Rude Dd answering back

I'm sorry what? The silent treatment? Are you kidding? That's a standard acknowledged emotional abusive tactic.

Unless what you're meaning is saying something like "We're both really angry right now, let's pause this and get some space and come back to talk about it when we're more calm" and then stop engaging in the argument, while also continuing to exist like a basically good human being and mother - not dening your child's existence, not trying to manipulate them, not using their love for you as a weapon...

It’s rhe same on them all. There is always posters cropping up salivating over punishing kids. Someone’s even said she has to be scared of her mother, to threaten to medicate her, some one else wants her dragged.

there are some really warped child abusers haunt this forum,

There's a lot of parents on here who appear to have easy children but think it's their superior parenting.

I have one of each children (an 'easy' child and an SEN child). The rules that work for easy kids (no TV for a week or so, removal of treats) don't even touch the sides with SEN child

And yes, connection before correction. Once a child is overwhelmed and feels bad about what they've done then it's hard to improve things. This was one of the very few useful things I got from a parenting course for violent children.

Indeed.
Especially cleaning the toilet.
Almost treating the DD like a prison inmate.

Terrible advice !

Watch super nanny!

She’s an 8 year old who needs support to learn strategies that help her to control anger and frustration. It’s just a skill she hasn’t mastered yet. You wouldn’t get angry with someone who couldn’t ride a bike or tell the time.

What happens in the lead up to these outbursts? Use her warning signals to offer outlets. Help her name her feelings. Model impulse control and healthy coping mechanisms. Eg. ‘I can tell we’re both getting frustrated by this conversation, I’m going to stomp around the garden for a bit. We can try to find a compromise when we both feel calmer’.

My sister got her period at 8. It’s not considered out of the norm.

How is physically dragging your child acceptable??? Some parents on this thread are nuts. Just because you don’t use a belt, it doesn’t mean your methods are not abusive. If a grown woman was dragged by her partner to another room, how would you feel about it?

My mom who’s almost 70 years old still remembers and does tell me from to time how her mother gave her the silent treatment for days when she was little (my grandma was an orphan herself, so she didn’t really have a mother figure). All it taught my mom was to not do this to her own children. She’s never been close with her own mother.

So she gets frustrated and expresses that with shouting and answering back.

So you get frustrated and express that by being angry and shouting at her and answering back.

Wow I wonder where she is learning to process and express her emotions like that from. Could it be the example you are setting? Maybe you could learn another way of dealing with anger and frustration and model that to her to influence how she expresses her emotions.

the only one id advocate is silent treatment, because otherwise how else are you ment to make it clear they were wrong, eg oh dear dasiy dont do that, etc

the problem is most methods are ineffective, because generally they are not likely to realise they were naughty instead they will likely hate you more because you do x as punishment

And in this instance mean the same thing..

I find some of the punishments advised on these sort of threads very creepy. Almost like some posters enjoy punishing children.

Yes some bizarre and unsettling posts on this thread.

I agree with this. Ignore her. Let her scream. She'll tire out eventually. Then take away a privilege. Toys, telly, friend over. Make her clean the toilet. The most important thing imo is to be consistent. You are the adult. She should not be able to control you.

No wonder there are so many abusive adults around when you see the level of abuse it is apparently acceptable to use with a child:

• drag her by her arm - if this was an adult, that is assault.
• silent treatment for days - again, as multiple posts on abusive relationships show, that isn't acceptable to do to an adult.
• make sure she's scared of you so she doesn't dare express emotions.

This isn't parenting, this is revenge and it is abusive - and before someone comes along and says that's offensive to kids who were abused - I was abused by my parents and yes that included being hit, but also dragged around physically, ignored and terrified - they were every bit as bad as being hit, worse tbh as they happened much more frequently.

This is a small child struggling to regulate and deal with strong and sudden emotions - you learn how to do that by having parents who model sensible behaviour and who communicate.

All you learn from abusive, vengeful parents is avoidance, which is not at all the same thing.

Mine does this a bit (5 y/o). I'm happy with my approach with consequences, etc. However, I do notice it's more when she's tired, hungry etc. I managed to catch her in advance of one of her outbursts the other day and say something like "it's times like this that you sometimes are tired and cross and then shout at mummy and it's not good for either of us. Let's just focus on getting you home so you can have some time to play" etc. etc. anyway, it definitely helped! So I am in agreement with everyone who says it's unacceptable for her to talk to you like that etc and dealing with it with all the useful advice above, but keeping an eye on preventing them as well probs also worth some effort!

This is exactly what we need to do with DS14. He's Audhd & still has big emotions. As little language as possible, leave him to it to calm, & 99% of the time he calms quite quickly. He always sincerely apologises. Zero demands/ questions, same after school.

The only time we've had real issues has been when someone is trying to reason/ ask/ demand. It's been a long, hard road (he has PDA traits), but we do think we've cracked it now & he's more aware of his emotions/reactions.

I know he has ASN, op, but the theory is the same. I don't think this is avoiding behaviour/ consequences, it's managing the behaviour effectively. We tried every method going- including removing privileges/ sending to room/ being very strict & it worked against us.

We have 2 older DC & we approached their behaviour much more traditionally, & it worked for them, but as you know they're all different.

I'm presently leaving him to it as he's in a mood about a Fortnite issue; he'll come out of his funk later. I'm in the garden in the sun, so all good.

Good luck.

what if instead of engaging you give her the slient treatment ?

Hi OP this sounds tough, I went through this with my oldest at a similar age. This is what I used to do. Not engage at all with the shouting, banging around etc. I’d just walk away or stay present but just sit calmly and quietly. Once he’d finished, I would calmly say I understand you are angry, but you need to go to your room now and we’ll talk about this more when you’re ready to apologise for the way you’ve just spoken to me. If he tried to fight back at that point I wouldn’t engage - I’d just walk away and start making the dinner or something.

when he was ready to apologise we’d have a talk (again) about how everyone feels angry and that’s ok, but it’s not ok to be rude to people, whether that’s me, a teacher, friends parent etc. There would always be a consequence - not going swimming later as planned, play date the next day cancelled, no time on the Nintendo switch that evening etc. and you have to be willing to follow though or you’ve got no hope of it sticking!

And what happens when you have tried?

I worked with an educational psychologist many years ago who said that when you are trying to change behavior expect it to get worse before it gets better - but persist.

I would also suggest that you have a sit down with her and give her the “ enough is enough” talk. Tell her the consequences of her behavior and follow it through no matter what.

I also like to keep a record of how many times the behavior happens and what you did/the outcome. If she has a tantrum in her time out place that is up to her. Her behavior was not acceptable. She has to take the consequences. When she calms down she rejoins the family. It will be hard for you but the end result will be worth it.

Any psychiatrist would very quickly see that the issue in your particular scenario is the abusive parenting. Medication is regulated in the UK, not handed out like sweeties to abusive parents.

There is a few posters on here op who pop up in these threads almost salivating at the thought of a child being punished, it’s really disturbing. They want you to punish hard then tell them whay you did and how much pain and misery you caused her,

the first thing is you need to remain calm youself. You can’t fire back. I know it’s hard but you lose the moral high ground.

you need to talk to her, and explain why it is unacceptable and the consequences for next time, that can be a quite time out, through to missing something if very bad. As she’s escalating just quietly remind her of the consequences, then walk away.

You've replied to me rather than the person I quoted, so not sure if they will be notified of your response...
But for what it's worth...I agree!!