Is this a "me problem"?

No way Jose. I mean someone who just comes and goes is one thing, but if he tells you all that rubbish about being unreasonable/ cancer / poison etc then he can really get lost. He’s NO GOOD.

@FrankensteinWithAScrewLoose you haven't wasted time at all. You have learned so much about yourself and that is never time wasted. Onwards, upwards and never look back.

Look up truma bond and narcissism on YouTube

Oh op. It’s oestrogen and oxytocin and other hormones making you feel like you want to be with him. It is harming you emotionally.

You have identified the problem and taken the first step by posting here. He has shown you who he is and now you need to act on that information. God forbid you should get pregnant to this selfish, manipulative, callous man.

Why are you allowing him to set the parameters of your relationship and make all of the decisions as to when you are together and when you are not? You are allowing him to treat you this way! Do you not have a voice and a choice?

Block him on every means of communication you have and every time you are tempted to get in touch say to yourself, would I be happy for my sister, friend, daughter, cousin, to be treated this way? If the answer is no then ask yourself why do you think you deserve it? Why are your standards for yourself so low? Why do you not deserve someone who really cares about you?

Role play what you would do and say if he happens to turn up again unexpectedly. Continue to build on your new life without him. Tell your friends and family and make the problem “real” to those around you, Arm yourself emotionally and practically so that you never see him again.

Maybe seek some support from a therapist or an honest trustworthy friend to help you explore this?

Good luck, be strong, you deserve so much better 💐

You talk as if you have no agency in this - he goes away, he's abusive, he comes back...and you just passively accept it.

It doesn't sound like love to me. Love is kindness, support, caring, fun - not abuse and picking you up and dropping you whenever he feels like it.

The only person who can change this is you. You make the decision that you won't accept this and you end it and block him. No calls, no messages and you don't answer the door to him. Then you make arrangements to see friends, go out, exercise, eat well and look after yourself. Spend time thinking about what you want out of life - you only have one and it's too precious to waste on this loser.

Ending it and going no contact seemed to be the right decision for you. Letting him back in wasn't, because none of the behaviour that caused the relationship to be unworkable before had been addressed, let alone fixed. Not even all couples who are madly in love with each other can make an ongoing relationship work, and this relationship is at a significant disadvantage to start with because he doesn't like you, is (according to you) abusive, treats you like crap, is unwilling to communicate honestly, and is all take and no give.

Next time, hard as it is, go "cold turkey" and stick with it no matter what. You need to break the old patterns, and his dropping back into your life whenever he feels like it for whatever reason disrupts that healing. Don't allow it. Go through the process. It's hard. It's supposed to be. But you will get over him. And then if you need some outside help for remembering not to get involved with people who take away significantly more from your life than they give and hurt you far more than they support you, see about getting it.

Intermittent reinforcement. A behaviour gets stronger when the reward for it is not consistent.

You think maybe the next time will be the time he stays, that things will be ok.

But he won't stay because he's not in love with you and the unreliability has you chasing those moments of warmth. He hurts you with silence and then relieves the hurt when he's there with you. Given there's at the least verbal abuse going on, you could be dealing with a trauma bond.

Some people like to play games and see people dance to their tune and he's one of those.

Therapy could help you disentangle this. But eventually you'll have to make the choice to walk away. You'll go through a withdrawal period like you do now when he disappears, but this time you don't respond or engage and the feelings fade.

I have been in a similar situation years ago. It’s going to be hard, but only you can do this. It’s almost like an addiction and traumatic bonding. You don’t realise so much when you’re in it. I recommend plenty of YouTube videos around the subject and self care , educate yourself. Let’s face it, you’re going to have to get out of it eventually. Is it around 5 times average it takes someone to leave an abusive/unhealthy relationship? I wish you all the best. I look back on it now and think what on earth was I doing. But you do learn from it and look out for the signs the next time around. Good luck

And a lot of nasty manipulation too. Are you sure he isn't married OP? Whatever, this is not love, it's awful. Just block with no comment, no messages, nothing. And don't see him again if he turns up. Really! End it.🌺

I have had a lot of therapy for other reasons and have spoken about him in it quite a lot (with mixed results with different therapists). I think the thing that has helped me most is reading into limerence, watching youtube videos about it. I know that my mental health is considerably worse when he is in my life, even in 'good' periods when he is acting okay - I'm subconsciously waiting for it to go wrong and it keeps me on edge. Now when he gets in touch with me I recognise that. I feel the anxiety creeping back in and I recognise that I don't want it

I think part of me feels that I don't have anything else romantic going on, so I might as well go along with whatever I have with him. But I know that he is what stops anything else going on

Basically just recognising and remembering and not letting myself get swept away in the 'relief' of him getting back in touch

Again, the reason you’ve never felt love like this before is because it isn’t love. There are usually lessons we haven’t learned when we get stuck in cycles like this and until those lessons are learned, we just keep getting trapped in the same cycles over and over. Work on your own confidence so that you don’t need to look to other people to feel complete. Get to know your own worth.

You're not a passenger in your own life OP.

You need to jump off the cliff without him, or stay on it forever feeling like he's going to push you off at any moment.

But ultimately you have to make a choice.

You are not experiencing love now. It is addiction - highs and lows. You need to block him forever and ask yourself why you are a willing participant in this. Forget his part entirely and go hard on yourself - why are you doing it to yourself.

OP, you're simply giving him all the control in this 'relationship' aren't you?

You're leaving it totally up to him whether you see or even hear from him instead of doing what YOU want to do.

Unless you take control of the situation, it's just going to continue forever, with him treating you as a booty call whenever he fancies it.

Only you can change that, by no longer replying to his calls/texts/emails and by refusing to allow him access to you to continue to abuse you?

You could also approach this from the perspective of, what would you say to your best friend/future daughter in this situation? Apply that kindness to yourself.

This. Is. Not. Love.

write a list what you want and keep it in your phone, make yourself look at it every time he tries to get back in contact so you stick to your resolve to end this.

eg if you want meaningless but fun sex, read that back to yourself and go on an app

eg if you want someone you can build a life with, read that back to yourself and put your energy into someone else

either way, for your own survival, you need to end this. Heck, just have a list saying you want peace of mind and self worth…no man is worth loosing that over.

Also meant to say that I have been through something like this, went on for a few years. It was only after blocking him and having therapy that I was able to see how it wasn't love, it was him using me to boost his self esteem, scattering breadcrumbs, love bombing, making me feel like this was a crazy, doomed, romantic love affair. I would never treat another person that way and I was embarrassed to admit that I'd been used like this. I now realise that he was a manipulator who picked me as I was emotionally damaged and vulnerable.

OMG, please remove yourself from this man @FrankensteinWithAScrewLoose . You have a choice here to walk away from someone who is making you confused, insecure and unhappy. No one who loves you would be making you feel so miserable. What you are experiencing is not love, not even close to it. He might say the word "love" but none of his actions are demonstrating love.

You have all the power and it is to cease to engage with him any further. You have control over your life - so seize it and choose to love yourself, respect yourself and put yourself first.

This is not a healthy relationship and the only way through this (for the sake of your wellbeing) is to block him and move on. He keeps coming back because when he does, you're there for him, giving him what he needs and when he's got what he needs he goes again. This 'relationship' is only benefitting him and it also sounds like he's abusive.
You deserve so much better than this, he's clearly got you to the point where your self esteem is low and he's taking advantage of you.
Please find some strength to end this for good and work on yourself. There are SO many more decent men out there that wouldn't treat you like this.

He is bad for you. End of. Stop trying to double think it and just look at the impact he is having on you. It is NOT GOOD. Get him out of your system. Tell him goodbye, this isn't working for you, block, move on.

This is not love.

Don't allow him back - he mistreats you.

It's cliche but the quote "we accept the love we think we deserve" comes to mind. You deserve so much better. Please block and delete this guy.