!) on tax credits, with UC it’s much harder.

Focus on what is best for your children. If the household is relatively harmonious it may be better to stay, at least until the children are all adults with their own lives. Children generally want one home, one base, not being shuttled between two households at the whim of their separated parents.
I would question anyway whether you would be happier separating, given the circumstances you describe - the stress of a lot less money, unhappy children, potentially difficult arrangements over child contact. Unless your DC absolutely detest your DH you might be better off staying.

But the children won't thank her for their unhappy home. Unless OP will be so poor she can't meet their basic needs, the children are better off in a happy, loving home but without much money.

Completely agree. That was the choice I made. It was very hard at times but so much better than the alternative.

I get that you think you can't afford to leave. I went into a marriage from a rented room and no debt, to having a child and debt. I couldn't just wing it or make do or sofa surf.
I guess you could plod along until the dc are 18 plus, sell the house, deposit on something small. The dc would be independent and presumeably no longer expecting you to fund dance and football or put a roof over their heads.
Seems a bit of a waste of your one life though.

Personally, I borrowed rent money for the crummiest cheapest 2 bed flat. Kept upgrading jobs as dd got older, upgraded flats.
Not the life I imagined when I was holding a bouquet and saying vows. Much better than being married to a resentful man.

Best of luck @Gymmum82

I would stay as long as it’s safe and seek
friendships and social interaction - at least until kids are 20ish. I think few women want to admit they regret leaving but being poor is awful.

You need to speak to a solicitor OP.

I felt in a similar position a few years ago. Life at home was miserable and I was walking on eggshells around my angry husband, as were the children. I had been a stay at home mum for 8 years, having left a good career to raise the children (I loved being a stay at home mum but would not advise my daughter to do the same, I would suggest to her to keep working part time so that she is not financially dependent on a partner) so money was a big worry for me as I had no income other than child benefit and a small amount of tax credits.

I was torn between staying and leaving because of the fear of how I would manage financially and my worry that he would fight for 50/50 shared care (his relationship with the children was pretty bad at that point and I didn't think the children could cope with that). In the end I made the decision to leave the relationship after an incident when our eldest was cowering in his room so scared, as his dad was shouting at him over and over. I had to sort myself out financially first though, I wasn't able to go back to my old career so applied for jobs that fitted in with school hours. I got a job in a school 3 days a week, pay was low but it was a start. When we separated I had enough money coming in (wages, child benefit, child maintenance and I claimed a top up from universal credit) to pay the mortgage & all bills.

I then took a college course 1 day a week to get some extra qualifications to help me get a better job. Since then I have found a full time job with better pay and have been promoted since then. I don't earn a lot but it is enough (I don't enjoy the work at all but that doesn't bother me too much for now).

After the divorce went through the family house was sold and with the equity from that I have been able to buy a home for me and the children. It has been a struggle, the kids still do their clubs etc but I have no money for myself, for holidays, days out etc. If things become more of a struggle financially in the future then they will have to stop going to their activities.

Do you and your husband own a home or rent as that will make a difference to your finances. If you own a home that would need to be sold you would be entitled to a share of the equity from it. If you rent, you would be eligible for help towards rental costs from universal credit. If you only earn a bit above minimum wage you may be eligible for more universal credit than you think. Have you looked at www.entitledto.co.uk for a calculation of what help you could get? If your income is low and you claim universal credit your children would be entitled to free school meals, you might get help with council tax (as well as the 25% single adult discount), you can claim up to 85% of childcare costs back from universal credit if you have childcare costs (my youngest is in primary school so i have to use breakfast club/after school club so that I can work full time and universal credit helps with this cost). There's often lots of extra help out there to help you get on your feet.

Would your husband really want 50/50 shared care of the children? I was very worried about this with my ex but the reality was that he told everyone I was taking his kids away from him, he never saw them etc. but 5 years on all he really wants is 24 hours a fortnight with them and the odd day or two extra in the school holidays. The children's relationship with their dad is much better than it was when we lived with him, and they have pretty much forgotten how bad things were before we split.

Personally I feel I made the right decision, it is incredibly hard financially and in the early days I did wonder if I'd made a mistake. But it has been worth it, the kids are happier, I'm happier and I hope it shows the children that you don't have to put up with being treated badly by a partner.

You are stronger than you realise and whatever option you choose you will get through this.

You’ve got to get out OP. You might still get maintenance depending on his income even with 50:50 but your kids are almost at an age where they can decide for themselves where to live and if they don’t want 50:50 then he’ll have to take you to court to get it and then the court will ask the kids what they want. It isn’t about what he wants. You are still young enough to have another life don’t waste it you will regret it.

A lot of people in your situation from what I can see give themselves a glow up, start new male dominated hobbies, get a new job in a male dominated work place - and leave by having an affair.

I'm not saying it's right or wrong but it certainly happens.

I would guess many people are in the same boat and would separate if they could afford to, but put up with it until one of them has a fling and the issue is forced.

I'm sure you'd have said but are your parents around and supportive, could they fund the dance classes if you explained how miserable you are? Wouldn't you be eligible for housing benefit as a single parent on a low wage?

Sounds so miserable op, I hope things improve for you

My mum and dad divorced when I was 6, my only holiday in the rest of my childhood was a week at Butlins. You don’t need holidays, but I’d say that your children need happy parents.