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AIBU?

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Original poster

WIBU about paid work responsibilities?

40 replies

stripytigerz · 21/07/2026 09:56

I’m not quite sure what the answer is to this as I think probably neither of us are being that unreasonable.

I am early 40s and DH is early 50s. We have one DC, aged 5. I work in a stressful professional job 3 days a week. I do all the mental load of DC, and the majority of school runs etc. DH works FT hours also in a stressful environment. In addition, he picks up additional paid overtime. This means that he is rarely around in the evenings, leaving house and DC to me.

This did cause some resentment earlier on as I felt unsupported at home and I felt my career was suffering further as I couldn’t commit to out of hours BD etc, which is important in my profession. Equally, DH felt resentful as he felt he was shouldering the financial responsibility of the family. Just to note, I earn about 40% of our household income. If DH dropped the overtime, it would be more like 50/50.

The overtime money is definitely helpful but I do think we would manage day to day without it. We have not debt and decent savings. Some months we don’t save if we have particularly high outgoings but most months we can save £500 upwards. So, DH overtime is basically funding this. It then pays for holidays etc.

So I think that’s the context in a nutshell.

The issue is DH has been putting me under pressure to increase my working days for some time now, but fundamentally I don’t think I would cope with it. I have the usual struggle of high pressured, stressful job, mental load, peri etc. I genuinely feel constantly on the brink of burnout. It’s day to day keeping me head above water. I don’t believe that ultimately DH would share the mental load in a way that it would reset the balance. Also, there has to be a business need for me to increase my hours and I don’t believe my firm would agree to it at the moment anyway. DH dismisses this. It would also make things so much harder in school holidays etc.

Ultimately I am sure DH is tired too and would like to reduce his hours. However overtime has always been his choice and he gets antsy if he thinks it’s not available. He makes out I’m overworking him by refusing to increase my hours.

Discussions around this always seem to end in an argument and I’m not sure where to go from here.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/07/2026 14:48

Also will an increase in wages let you outsource anything? Even a couple of hours clean every 2 weeks

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/07/2026 14:47

Why does childcare fall to you at the weekend? Is that when his overtime is? Or is he just opting out?

I do think it's sensible to arrange finances so you can save something - things tend to all happen at the same time and it's sensible to have enough money aside if you can so that you can get a new boiler and a car repair in the same month etc. So I can see why he feels that he needs overtime, however I can also see why you feel like he wouldn't step up at home, especially if he isn't stepping up when he could already.

I think I'd sit down and work out what things would look like if you went up to 4 days. What specific tasks would he take on? What mental load stuff would he organise (eg child hair cuts, meal planning). Agree to give it a 4-6 weeks trial where you work as though you were working 4 days and he takes on more in the home and then discuss how you both found it.

Wingwalk · 27/07/2026 14:41

stripytigerz · 21/07/2026 13:50

Thanks @Thingcanonlygetbetter

I take your point about getting in a better place mentally, but honestly I don’t really know where to start.

I acknowledge I have these “2 days” a week but in reality it’s 9am to 3pm, and those hours just fly by. By the time I get a shop and some chores done, it’s time to think about doing the school run. The rest of the time I am absolutely “on”. DC doesn’t much like sleep so bedtime can be really late. As I say, pretty much all childcare is down to me the rest of the time, including weekends.

I also to a bit of catch up work on one of those days off. This is another point of dispute because DH says I “may as well get paid” for this extra work. But it’s not how my industry works. I have my own workload and I just have to get it done. If I increase my hours, it won’t just pay me for this additional time that I’m already doing. My workload will increase, which means it will eat into my one day off which will then have a knock on effect on chores etc. when I was FT, I worked late and weekends. DH forgets this.

As I say, I don’t think it’s likely he’ll take enough off my plate to help me manage the increased workload.

There are problems between us but I don’t see a resolution to that either. I think we’re both feeling hard done by.

9am - 3pm twice a week is a reasonably long time, although I get that some of it is taken up with unpaid work and I totally see what you mean about increasing contracted hours wouldn't mean you get paid for it.
Can't you do an online shop the night before, do your chores while waiting for the delivery and save yourself a few hours and a trip out?

That is always my first time saving change when my work gets v busy.

Ultimately though I think DH needs to drop overtime and perhaps you need to sit down and agree what will take the hit financially if he does. I don't think you should agree to work more if you're doing more at home already (and your PT role brings in as much as his FT one)

Stressedoutmummyof3 · 27/07/2026 14:36

Your husband sounds ridiculous. He wants you to up your hours so he can reduce his but he can do that by just not doing overtime. Yet he gets annoyed if there's no overtime. What does he actually want?
Think I'd just say if you want more time off stop doing overtime. There is no need for me to increase my hours as we can cope if we both just work our set hours. Remember if I am working you will have to do 50% of the housework and 50% childcare. Let's decide what days you are going to do pick up/bedtime/cook tea. He'll probably change his mind if he sees you are totally serious about splitting everything equally.
If you know he's not going to step up at home then don't do more hours.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 27/07/2026 14:30

Can you trial some things before you commit - ie DH does the weekly shop on a weekend so its one thing off your list? Would test that he is being serious about sharing loads outside work.

if you do move to four days a week, could you use pre and after school so that you get a ‘proper day’.

Original poster
stripytigerz · 27/07/2026 14:22

Thanks all. This is one of the main issues - I have said I need to see DH taking some of the load off me before I can commit to increasing my hours. DH says I need to be working more to allow him to reduce his hours before he can start sharing the load. We just go round in circles.

Ultimately, I don’t trust that he will. I fear I’ll still be juggling all the childcare mental load whilst doing even more in an already stressful job.

OP posts:
SereneFinch · 27/07/2026 14:15

Have you asked him what he intends to do with regard to his share of housework, childcare and mental load if you work more?

For example, he could be responsible for the laundry and 70% cooking while you are responsible for the other 30% cooking, food shop, cleaning and school runs?

See how he responds.

Teacaketravesty · 27/07/2026 14:14

It sounds like you’d be less burnt out if you did paid work 5dpw and he did no O/T and half the child stuff. I’ve not been in your situation but I’ve worked part time and alongside PTers when FT, and it’s often more intense, busy mums (typically) fighting to be professionally respected/justify not working all the days. It would likely be better for your whole family if your husband stopped ducking out his fair share of parenting, especially now your child’s getting older (I do think little kids need their mums more & older kids need their dads more, but I think that’s a minority opinion. Anyway, you need more support from him in raising your shared child.)

UncharteredWaters · 27/07/2026 14:11

He can demonstrate how he will ‘step up’ with the mental load and the childcare over the summer, in anticipation that you would increase your hours.

when he doesn’t then that’s the matter ended.

NoSausage · 27/07/2026 14:09

DH is right about the extra hours being unpaid though, you can't have it both ways.

NoSausage · 27/07/2026 14:07

Id be inclined to demonstrate what equal hours and childcare look like.

"DH, I hear your concerns and I'm happy to sit down woth you and work out what anni crease in hours looks like. I think we need to carve out about an hour to discuss home and childcare responibilities and how we will manage that. Let me know when you'd like to do that."

Make him make an appointment to discuss. I'd bet my right arm he will make vague noises about it "not being that difficult and you don't need to be so formal". Which in reality means he has no interest beyond him working less hours and you doing more.

Original poster
stripytigerz · 27/07/2026 14:02

Just a hopefully bump

OP posts:
Original poster
stripytigerz · 21/07/2026 13:51

I am also seeing the GP about my peri symptoms but obviously there’s no quick or magic cure for this. My sleep has been terrible and my anxiety is through the roof, so not helping with my resilience

OP posts:
Original poster
stripytigerz · 21/07/2026 13:50

Thanks @Thingcanonlygetbetter

I take your point about getting in a better place mentally, but honestly I don’t really know where to start.

I acknowledge I have these “2 days” a week but in reality it’s 9am to 3pm, and those hours just fly by. By the time I get a shop and some chores done, it’s time to think about doing the school run. The rest of the time I am absolutely “on”. DC doesn’t much like sleep so bedtime can be really late. As I say, pretty much all childcare is down to me the rest of the time, including weekends.

I also to a bit of catch up work on one of those days off. This is another point of dispute because DH says I “may as well get paid” for this extra work. But it’s not how my industry works. I have my own workload and I just have to get it done. If I increase my hours, it won’t just pay me for this additional time that I’m already doing. My workload will increase, which means it will eat into my one day off which will then have a knock on effect on chores etc. when I was FT, I worked late and weekends. DH forgets this.

As I say, I don’t think it’s likely he’ll take enough off my plate to help me manage the increased workload.

There are problems between us but I don’t see a resolution to that either. I think we’re both feeling hard done by.

OP posts:
Thingcanonlygetbetter · 21/07/2026 11:43

I think you need to get into a better place mentally if you feel you are burning out working three days a week. Do you have a massive commute, any opportunities to WFH? Really when your child is at full time school you will have two days for you. Well take one off for cleaning and groceries but that would leave you free for you on one day and your husband doesn’t get that. So I can see his point, but I can see your point that you are nearly matching his wages only working three days a week. Are you and your husband happy. I genuinely could not imagine my husband wanting me to work more if we had enough money in the first place.

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