Is this a "me problem"?

You're a toy. He picks you up, plays with you amd leaves when he's bored.

ive never experienced love like this before

You've never experienced love like this before because this isn’t love, it’s dependency, and he’s the drug. It’s like you make a huge effort to get clean during the breaks, then he comes back and you start using again. He encourages this because it suits him to have you helpless and at his beck and call again. He doesn’t love you - he knows how to manipulate you, to make you feel as though you can’t bear to lose what you have with him, whatever the cost. But what you have with him is a one-way street to disaster for you. He can say and do whatever he knows you need to keep you hooked, but he cares nothing for your well-being, only wants to be with you when it suits him, revels in how clever he is to keep all the plates spinning (there will be many other ‘plates’). No-one who loves you tells you you’re poison! Don’t fall for it all again.

The good bits sound addictive but this isn't love. Go back to where you were before he resurfaced and think about what you can do to get over him. Keep him blocked. The best way for me to get over someone I really wanted to go back to was online dating as a distraction. You are missing out on other relationship opportunities by focusing on him.

I've struggled with this the last few years. For me a good part of it is rejection sensitivity and I keep giving him chances because then it kind of proves to me that I've not been rejected. As well as limerence! The sex is amazing, I feel like I love him, things are 'right' when we are together.. but all the negative stuff... how can I actually be in love with someone who treats me like he does? Disappearing, objectifying, negging, telling me black is white... I know I'm not really in love with him. Its absolutely a me problem

Edit to say: I also feel like I can't move on because he is always in the back of my mind. I'm embarrassed to say that its been going on five years and its only just now that I feel like I can stop it completely 😳

He's just using you. Picking you up and dropping you whenever the mood takes him. You're worth way more than that.

Please just permanently block him. He's bad news and the relationship will never get any better. In fact it isn't a relationship at all really. Just you waiting around for him.

But you have the strength to say 'No. Fuck off. Stop wasting my time with your nonsense.' You'd be better off single for certain.

He's hitting you with a dopamine rush, love bombing and then retreating. Your brain is now in an addiction-like cycle. If you recognise it and see that its no good for you and is causing you unhappiness, you can break it. He sounds like a user and a prick. Good luck to you, stand up for yourself you are worth so much better than this, you are worth love, attention, stability, acceptance and happiness xx

He is using you for sex, nothing more nothing less. He doesn't want a relationship with you.

What do you want, are you happy just being used for sex

Yes - carry on but accept he will never change
No - tell him it no longer works for you and step away

It’s a you problem in that you need to permanently end this weird relationship or you will end up in a very bad state of mind. He’s emotionally abusing you. Highly suspect he’s got a few women on the go or he at least just gets off on controlling you. End it permanently. For your own sake. This is not love.

It sounds like this situation brings you more pain than joy

Its not love, its sex, hormones and confusion
End it properly and don't go back to him, he's wasting your time