How could I be a supportive relative to a mother who’s daughter is anorexic?

If she’s in a specialist unit she will very very unwell, and her mums day will be caught up in visiting, various meetings etc. She may also just need the time and space at home after a very worrying time with her daughter. She may have no capacity to see people or socialise no matter how lovely the friend or how good the relationship. If she does see you, be led by her, please don’t ask lots of questions about her daughter, because it’s her daughters private health information and you honestly get tired fielding questions from the most well meaning if people.

Eating disorders also can feel very shameful for the parent - like you can’t do the most basic parenting task of feeding your child. It’s nonsense of course but that doesn’t stop the feelings.

Presumably the mother and the daughter and the health care professionals don’t know either. It’s not the kind of illness that sticks to a timeline…

You don’t, it’s none of your business unless the daughter wants to share or mum tells you because she needs support. The thing with anorexia is it becomes all consuming for the parent. If the child is being cared for at home your days are spent preparing food, trying to get the child to eat the food, clearing up after food and then on to the next round of food. Trying to work out what they might eat, getting calories as high as possible with a child who can smell calories at 100 paces, all while trying to manage every other aspect of health and wellbeing. My DC has had many varied health difficulties but it was the eating disorder that nearly broke me.

If you genuinely want to offer support, just be there at the end of the phone if she needs you, recognise that she has bigger fish to fry than keeping you informed and accept she may just not have capacity for anything extra, even if that “extra” is a treat, or something supportive.

You don't.

It's her daughter's private business and as much as you obviously care very much, you have no right to this information.

My experience of this is check in frequently but don’t expect a response. It’s becomes all about the mother and child and feels like very selfish behaviour. It’s hard to leave the child to head out for a coffee or a walk, so suggest visiting with a take out coffee for a chat. Be on hand to help with anything that needs doing. Hang on in there as it’s a long journey.

A nice card with a note inside. Explain you need no acknowledgment from her but you are there if she needs you

Just keep checking in and being available. Make practical suggestions of things like would she like to go for coffee at x time or go to cinema y evening. Things she doesn't have to think about.

Write her a letter not a message
say no pressure to respond but you are there for her in any capacity she wants
send your love and say that you are willing them both on