Husband's overtime pay - what's a fair split?

If I were your husband, I would look upon your chosen 4 days at home with envy. Whilst looking after a child and home is hard work, it's not work work and you are at liberty to do as you have chosen with your time. Money wise, all into one account and share, unless there's a reason for moving money away into separate savings accounts. Maybe offer for your husband to have the extra days off during week and you go back full time with additional overtime on top.

Most people see it as wrong as many women sacrifice pay rises and work opportunities when they take on more child care roles. I’ve worked part time for 10 years now and my DH who I’ve supported to work full time now earns 3 times as much as me and we’re in the same industry. The gender pay gap is alive and well in my industry which makes it even worse.

We’re going to flip it soon so he works part time and I build my career again and try and increase my own salary. If you’re playing the long game, keeping a few hours of overtime seems petty and spiteful if the other person’s earnings have taken a massive hit as a result of looking after the children for a number of years.

I think the issue the OP has is that she doesn't get that opportunity, she works less and the only way her partner can do the overtime is to have someone doing the childcare.

To me though if this is an issue (and is as transactional as it sounds) she would be better off saying she wants to go back to work full time and then pay for a nanny where the cost can then be put into their shared costs.

Yep us to. I couldn’t live with haggling over every penny.

Spot on . I just couldn’t be doing with all the keeping score .

I think the point is that he was only able to earn the overtime money because of op doing all the parenting so that he could go out and work.

Your posts are muddled , you start saying you work part time and had to take a hit, that your husband didn’t have to do that. Then you say actually it was your choice. So you didn’t have to do that?

for me, we should have equal spends, so we pay proportionally into a joint account then ensure we have the same amount left in our personal accounts for our own spends,

“These transactional relationships sound so joyless. I honestly don’t know how people put themselves through it.”

This. In our marriage everything is shared because we’re a team. This sort of thing sounds so petty.

For us, we would keep it ourselves. We keep any extra bonuses etc. I can't imagine someone doing overtime then the other person saying 'oh but I looked after our child for an extra 2 hours so I deserve some'. Feels a bit wrong to me but I see I'm in the minority.

Everything into one joint account, wages go in, mortgage and bills go out. Then you set up a standing order each month out to your own personal accounts for personal spends. Adjust the standing order now and again if it’s too much or too little.

Surely all money is family money and that’s it. If my DH tried to pocket money for overtime, I’d be charging time and a half for childcare. It’s so grabby.

We have a joint account and everything goes in there. But we each have a personal credit card and put all personal expenditures on there. Then we have a direct debit from the joint account to pay our cards in full each month. So completely fair but we also have privacy of our own expenditures… neither of us would dream of scrutinising each other’s credit card statements as we have similar financial values.

Obviously equal, you are married.

We earn differently (I am the higher earner but DH still works full time), I do on call 1 week a month he does 2 Saturdays a month in another department at work covering urgent assessment. Our overtime payments are just considered part of our income. I earn about 8k extra a year from mine in not keeping it for myself. Most of my on call can be done from home but every now and then I have to go in at 2am to deal with a major incident I couldn't do that if DH wasn't at home with ds , similarly he couldn't do his without me.
Alternatively can you go back to full time and he won't have to do overtime? Maybe that's creating resentment.

I voted YANBU, but I think if it wasn’t agreed that you went part time, the I am more on the fence here.

This all sounds very transactional, plus you say you have sacrificed your career but actually reading further you love spending time with your child so it's not really a hardship.

In our house all money is shared but neither of us are big earners (or big spenders, as we can't afford to be).

If you are going to base it all on finances though maybe consider going back to work yourself and then you can both split the cost of a nanny.

It sounds like you're paying the same as him (overtime excluded) despite only working 3 days to his 5?

If that's the case, he's pretty daft trying to keep more of his overtime for himself. If he wants to start dividing things unequally, then I'd certainly be reviewing why you provide 50% of the joint money (overtime excluded) while also providing 2 extra non working days for childcare/housework.

Either it's 50/50 or it's not. As the lower earner he's daft to start trying to make it 70/30. If he insists, id be looking at increasing my hours, and telling him he is now responsible for 50% of all childcare and housework, while you benefit from your extra earnings.

This. If you usually just pay all money into the joint account, regardless of how many hours of paid work you do, why is this any different? It's all just money for the family pot. If you decide that you're a bit more flush one month than usual, due to overtime, or any other reason, then you surely just agree to have a bit more for personal spends that month, in equal measure.

I really don't understand married couples with children who seem to have to divide up each penny, trying to work out who has put in the most effort. Unless one partner is a complete over spender, or is very lazy, you are both bringing something to the team, whether financial or unpaid work, and it all tends to work out fairly evenly in the end.

I'm so glad my DH and I don't run our finances like this. My DH recently took some of his private pension, and instead of him considering whether to retire, he told me that I should cut back on my work hours if I wanted to. It was very considerate, and I didn't, but he was more than happy for me to. Instead of trying to work out how much extra he should spend on himself each month,

I’m confused - you’re married with children - isn’t what his is yours and yours is his?

If everything is split 50/50 I don’t see why overtime should be any different. He can only do the overtime cos you’re around to be childcare.

Matyr syndrome.

Given you are financially comfortable - where you referenced above having lots in joint savings and investments- and earn similarly basic salary. Whats the need to split overtime to the £? Surely as a married couple it all evens out anyway?
Can you tell him to not do overtime as it bothers you that much? Is it a choice - in some jobs it’s on a rota to be on call.