Husband's overtime pay - what's a fair split?

I never understood splitting the money in families, surely its just one thing extra to put strain in the relationship?
Here the money all goes into one account, bills get paid, kids get sorted with any new stuff they need/ birthdays etc and whatever is left is just left, OH tends to spend more money than me, i don’t really want for much so it doesn’t bother me, i wouldn’t need/want half.
I think on the whole 50/50 70/30 should be based on what each person wants/needs out of that money not on petty i did this -you did that so i deserve this n you deserve that.
An example- if he just wanted to used it to buy a few extra pints and a meal out but you wanted to use it to buy a new sofa then new sofa wins and the lions share would go to your want/need imo and same the other way.

I mean not really, with the OT factored in - but op still has double the days off anyway

First response nails it, as often happens on here.

Why on WHY do people not have shared finances when they are married with children?

@Debatingthings You need to tell him that all your money AND his goes into a joint pot. This 'my money-your money' nonsense nearly ALWAYS screws women over and not men.

You're asleep, he is at WORK! then of course he needs to get some sleep when he gets back in. How many hours is he working per week including overtime?

“looking after a child… you are at liberty to do as you have chosen with your time”

haha, good one!

Also “4 days at home” is disingenuous - he gets 2 days at home by that rationale.

If everything goes into a shared pot so you have equal person all money, why is this different?

Personally, when you have DC to be cared for, I can't really see a way that works that isn't all shared money.

Don’t forget your pension contributions will have taken a hit with dropping your hours. His won’t.

When my DH or I get bonuses (which we don't always) they go into joint account and are split BUT if there's something we have wanted to buy for a while we often buy it out of our own bonus first.

I think it all needs to go in the joint point. He couldn’t do the overtime if you didn’t have the kids

Always 50/50.

My husband is working monday to friday this week and the weekend as overtime. He ran it past me as I'll have our child most of the weekend on my own or he wouldn't be able to do it. We are both putting in the effort for him to be able to earn more money. It'll go in the shared pot and we'll both benefit equally from it.

He used to early 4x my salary. I'm forever grateful he doesn't just keep it for himself and has always made sure we only pay our fair share of things based on our take home pay. I know women who have very little money because they went part time after having kids and their husbands still expect them to pay half of everything!

Honestly this is so bizarre. I can’t imagine checking if we both are spending exactly the same?! 😂 My DH works full time and earns £150K annually, I also work full time and earn 50K annually. He sometimes does weekend shifts, this means I do the lions share of all the chores and childcare as he just isn’t around. His salary goes into our joint account, once I get paid I move a fixed amount of money into our joint account for the bills. I keep something back for my ISA, birthday gifts for DH. He is fine with this. He also has his own personal account where he moves money from the joint account as necessary for investing, his ISA etc. We both spend what we want from the joint pot after bills. We have a joint savings account where I move money at the end of the month depending on how much is left. There is no my money/ your money. It is all our money because we are married and have two children. Can’t imagine being so petty to quibble over who spent what. I would rather be single than be with someone who didn’t want to share.

"If he insists, id be looking at increasing my hours, and telling him he is now responsible for 50% of all childcare and housework, while you benefit from your extra earnings."

Rftf op did not want to work the extra hours, and has literally said she felt "unable to".

If they both worked full time and paid the nursery fees etc long term the family would have been better off with probably higher salaries and better pensions.

That's not what she wanted, dropped 2 days, and is now presenting that choice as a sacrifice for the family / husbands worse paid career....

Wouldn’t cross my mind to have any of it.

I do get your point that you’ve dropped your working days but unless there’s no childcare available that was your choice.

Dh earned a lot more than me and worked away which meant I couldn’t work as a midwife as had no childcare for nights or weekends. I had to drop my hours and take a 9-5 job on less money. I didn’t think that entitled me to his bonus. But he did pay most of the bills.

While 50/50 sounds fair, I know the responses would be different if the genders were reversed. In that case the woman would be advised to keep all her overtime money to use incase her relationship failed.
So I think yes 50/50 is fair because you are covering everything at home but your husband may be keeping savings just incase. Why doesn't everything just stay in the joint account and whoever wants/needs money can use it? That's what we tend to do, unless it's a big purchase.

I actually agree with him. Yes you are facilitating it so without you he would have to pay for childcare, but you aren't actually doing the work so without him there would be no extra money at all.

I agree with you 100%.

I think it’s grabby af to even think about taking a cut of something he’s put in the graft for.

All money should be 50/50

He is able to do more overtime, as you step up and look after the children

Or go back to work full time, and jointly pay for childcare.

If you earn the same and your on less hours, that means you would earn more than him...would you get to keep that to yourself?

👏

This thread is wild to me.

OP chooses to reduce her working hours by 2 5ths to spend more time with child

Income has been split fairly

Now DH is doing a bit of OT to top up his money for something and op is looking a cut and wondering what % is fair

People are suggesting she charge him childcare, for her time in bed sleeping too

This is all nuts!

I've definitely done extra shifts from time to time to justify paying for something specific, I can't imagine DH saying nope 50% of that OT is mine so you need to do more shifts to pay for your thing

God, this is what family life comes down to now 😬

I suspect the DH us sorry he ever agreed to the OT!

I just wonder if maybe you’re holding the purse string a little bit tight, and he may be kicking back? It’s just what you said about being fairly comfortable, and spending quite little in comparison to savings and investments. Could your husband be craving a bit more freedom with spending, so is trying to do that with the overtime? Could be worth a conversation.

Hallelujah I'm with you!
I was earning literally a 1/3 of my partners wage but for bills etc we worked a fair split. He got a few k bonus and I didn't even think to question him keeping it. Usually any extra like that tends to go towards holidays though to be fair.

I’m going against the grain here but I keep my own overtime money to myself. It not loads and sometimes I might chuck a bit of money towards a take away or our holiday savings, but we’ve always had it that any overtime is mine to do what I like with. I don’t do it as frequently as your DH though, maybe that would make a difference.

Is it a marriage or a business arrangement? Very strange.

This response made me sad

This is what family life is like now?

Nope, I am with you.

We don’t even have a joint account - an absolute mortal sin in the eyes of Mumsnet but then this is second marriage for both of us, so it’s a bit different to first time around as there are other kids involved.

I always keep my bonus and always will! I have no idea what my DH spends his money on - as long as all our bills are paid, anything left is ours to do with as we wish.