How could I be a supportive relative to a mother who’s daughter is anorexic?

You don't need the information. If she wants to, she will tell you.

Who are you? Posters are absolutely entitled to read a thread and respond accordingly when they see in a very short space of time an OP go from messaging her friend for information to pass on to those who ask (awful) and the after being told repeatedly how inappropriate that would be, comes up with the bright idea of something f showing a quite jaw dropping level of thoughtlessness. And yes ok… once again the OP drops the idea. But what next?

Why are some posters you included cannot read a thread before commenting.

this is a very sensitive subject.

can everyone read the full thread before commenting.

thank you in advance

I'm afraid what I see happening is the exact opposite.
Of course she wants to help but, after all the advice from people who do know what they're talking about, she has come up with the bright idea of inviting her to an event which will involve many, many young people, in an atmosphere of great happiness and jollity, celebrating (and being celebrated for) an achievement which the friend/cousin, at this time, very probably doesn't believe her daughter will never be able to experience.

She has already aknowledge it wasnt a good idea.

this is a very sensitive thread so can you please read it all before making an unhelpful comment.

in a situation like that friends are trying their best. Everyone makes mistakes you included. At least she is asking on here what more / better she can do to support her friend.

soplease helpful or jog along.

thank you

@GL0WWORM

i wont elaborate on the parent perspective because i dont know at what stage they are at.

from what you have shared here i would say that modelling normality is:

• carrying on what you did with her. So if you used to go on walks still make contact when you go on one, or the cinema/exhibitions/book club/new restaurant/coffee shop; anything you used to do together carry on offering
• sending message about how she is as often as you used to
• sending a new book you ve read, an interesting piece you ve read and asking her what she thinks
• every now and again (not all the time) asking her how she is and telling you re rhinking of them all.
• offering practical help not asking her to reach out if she needs one so things like “i know so and so (if she has other children) is going to X. I can wizz by and pick him / her to save you a trip and drop him / her back.
• going to shop in a couple of hours, anything you need let me know and i grab it for you and leave on your porch in an ice box

anything else.

just normal life for the people you love, and add every so often (but not all the time) the little extra
mile that makes life easier.

when I had cancer treatment the people that made a difference were the people who did practical help. Those were the people i reached out when I was stuck. Not the ones that kept saying “if you need anything let me know”.

anything else. Please ask. You can DM me if you need to. Bodywhys is anonymous. But do call them please.

I have two friends who have kids going through fairly acute mental health crises at the moment and people in this position often don’t have the stamina to engage with others and just retreat into themselves. Its already unbelievably stressful and draining and they don’t have the mental space for the basic diplomacy that goes with being a friend.

I agree that what you can do is to keep reiterating that you are there to help in any way you can but avoid judgement, advice or pressure.

And make things as easy as possible in terms of keeping in touch. The last thing someone in this situation needs is another piece of admin to manage.

I really loved this description of your friend @sweetpeaorchestra . Some people seem gifted with a rare ability to delicately balance expressions of sympathy with healthy, matter-of-fact normality, to show genuine care and insight without centring themselves. Often it can come from unexpected places.

When my DC was at their very worst, some of my best sources of support were people who I wasn't previously close to, but who just seemed to "get it". Whereas communication with some of my closest friends and family just became unbearable.

I know people are trying to be kind but personally I couldn't stand the wall meaning "I know how tough things are, I'm here if you need me" messages. They gave me the absolute rage in a way that is difficult to explain, I could almost see their pained, sympathetic head tilt as they typed it out, and then went back to their happy, normal lives, satisfied that they had done their duty by me while being extremely thankful that they weren't me.

Obviously that is just my very personal experience, and other PPs have said that they found comfort in their friends checking in. But I really wouldn't try to do more unless your relative taking the lead. The fact that you even contemplated for a nanosecond inviting your relative to an event celebrating someone else's healthy child makes me think that you don't instinctively get it., and probably are not going to be someone she turns to. I know that sounds very harsh but the vast majority of people don't get it either. It is a uniquely awful journey.

She has and realized it was a bad idea & also repeatedly said she will keep her 'beak out' (her own words)
She's trying to help her friend & doesn't know how & unless you've experienced anorexia it must be baffling & frightening to the outside.

No need to attack the OP.

Good grief! Are you actually reading any of the replies you're getting on here? You seem to have disregarded all that people with real experience of this very situation have told you.

I think you must mean "would not like". This OP seems very keen to be involved in the drama (as she seems to see it) of this. Don't want her to see this as a sign that she'd be doing a good thing after all.

Most teenage girls let alone ones with EDs would like their mothers discussing them with their friends and family. The Mum
may be struggling but it’s the daughter that is the one with the ED

Details of eating disorders which are against talk guidelines

There is unfortunately a lot of 'competing' and other unhealthy behaviours among people with eating disorders & details like weight, BMI, calories can affect people's recovery.

It is a horrid part of anorexia that the person's personality can be temporarily changed by the anorexia & people who are warm, kind & caring can behave horribly towards themselves, their family & other sufferers. People do recover from that but it's very very hard to watch.

I think the poster who was deleted is in the grips of the illness & playing that out which won't help them & is also very triggering to others struggling

I don't really know tbh just had to ride it out. The inpatient ward regime was mainly weight gain & medical monitoring. The weight gain may make the person look 'better' but their mind can be In a far worse place as they start feeling things properly that had been dulled by the effects of low weight.

There was then a lot of family based work & support from peers through groups etc.

It felt hopeless & like it would never improve but I think it just took time & determination & courage to remain at a healthier weight to let my mind move on

My daughter was hospitalised with an ED. During the worst times I honestly almost deleted WhatsApp, I personally found messages overwhelming.
You are living in a sort of parallel universe of pain at this time, I was in touch daily with just a few v close family members.

I really appreciated my friend who didn’t text much, but occasionally sent a lovely supportive message with no expectation of a reply.
She’d also randomly send links to interesting articles on politics, say, or shared interests we have, or a pic of a hike she went on. Sometimes I had no capacity to respond but sometimes it was a welcome distraction and we’d have some chat about totally unrelated topics.

If she’s leaving things un read just leave it for a while and periodically check back in but please don’t expect updates.

I have a friend in a similar situation . We meet for walks and sometimes she talks about it, sometimes she doesn’t. When friends ask me about it I never reveal anything at all. It isn’t your place to pass information to others . If people ask, say you don’t know . Just be there for your friend in whatever way she wants you to be .