How could I be a supportive relative to a mother who’s daughter is anorexic?

@GL0WWORM thank you for reaching out.

I was a volunteer on the Bodywhys Helpline in Ireland until the end of 2025.
we support parent, children/adults suffering from this illness, friends and families and carers.

we always recommend to give us a call for support and proactive ideas as to how best support the people you love who are suffering either directly or as collateral. Even if you re not in Ireland you can call the number.

please do.

she wont have the bandwidth to respond to you all the time, but knowing that you are there if she needs you is very helpful for them. So please dont take it personally and carry on with messages, letters, offers to take her out for a walk/coffee/ anything. One day she ll take your offer.

in the meantime we always say (amongst other things) it is very important to model how normal life looks like to the person who is suffering.

do give us a call or have a look at our website it is very informative. Www.bodywhys.ie

My friend had a daughter in hospital almost dead from anorexia. It was incredibly shocking because my friend had been chronically undereating all her life, and I’d never confronted her on it. So it was fairly terrible to think she might lose her daughter. Fortunately the hospital were amazing and the daughter is now ok but left with PCOS and various mental health problems.
All you can do is give love and be there, even though it’s terrible to witness and terrible for all concerned.

My daughter was an inpatient for 3 months at a specialist eating disorder unit and it was one of the worst periods of my life. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone, no one understood and I just felt awful all the time. Honestly, as a friend, I would have no expectations of replies to messages etc. Let her know you’re there for her but don’t expect replies or to know what is going on with her daughter. It’s a hugely emotional and stressful time and fielding well meaning enquiries just adds to the stress.

She’ll only want to reach out to somebody who has experience of supporting a child through this. Silence doesn’t necessarily mean not coping but probably preservation. You just gets though each day. Social chit chat is the last priority.

Sorry but graduations are for parents, the last thing I would have wanted is to go to somebody else’s child’s graduation celebration.

I am in this position at the moment, DD has been an inpatient for a couple of months.

Everyone is different, but I personally appreciate people reaching out, even if I don't have the capacity to actually meet them, it makes me feel a bit better to know they're thinking about me as it can be very isolating. I would second the people who said don't ask for info about the eating disorder, but do ask how the mum is doing and offering to meet, while making it clear you understand if that's not possible.

If she is getting the same feelings as we are about 'mining' for information for others then I'm not surprised she isn't replying to you. I can see you mean well though.

It's an incredibly difficult thing to go through, you feel so judged by others. I didn't tell that many people so I didn't have to hear all the crap about 'controlling mothers' or dreadful advice. Absolutely do not give any advice, I guarantee you are absolutely clueless, be grateful for that! It's the worst thing I've had to deal with in my life.

I found the people who checked in without expectation were the most helpful. I think offering a specific support could also be good - can I bring you coffee / ready meals/ babysit younger sibling/ dogsit - whatever might be appropriate, but be prepared for no reply.

I hope your relative recovers soon.

Would you usually invite her to that kind of thing? In my experience graduations are for the graduates immediate family rather than aunts, uncles etc. I’d find it very hard to celebrate another “child’s” success while mine was struggling so much.

In terms of not being able to speak to someone, I did have a very small circle I could speak to - only one of those was family. I needed the distance and security of very trusted friends. I knew people would ask my family what was going on, I didn’t want them to share anything they shouldn’t, so I just didn’t talk to them. Interestingly enough, there were people who thought they were closer to me than they actually were who were a bit out out that I didn’t use them for support, and assumed that meant I was doing it alone.

You’ve told her you’re there, if she wants you, she’ll let you know.

Everyone copes in their own way @GL0WWORM and she might not want to talk to anyone. Just behave as you normally would, invite her to the graduation etc.

Agree with pp that even if she wants to talk, articulating anything can be really difficult.
I have only spoken in detail with one family member, who is an excellent listener and I feel comfortable sharing. My DD adores her too, which is important. I have also had support from medical professionals and colleagues who have experience with eating eating disorders.

You have let your relative know you are here for her. Now you have to leave her alone and don’t take it personally if she doesn’t want to talk.

Her daughter's story is not hers to tell and her story is not yours to tell. Your concern / offers to support are coming across as digging for information to share with others. The need to be ahead of the story curve wrapped up as concern is a little distasteful.

In my experience the ED team are as supportive to the family as they are to the child as the family needs to be engaged with recovery.
It sounds like you want to insert yourself into the situation to get information under the guise of offering support. If you’ve already offered support and she hasn’t reciprocated, leave her alone now.

The specialist units do a lot of family therapy & support for carers is very important.

The unit staff know the illness well & the unique challenges it brings. They are the best people for her to speak to.

I had 3 admissions to specialist eating disorders units in my late teens/early twenties.

I shared very little with my mum - as I was over 16 there was very little that could be shared without my consent.

It's a horrid illness & looking back it was horrific for my mum too. It's very dark & secretive being in the grips of anorexia. All I talked about what calories I had been forced to consume & how I hated my mum for agreeing for me to be sectioned. That I would rather die than gain weight, that I hated her etc

She may well not know how her daughter is thinking or feeling or whether she is improving or not.

I can look back on it now & speak to my mum about it - we call it the dark years - I can see now that the anorexic mind was cruel to my mum too & not just me.

My mum says it was just horrific watching the illness ravage not just my body but my mind & that I lost my personality to the illness

It's a lot to try to comprehend - she probably couldn't articulate it to you even if she wanted to.

Keep in touch with her even if she doesn't respond - she very likely reads the messages & appreciate the effort but just doesn't have the capacity to respond. Be honest & say I'm sorry it's so hard I wish there was something I could do to make it easier.

Ask how she is & ask if she wants to meet for a coffee & chat.

Try to keep normal conversation - don't pry into her business & avoid anything that could be triggering eg your own kids health & achievements.

This is good advice. It’s easy to feel isolated in her situation, so just try to initiate normal activities with her.

I have bulimia. To me, no one is supportive but I understand they want to be. It is a horrible addiction. I am so skinny and vomit blood but still do it every day....just love her. It will kill me, but love is still the key.

Even if you did know it would absolutely not be ok to share this info

If you’ve already sent messages I wouldn’t do anything more. I wouldn’t send a card or flowers. If the Mum wants help she already knows you are there.