How could I be a supportive relative to a mother who’s daughter is anorexic?

I have many years under my belt with a daughter who had Anorexia but is now in recovery. In my experience people have a goulash fascination with the disease and unless you’ve experienced it yourself as a parent you’ll never know or understand what it’s like. You shouldn’t be asking what is happening or discussing it with others,it’s hugely private and distressing knowing others are trying to pry. A thinking of you and we’re here if you need it card is enough.

Not sure why anybody would ever judge a parent in this position.

She may well know, but really isn’t able to engage with other people just now. The very best thing is a simple message letting her know you’re all thinking about her. No questions or helpful suggestions or offers to meet up. If she’s able she’ll know she can get in touch.

I know you’re not trying to gossip, but when you’re in that place of trying to help your child every innocent query can feel very difficult.

Good because even if the mum confided in you it is not your job or appropriate for you to share any info with anyone else ! If you did that it would be one sure way to find your friend wouldn’t be your friend going forward. It’s a very difficult and sensitive time for your friend and sadly the outcome will be very uncertain. What you can be sure of it is serious as her DD is in a specialist unit and your friend will be caught up in a continuous round of meetings with the professionals while trying to support her DD. It’s exhausting and often the last thing you want to do in that situation is share information/ discuss with others and give constant updates.

as a good friend you just send her a card with a message in acknowledging the awful situation she is in, recognising she will be so worried about her DD and offering a listening ear if ever she wants one and understanding she may not want to speak / meet up at the moment.

I am the mum in a similar situation a few years down the road. In my experience I really appreciated people who tried to understand, and actually those who just offered support. I say 'tried to understand' reservedly, because a lot of people think they know something about eating disorders, but in reality unless it's been in your family you really don't. If you're wanting more details to pass on to others then I'd abandon that idea really - for me it was too hard to explain just how awful life was, even when I tried people would do their usual of downplaying things - people do this because its easier for them. "she's looking so much better, you're doing a good job" means worse than nothing when actually you've spent two hours that day in a screaming match where your child says the most hurtful things they can think of to try and make you back away from helping them eat.

Please don't use things you've heard as questions or talking points. 'I've heard it's all about control', 'it's because of controlling mothers isn't it', 'they all have a bit of an eating disorder at this age' are all things people said to me. I'm baffled by why anyone would think these were ok!!

A few of my friends sent me a card or a bunch of flowers with a message of support, which I really appreciated. The best thing is to keep in touch regularly, offer support, don't expect anything in return. Some people kept their distance from me and I've never really reconnected, I felt quite let down.

One thing you can probably count on is that this is most likely the most awful thing your friend and her daughter have ever gone through. It was for us.

yes

it does sound like the op has been mining for information to pass on to others.

OP… write the card. DO NOT ASK FOR INFO

And leave it

"Hi relative. I've been thinking of you, and I'm guessing that life is pretty tough at the moment. If you have space in your diary and your mind, I'm shopping in (town) on Friday if you'd like to meet for coffee. Failing that you can let me know any other time you're free for a chat, whether it's to unload or to talk about anything but life's stresses. I'm here"

It sounds like she might, which is possibly a reason why some of her messages are ignored.

How is your dd now?

And even if you did know.. you would not share with others.

I have messages to say I’m here not just asking what’s happening

You really shouldn't be asking what's happening at all.

'I'm here' is more than enough.

The questions are probably the reason she ignores messages.

What? It’s nobody else’s business and you shouldn’t be offering up third hand information.

I've not been in precisely this position but my daughter has had an eating disorder. If you have not been desperately close to the mother for any reason then I wouldn't necessarily expect her to want to share anything with you. Don't expect anything.

.All I would have wanted was the briefest of messages to say that you're thinking of her and daughter and wishing them all the best. If she is up for more, I'm sure she will reply.

Why on earth do you need to respond to nosey parkers asking. You seem more worried about letting them down than your ill relative. You're focused on when you'll be told stuff not on them.

I think if people are asking just explain it’s complicated and it’s not your story to tell, yes it’s very worrying but she’s in the right place. I know it can feel hard when folk are worried, but there’s really nothing you can say that will change that.

One thing that did help me was my sister organising easy food for the rest of the family - it took a practical load off my mind when every waking minute was spent trying to deal with my daughter. She organised a meal delivery service so I didn’t need to think about it, if her daughter is away from home that might be helpful for her own use.

I was in the position not so long ago . My friend was going through all kinds of hell with her child.

i just checked in regularly , not expecting a reply and just said I hope everything was ok , and if she need a chat or anything just to call, my phone would be on day or night . When she was able to cope she responded .

My dd had anorexia, we didn't tell a lot of the family. We didn't want people getting involved and causing more stress. This is different as once the child is in hospital it would become impossible to keep it hidden. It becomes all consuming and you are literally always talking about food and can be hours getting a child to eat a single bit of food. Your relative probably does not want to talk about it at this time. It's really hard especially when people make silly comments like have you tried this, have you tried that like it's that easy. In the end you think that you don't want to talk about this with people that don't understand it. As pp have said just say here if you need me and leave it at that.

Good!

Because it's none of their business either.

What you tell them is that you've not heard much back from them.

I don’t have experience of inpatient, but when my daughter was going through the worst 6 months of anorexia I became incredibly antisocial. How close are you to the mother? Do you live near by? If you weren’t that close before, she may not have any capacity to be pleasant to anyone she isn’t very comfortable with (even if her child isn’t living at home at the moment). I received most support from people who lived near by and my lovely colleagues. People who I saw day to day and just treated me as before but were very understanding if I was having a bad day.

Replying to your messages will take effort. Do your messages always ask about the daughter? I would have found that exhausting as there is often nothing to say. I always prefer people to talk about anything but anorexia.

How do you get more info??

You don’t. She will tell you what she wants to tell you