I dislike who ds has become after not getting football scholarship

DS2 probably wants to hit DS1 for being the better version of himself - as a footballer, and as an academic, sounds like you prefer DS1 too.

Poor kid no wonder he’s in self destruct mode! Can you spend time finding something DS2 is good at? Boost his confidence.

If DS 2 can't leave DS 1 alone then he has to be out of that room.

I know you said there isn't room but a single mattress in the living room or even the kitchen would be an option.

Yes it would be an absolute pain, but he can work on his attitude to allow him to move back in with his brother.

At 17 he can get a full time job as long as there is some training attached, so learning to make fries in McDonalds counts.

There is usually a housing option with something like the YMCA although that can be with a 'host' family.

The situation can't go on. You can't leave ds1 and ds2 sharing a room all summer if ds1 is incapacitated. What an awful situation to be forced to share a room with someone who acts like they hate you.

I'd move ds3 in with ds1 and put ds2 in his own room.

Ds2 sounds very unhappy and sound like he has been for a while. I'd look into some substance use support and counselling for him.

Scrap A levels, he needs something else to focus on that he isn't currently failing at . Different college and course type for a fresh start in September? Or a job for a year whilst he decides next steps?

Stick to your boundaries about not giving money and a new phone unless he earns it by doing jobs for you.

Is there a way you can take him out, just you and and him, away from the house and his siblings and let him know he does have options but he needs to nake changes and stop fighting against everyone and everything.

Commend DS1 on getting his scholarship. Hope that goes well.

I would put DS2 in the smallest room. I would also demand no drinking nor drugs. And that he had to find a job, a training apprenticeship or go back to school.

DS1 is trustworthy enough to share a room with DS3 so that is where I would put him.

If you suspect DS2 has weed in the house, call the cops.

You really have to mean business.
Your second son is wallowing in self pity.
He should be cheering his brother on at his sport and training harder to try to make the team.
Your first son will be fine.

At 17 and not in education,I think that it is reasonable to instigate a rule where he works 30hours a week if he wants to live in your house. That can be one rule for both kids, and that will apply to the younger ones when they approach adulthood.

The work he can do is:

Get a job
Get some sort of education/college placement/apprenticeship
Do housework
Look after younger siblings
DIY/gardening etc to make the house nicer

If he does his 30 hours willingly with no fuss he’ll also get gym/phone/pocket money paid (if not earning).

Also I wonder do you have a basement or a loft or garage that could be changed to another bedroom. Do you have room in the garden for a caravan.?

Are there any colleges in your area that do a sports based course for your son.? It sounds like he needs something to focus on or one possibility is to consider training to be a physiotherapist so he could help people like footballers.

Do you have a job OP? Sounds really difficult anyway but if you have a job too awful. You need outside support.

You don’t want to resolve this OP. It sounds incredibly difficult but you are putting up barriers whenever anyone makes a suggestion that will help.

this child needs support and guidance. His self esteem has crashed and everything he thought was going to happen has gone wrong.

move 13 year old in with DS1. A 13 year old and 16 year old can share.. DS2 can have the box room. He needs live support and guidance. You need to find a new college/school which will take him for resits in September and you need to get him back on track.

it won’t be easy but it’s your role as a parent to try. Don’t abandon him. Stop putting up obstacles because the route is hard. It will be hard but that’s parenting. He’s hurting and you need to help him.

It would be useful to know how many kids you have and whether their dad is involved in their lives. At times when I’ve found communication is not working between DS18 and me, DH takes him for a drive or to the pub and can get him to open up.

My best friend has twin girls who are grown up now and I think she’s done a fantastic job with them. Similar to you she had one who was the higher achiever but there was never any major jealousy. Their parents worked really hard on encouraging them to be their own person. They also were careful not to be boastful about the accomplishments of one DD. They definitely celebrated her achievements but didn’t go overboard.

All of that has proven helpful because as the girls have grown up, the one who ‘won’ at everything has had some setbacks. She missed out on the job she wanted after Uni and has had to make some career compromises while her sibling was recruited by her first choice and is excelling. And the less successful twin has a lovely bf and looks set to be engaged soon while her sister hasn’t had any luck with men.

Your DS1 has chosen a very difficult path in life. Very few young footballers make it professionally. And if he’s never had a major setback it could hit him hard. Meanwhile your DS2 once he sorts himself out will have learned resilience which will stand him in good stead in the future. The message he needs to hear now is to start leading his own life rather than just trying to copy his brother. You have to have patience with him and keep telling him that you are not going to give up on him. And meanwhile make sure your other DS stays humble and has a plan B.

So there is a baby at home as well or did I misread? Where is the twins dad or is there a step dad or partner in the mix?

Yes i agree. Scholarship twin and younger child together in large room to share and get peace. I dont think any decent person would want to share with a drugs and drink, unemployed or no education person wuth scummy behaviour.- put horrible son in the small room on his own.
Tell him to be back by 10pm and door will be locked from then. Put a tent and sleeping bag in garden so he has somewhere to sleep if he is late. If he kicks off because hes late dont engage, call the police.

You need to find out if there are any employability programmes for 16-24 year olds in your area. There should be as far as im aware. Like a 12 week confidence and skills programme into education or a job. Sign him up and if he doesnt go then find out if theres local youth homeless accomodation and make plans for him to move there, whether you pack his stuff one day, leave it outside and give the details of where to go.

Or continue as you are, make no changes and everyone will be miserable and disrupted lifestyles because you continue the status quo.

Sounds like ds2 need his own space a bit more than anyone else does right now, so I would move ds3 into ds1s room, and let ds2 have his own room.

Most kids who fail to get a much wanted scholarship don't have to live in the same house as someone who did get in. That must be incredibly hard for him.

I would see giving him his own room as the consolation prize for that, rather than a reward for bad behaviour.

@DeftGoldHedgehog “why are they in the same room?”
If the op lives in a 3 bed house there aren’t that many other options! Extra rooms cannot be magically summoned.
The 13yo is in the smallest bedroom, the 17yos share. The fact “they aren’t five” is irrelevant if there are no other bedroom options.

Why is he allowed to go out at all hours and disturb the household? You are still a parent and are allowed to set rules and even tell him to stay home.

This. And why are they in the same room? They aren't five. Sounds like they are being treated as two halves of the same person constantly pitted against one another rather than two individuals allowed to develop their own tastes and choices. There is a long way between dropping out of college, not getting a football scholarship and his life being "in the bin", but he really needs help to develop individually and find the right thing for him.

I’d take him out perhaps to a pub or just in the car and say picture yourself at 40. Do you want to look in the mirror and say my brother got a scholarship at 17 so I chose to throw my life in the bin? You need to get a grip and grow up. We have a week to come up with a plan. Think hard. It’s going to be hard to have a good future without study and you’re a bright boy who can do it easily, but if you prefer sitting on your butt smoking weed you won’t. You need to think about who you want to be, I’m sure it’s not this person.

How many kids in the household?
Where is dad and what is he doing?
Where is DS getting drug money from?

Where is his dad in all this?

This sounds very difficult @neostone

You mention he has no money… but smokes a lot of weed. Where is he getting the funds to do that?

He sounds like he’s quite bright. What has happened to make him check out?

How many DC are there in the house?

OK, so DS2 has lost his way, basically, Sounds like you have some good raw material in him to work with. It sounds to me as if not getting a football scholarship, especially when his twin did, completely wrecked his confidence in his ability to achieve anything, and challenged his sense of himself. And then he didn't do well in his GCSEs, so badly that he couldn't go on to do A-levels. Then came the bad behaviour. Basically it sounds to me as if he spiralled after not getting the scholarship.

The first thing he needs to do is re-take his GCSEs. Not sure if he will need to re-take all, but he will need to re-take whatever he needs to do in order to get through to A-levels. Many further education colleges have one-year re-sit GCSEs programmes for those needing to improve their grades.

DS2 has completely lost his way imo, and he needs support to get back on track.

If you can afford it, some counselling around his feelings about the scholarship would probably help. They will give him some tools to be able to manage failure and not spiral.

I think people who experience early failure often go on to do really well. Walt Disney was fired from a newspaper for lack of ideas!

Anyway, you and DS2 need to look into getting him enrolled for GCSE retakes in September asap. Maybe he can do them at his old school.

Best of luck xxx

Edit: Just read your update about his reaction to retakes. Can you reason with him? Gently point out that his life options are going to be really limited without GCSEs?

‘Isn’t anything I can do’ is a really poor attitude to have.

He's 16, for heaven's sake.

I totally agree. This isn’t about punishing or rewarding your ds. He’s out of control, smoking weed. And none of your dcs should be made to share with him, including his twin.

His behaviour does need addressing of course. And giving your ds1 a better situation will hopefully give you some space to start tackling that.