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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband's overtime pay - what's a fair split?

264 replies

Debatingthings · 20/07/2026 21:29

My husband has been working overtime lately. Mostly late evening call outs.

He works 5 days a week and is usually out of the house from 8am-6pm ish. I work 3 days a week and am usually out of the house from 8:30am to 5pm.

I do nursery pick ups and drop offs on those days. I do most of the work getting our toddler ready in the mornings all weekdays. I also look after her on my two days off and do the majority of cleaning, cooking, laundry, food shopping, admin, and DIY in the house. He does garden maintenance.

When he does these call outs, he often misses the bedtime and/or sleeps in late the next day.

I have a professional job but dropped down to 3 days to care for our child, which I love and value, but ultimately have made career and financial sacrifices for this, which he has not had to make.

Our standard take home pay is roughly similar but he does usually bring home some extra money by way of end-of-day overtime each month, so his pay cheque is higher.

These late night call outs are new.

Out money is generally split equally i.e. everything paid into joint account then we have the same amount of personal spends each month.

What is a fair split of this late night call out overtime money? He has suggested 70/30. I don't want to be grabby but I feel he can only earn this extra money because I facilitate it. I sort of feel it should be 50/50, but... AIBU?

YABU = 70/30 or less
YANBU = 50/50

OP posts:
ChamonixMountainBum · 21/07/2026 08:41

I always find these kind of salami slicing the household finances converaations between adults in a supposedly committed relationship very odd. Surely everything just goes into the 'pot'. If your first instinct if you or your partner receives an extra amount of cash is how to divide it up I would say its a very unhealthy place to be.

Corinthiana · 21/07/2026 08:41

ChristmasCwtch · 21/07/2026 08:36

All money is family money. I don’t understand set ups where each person takes a different amount. Earnings are irrelevant, you’re a family unit.

Edited

I agree with this and just don't get it. A family should act as a unit. We've had a shared pot from day one. Over 40 years there has been various ups and downs work wise, and demands on the purse, like everyone.
I don't understand married couples, with children, who act like this.

Lexibletheflexible · 21/07/2026 08:39

Newpostnewnamenew · 21/07/2026 08:36

So why you think looking after children is free time to spend as you wish, I don’t know. Maybe you just stick them in front of screens and ignore all their needs.

Edited

A lot of us encourage our children to be able to entertain themselves and/or respect that we have duties to attend to that arent directly about interacting with them. We encourage our children to be okay with this from a young age because it is a good skill to have.

That doesnt mean putting them in front of a TV, in fact it means teaching them that sometimes you just need to sit and wonder about the world for a minute while I do the laundry.

Nonunifiedworkerworking · 21/07/2026 08:39

Newpostnewnamenew · 21/07/2026 08:36

So why you think looking after children is free time to spend as you wish, I don’t know. Maybe you just stick them in front of screens and ignore all their needs.

Edited

You are doing as you chose, to have children, it's not easy but looking after them should be cherished. No screens till much older, after 13

Ethelspagetti · 21/07/2026 08:36

Ra33it76 · 20/07/2026 21:31

Why isn't it going into the joint account?

Agreed. I’m married and all out money goes into one pot. Pensions and savings are taken out but the core of it stays there.

Newpostnewnamenew · 21/07/2026 08:36

Nonunifiedworkerworking · 21/07/2026 08:34

Yep got 4, also work full time.

So why you think looking after children is free time to spend as you wish, I don’t know. Maybe you just stick them in front of screens and ignore all their needs.

ChristmasCwtch · 21/07/2026 08:36

All money is family money. I don’t understand set ups where each person takes a different amount. Earnings are irrelevant, you’re a family unit.

SixAndJuliet · 21/07/2026 08:35

Why don’t you consider putting all the overtime money to one side and making it the holiday fund? That is what we would probably do.

Nonunifiedworkerworking · 21/07/2026 08:34

Newpostnewnamenew · 21/07/2026 08:31

Have you ever looked after a child? Do you really think it’s “free time” to spend as you wish?

Also she may have chosen it or they may have both wanted it. It’s also beneficial for him - his children are better cared for and it’s saving them both ££££ in child care.

Edited

Yep got 4, also work full time.

Debatingthings · 21/07/2026 08:34

For clarity, I haven't asked him to do this (or any) overtime, nor do we especially need the extra money as a family. I would be happy for him to work shorter hours (we can afford it) but he prefers not to

OP posts:
Newpostnewnamenew · 21/07/2026 08:31

Nonunifiedworkerworking · 21/07/2026 08:29

She has chosen to be at home with child 😊 so is at liberty doing as she wished. Agree he gets 2 days in theory but if you compare 50 hours plus overtime so let's say 60 hours a week to 25.5 hours a week, I know what I'd rather be doing.

Have you ever looked after a child? Do you really think it’s “free time” to spend as you wish?

Also she may have chosen it or they may have both wanted it. It’s also beneficial for him - his children are better cared for and it’s saving them both ££££ in child care.

Debatingthings · 21/07/2026 08:29

SummitWrong · 21/07/2026 08:27

Is everything in your relationship so transactional?

No, just this one new thing, which is why I'm unsure how I feel about it

OP posts:
Lexibletheflexible · 21/07/2026 08:29

Debatingthings · 21/07/2026 08:28

Yes, but then in the morning, he is asleep, and I am "working" looking after a toddler. Yes unpaid but still has value

Yes but youve already slept. At night. When humans are meant to sleep.

Honestly this reads like having a child is much more than you expected it to be and you're struggling. Are there more children on the cards for you 2?

Nonunifiedworkerworking · 21/07/2026 08:29

Newpostnewnamenew · 21/07/2026 08:12

“looking after a child… you are at liberty to do as you have chosen with your time”

haha, good one!

Also “4 days at home” is disingenuous - he gets 2 days at home by that rationale.

She has chosen to be at home with child 😊 so is at liberty doing as she wished. Agree he gets 2 days in theory but if you compare 50 hours plus overtime so let's say 60 hours a week to 25.5 hours a week, I know what I'd rather be doing.

Debatingthings · 21/07/2026 08:29

MotherOfCrocodiles · 21/07/2026 08:23

I would have said 50-50 as you are looking after the kids.

But on the other hand you mentioned you are out more often for social life. I think if you are actually having equal evenings out of the house but he is using his to earn money, he should get to keep it.

Yes I think I'm probably leaning towards this. If it is during time he would have for social/downtime i.e. not creating unfair burden for me, it's probably fair for him to keep it/the majority

OP posts:
rwalker · 21/07/2026 08:28

An easier way to work it out out of the shift he’s working 100%
you are in bed sleeping for a massive chunk of if it
so 70/30 does seem fair

tbh night time call-outs can be hard work your turning in for a shift after you’ve been up all day then your night sleep is disrupted you have a lie in and the following night sleep is out of sync
tbh if I were him after tax and parting with 50% if it
it’s not worth the effort I wouldn’t bother then you can both have 1/2 if nothing

Debatingthings · 21/07/2026 08:28

Lexibletheflexible · 21/07/2026 08:12

You're asleep, he is at WORK! then of course he needs to get some sleep when he gets back in. How many hours is he working per week including overtime?

Yes, but then in the morning, he is asleep, and I am "working" looking after a toddler. Yes unpaid but still has value

OP posts:
SummitWrong · 21/07/2026 08:27

Is everything in your relationship so transactional?

Debatingthings · 21/07/2026 08:26

Minnie798 · 21/07/2026 08:19

He must be working a lot of hours currently. Why is he doing that, with no debt except mortgage and plenty of savings/ investments. He must hardly be at home.I'd be suggesting to him that he focuses on a better work- life balance and drops the on calls.

He's a workaholic, I would be happy for him to work fewer hours

OP posts:
LightlyRoamingOcelots · 21/07/2026 08:25

It should be 50:50. You are a partnership. Every time he takes on overtime it knocks on to you having a more difficult time and more to do at home. It is not "his" money, it is money earned for the partnership and for the family.

Mum2Fergus · 21/07/2026 08:25

We work on one team-one pot basis - %ages don’t come into it.

Debatingthings · 21/07/2026 08:25

TheCurious0range · 21/07/2026 06:04

We earn differently (I am the higher earner but DH still works full time), I do on call 1 week a month he does 2 Saturdays a month in another department at work covering urgent assessment. Our overtime payments are just considered part of our income. I earn about 8k extra a year from mine in not keeping it for myself. Most of my on call can be done from home but every now and then I have to go in at 2am to deal with a major incident I couldn't do that if DH wasn't at home with ds , similarly he couldn't do his without me.
Alternatively can you go back to full time and he won't have to do overtime? Maybe that's creating resentment.

It could be, but I doubt it, as we aren't short of money. I wouldn't go back full time while DC young as the benefit would be low once you factor in childcare, higher rate tax, loss of child benefit, plus my DC would hate full time nursery

OP posts:
MotherOfCrocodiles · 21/07/2026 08:23

I would have said 50-50 as you are looking after the kids.

But on the other hand you mentioned you are out more often for social life. I think if you are actually having equal evenings out of the house but he is using his to earn money, he should get to keep it.

PurpleThistle7 · 21/07/2026 08:23

It doesn’t sound to me like you and your husband are communicating very well here. You have no idea if he wanted to drop his hours, you just decided for him. Who decided he was doing all this overtime and for what purpose? If you’re trying to save or go on holiday or pay the bills those are family decisions as surely there needs to be a reason to sacrifice family time for money - when he already works full time.

Honestly I think you need to sit down and agree on your financial priorities and goals and make a plan.

My husband and I don’t have splits - we have one account and everything goes into and out of the same place so we both know exactly where we are. In this scenario the extra money would just go into the same account and we’d decide what to do - a holiday or new windows or whatever. When his grandmother died he inherited a bit of money and we used it to pay off my school loans because our lives are shared.

Minnie798 · 21/07/2026 08:19

He must be working a lot of hours currently. Why is he doing that, with no debt except mortgage and plenty of savings/ investments. He must hardly be at home.I'd be suggesting to him that he focuses on a better work- life balance and drops the on calls.