Holidays with grandparents

I ignore any and all passive aggressive neediness from my mother. I would never ever go on holiday with her or my father (they are still together), or my PILs. Can’t think of anything worse tbh.

Be a bit passive aggressive back 'oh my friend has just had a lovely trip with her parents. Her parents paid for everything as a treat isn't that lovely!'

She should certainly be paying for herself if joining you and everyone else if able to imo.

Likewise we can only afford one holiday and we go as our own family, nothing else has ever been suggested, but my SIL was a single mum and my MIL and FIL used to take her and our nephew away every year when he was little, but they were working and earning then, they are retired now and watching their pennies more, not that I would want them to pay for us, prefer us to have our own family time on holiday

Hey OP.
I think you're lovely to be so sensitive to your mum's vibes and I can hear you're a bit torn as a result. You could have just been blunt and defensive but that hasn't been your way.

That said, I don't think family life is easy for most people these days and you are right to prioritise what your immediate family wants and needs for that valuable one week away per year. I am sure there are other ways to show your mum she is special and you value her but you're allowed to say: 'for the 1 week a year we can afford, we just want to chill in our own space, mum. Let's do xx when we come back with you'

I'd gently bat off the comparison game your mum seems to be affected by with ' I guess all families are different and if we could afford 2 holidays like some, I guess we could think about options'. Good luck :)

Oh..my kids would not recognise my mother if they met her in the street. She’s never met my grandson

Holiday with grandparents…never. Holidayed once with my parents but left the boys at home . With their other grandparents . 10 days. Of hell.never again. In fact, I didn’t speak to them for the next 11 years , and barely speak now 50 years later

I should add that we didn’t live near family so going away or staying at their house )near the sea) meant time together, my adult dc are still close to their grandparents and go as often as then can to see them without my input

We do quite a few togther. We enjoy each other’s company, but also due to shared interests (skiing, which benefits from ‘extra hands’ for the DC and where it’s nice to have a variety of skill and energy levels). Also as my DM is widowed and whilst she has friends she does holidays with and will holiday alone, it’s particularly nice to go together.

With in-laws everyone pays their own (DMIL did treat everyone the villa for her 60th) but my DM tends to offer to pay for everyone more as she can easily afford to and likes to. We do also do trips where we split costs with her.

I enjoy it but it’s also nice to be just the four of us (and very occasionally the two of us!) sometimes

I did some years, my parents usually paid. She wants to do it again (kids adults and left home) but we’ve said only if it’s ai or a cruise to save the headache of meals (I want to eat out, mum wants to cook, fine except it’s mundane food I don’t even eat at home)

You’re perfectly within your rights to enjoy a family holiday without dm - especially when she is immature enough to ‘create an atmosphere’ because you’re going on a trip.

You sound like you’re getting quite a lot of guilt from your mum and are perhaps a bit enmeshed, maybe explore this a bit - she’s not sounding lovely in these posts.

Plus I suspect the friends she mentions who are going with their kids are either a) paying or b) a joy to have around not guilt-trippy moaners.

No we never did it op as she expect it every year so no. I feel we want our own time when we go away

We have a weekend away with inlaws each year. They pay.

We take my Dad on holiday with us (usually to the Algarve) and it's great - we pay for the accommodation, car hire etc. and he pays for flights and then the odd meal out, drinks etc. If he couldn't afford it, we would pay for everything as it's so lovely spending time with him and the holiday would be nowhere near as good if he wasn't with us!

He adores his grandchildren and watching them spend time together really is the best thing! He goes golfing with my husband one day, and then babysits for us one evening so we can go for a meal out. We live 4 hours from him at home so it's nice to spend so much time with him that we wouldn't usually be able to.

He goes on several other holidays in the year as he's semi-retired now and so do we, so maybe that's the difference. He's also very fit and active for his age and is more than happy to be in the pool with the grandchildren, so again I think maybe a different dynamic to those with less able parents.

I know plenty of people who do holiday with the grandparents, I’ve no idea if they pay or not though. When I was a child our grandparents came on holiday with us a lot too.
I am yet to do it, simply because I do think it changes the dynamics and my partner works a lot so it is important for us to spend quality time together as a family when we can. I’m not against the idea though and we will probably do it at some point. I wouldn’t expect them to pay though!

If your mum wants to go away with you and the kids, could she book an airbnb in the UK? Or you could day trips together to the seaside? Just thinking of other options if she wants to spend more time togehter.
I will say that my parents usually take us somewhere once a year (either a house in the UK by the beach or they have taken us abroad before also). They are very generous and we are very lucky to have them. I will also say we end up paying for dinners etc. when away as a sort of thank you to them. We also go away without them once a year.

We’ve done it twice, they paid. Certainly wouldn’t do it yearly and especially not if only holiday. Is your mum alone? Does she go on holiday by herself? Next time she mentions it maybe comment ‘that sounds lovely mum but I’m not sure I could afford two holidays this year’

We were in a position to have a few holidays each year when kids were younger, we'd do a weekend at Haven or similar and invite my in-laws all paying for own caravan. We do a week abroad and and invite my parents ( they pay for their room, we'd pay for ours) and we'd get a third holiday just the 4 of us - this might be another cheap week aboard or Centre Parks.

My parents were very hands on so would take DC for a walk in buggy for a nap, would be in the swimming pool, would be dancing at kids disco so it was really good to have two extra pairs of hands.

In laws wanted time with us but without being hands on.

If we couldn't afford all 3 trips one year we'd just have one holiday and invite both sets of GPs (paying for their own).

We wanted DC to have and still have very close relationships with GC. My DM is taking DD away in school holidays, just the two of them later this year and DD is almost 18.

It’s better to let people pay for themselves so you can have the means to save yourself.

I would love to but my dad doesn't travel anymore (age). I refuse to travel with DP's mum because she's a miserable cow bag.

I couldn’t think of anything worse. I know people who do for the childcare but I’d honestly rather not go on holiday.

Grand parent holidays blindsided me after I had my DC. I spend more time than ever imagined avoiding them. It wasn’t a thing when I was a child but seems to be now, I literally hate it. MIL is the worst for it, every meet up I have to be prepared to bat off a suggested time for a holiday with them. I am ND and need my own space so when we have gone anywhere with them I’ve become very exhausted and burnt out to the point it’s made me ill. MIL is very attention hungry. But at the same time I feel sorry for her because she’s lonely and I try to compromise once in a while. Grand parent jealousy is also a thing I wasn’t prepared for, what you do for one set of parents has to be reciprocated for the other 😵‍💫

No grandparents on my side anymore - we've been away with other members of my family and everyone paid for themselves, for pretty much everything. We've stayed with one of my relatives who lives in Spain a few times, we pay for a hire car and for activities/ stuff we do whilst there, and meals out which we of course invite her to, but she'll do a lovely big food shop ahead our arrival and likes to treat DD to things too.

We've been away with DH's parents a few times. They book the same (UK) holiday home every year for 2-3 weeks. We've joined for a week before, and DH took DD once for a few nights when I had other commitments. In-laws paid for the house, didn't want a contribution, we paid for our own food/ took them for a meal and bought a takeaway one night. We tend to book the nearby Haven now for DH, DD and I, and in-laws will book the house for a time that crosses over - not because there was any issue when we all stayed together, in fact I'd love to go back to the house, but the Haven works well for DD with swimming pool, disco etc. Then we'll meet up for doing some joint days out etc.

We also went abroad last year to meet up with DH's brother, SIL and nephew - they live on the other side of the world and we met in a midway country. Everyone paid own flights/ accomodation, but MIL and FIL kindly paid for most of the days out/ activities/ tours we did plus the one evening meal we were all together (generally they preferred to be with us in the day and go back for some peace in the evening!).

It all depends on the dynamics and personalities involved. Happy to go away with my DH’s Dad and Step Mum as they are get up and go types. Up for anything and love seeking out good restaurants. They don’t faff about and you know you will leave your accommodation at a good time. My DH’s Mum and step Dad on the other hand. No way! They faff, are slow coaches, drag their heels kind of people. It would be midday before we’re on the go anywhere. He’s a moaner and can be pretty spiteful. She’s lovely but needs a kick up the bum.
My Family - no way Jose. Control freaks who would tell you what to do all the time

All of my son's big holidays have been with grandparents. The only things we have done on our own have been small weekend road trips and stop-overs on the way to holiday's with grandparents..

But then we live long flights away from both sets of his grandparents, so being able to see both sets pretty much exhaustes our time and ability to travel each year.

It's fine, we all get on, my son has lovely holidays with a big family around him, and he has a close relationship with his grandparents.

My (at the time) single sister holidayed with us once. She is a very fun auntie so naturally the children wanted to spend time doing all the fun things with her. But that left us with all the parenting without the fun parts that balance it out, when we’ve paid to take our children on holiday. So decided in future more enjoyment is got from holidaying on our own!