Husband's overtime pay - what's a fair split?

Ok I just gave you my opinion. The OP is free to do whatever she thinks is best. I was a lone parent so my brain really cannot fathom there ever being another adult in the house that would do anything :))))

But surely 10 year of part-time work were a choice?

Unless there are extenuating circumstances, nothing seems to be stopping OP from working FT. I’d be seriously weirded out if a partner felt entitled by default to 50% of my overtime work, but I also appreciate every family’s arrangements are different.

I get a lunch hour and to wee in peace!

For most of us parenting properly, we go to work for a break!

To the people who are implying or clearly stating that childcare is easier than work: the husband is a “workaholic” who wants to work five days a week. The OP works but factors in how partial nursery childcare and partial home are better for her and the kids. It’s an obvious 50/50 to me. Without her, the DH couldn’t work as much or catch up on sleep or have happy kids. He is not that sociable so doesn’t want to go out as much socially- therefore he doesn’t do it.

edited for typo

I wouldn’t split the money from the overtime 50/50 or 70/30. I would look at our finances in aggregate and come up with a soft cap on the amount of monthly play money that you both have (which should be equal).

No need to have separate accounts. Keep an eye on bank statements and if one person is consistently spending above the agreed amount then have a chat about whether they should rein in their spending or whether the agreed cap should be increased. If either party if consistently spending less than the agreed cap then no problem, it just means you accumulate more savings as a family.

So that also needs addressing you should be paid the equivalent of a full time job in terms of pension - as you are already at a huge disadvantage. Your work at home is costing in so many different ways, and this needs to be pointed out to him as well.

He sounds awful actually. You are a family working very hard, everything should be shared if you want an equal (and happy) relationship. I couldn’t be dealing with a man like this. Wanting everything on his terms. It’s very unfair.

I cant really fathom being a family and everything not being for the family.

Im not fussed how things are split as such, people can split up earning, cleaning, caring and cooking how they like.

but I couldnt imagine doing overtime at the expense of seeing my children and spending that just on myself not the greater good of the whole unit. Doesnt he want to spend a bit of time with them in the evenings.

IF he is spending his entire evening on the odd night op is out washing ops pants and cleaning the house top to bottom then of course he is effectively ‘owed’ a night off, and can take that evening off when he wishes.

You have just shown why anything other than 50/50 doesn’t work, as the result is endless nit picking over every little thing. It erodes away at the relationship and resentment really does build. Assuming both parents are working hard whether that’s inside or outside the home, because both are equally as valuable as each other, then the default should be 50/50 at all times.

No-one on here can say what is "fair", though, because it's subjective. If you can't communicate about this overtime, why he took it, and what the outcomes would be, then you have a communication problem.

And OP can work part time because he works full time. They both facilitate each other to do what works best for their family. No one is doing the other a favour. It’s a partnership.

it should go into the joint and they up their disposables spends if needed.

Benefiting hugely from sacrificing career and pension?? Doing the lion share of home and childcare?

It doesn't sound like he does his share of the housework! How much of the cooking, cleaning and laundry do you get done during the two days you are minding the children? I find when I am minding my daughter I might get some housework done but not all of it and many of the jobs are every day - so you are cooking, doing laundry, hoovering, picking up clutter etc on the days that you work too. You should consider doing a task audit where you both write down all the things you do in the house for a week and an approximate amount of the time you spend on it - he may be surprised.

One other thing you should do if he thinks he is more deserving of the surplus pay is to cost all the things you do outside your 3 days work - how much would 2 days child care be, a cleaner, a cook etc... Maybe even suggest that since so much falls on you that some of the overtime should go towards a cleaner and one of those weekly meal boxes like Gousto or Hello Fresh. It sounds like you also have higher earning potential, so when you go back to 4 days a week will your surplus income be split 70:30 in your favour? Money should either be entirely joint or you should receive pay for all the extra work you carry out for the family.

This is factually incorrect, because if OP is doing bedtime she is by definition awake. Same when she gets up with the child in the morning after he's worked late.

Would he be able to do this overtime without you doing all the childcare? If the answer to that is no, it’s 50/50.

He's doing the extra work so he should be able to keep the money. You already have equal spends out of your normal jobs/ hours. It's not doing him a favour to put the kids to bed. They are your kids! If you had a side hustle would you want to hand over half your earnings to him?

They are their kids, not just hers. How would he manage to do the overtime if she wasn't there to but them to bed? So while it's not exactly doing him a favour, it is enabling him to do the overtime.

And yes, money from a side hustle should go in to the joint pot, just as money from any wages does. Then they can decide between them how much they take back out for personal spends, but in my opinion, it should be equal amounts.

I really don't understand married couples with families who operate without the 'one pot' mentality. You are team - you both work hard, be that at a paid job, or at home with the kids. All money should be shared, with equal access to personal spends. I really couldn't be bothered with who earns more, who works more at home etc, as long as both partners feel happy with the amount of effort made by each person. If you don't both feel happy with this, then it's not really about the money, but about being taken for granted by the other person.

We have always just paid into the one account, and spent from there. We set budgets, but don't allocate personal spends, as neither of us has expensive tastes, or takes the piss. If it happened that one of us was starting to spend a. great deal more than the other, then we might look at a set amount of personal spending, and I do understand why some couples to this, but we've never had to. Been married 30 years, still going strong.

Do you actually discuss finances?

If it’s nights she and child are asleep in bed the same as all the other nights. I didn’t say my opinion would be popular.

When my DP gets overtime or a bonus that is his and doesn’t go into the bill account. It’s up to him what he does with it, sometimes a hobby item, a vehicle repair but also a new oven and a new fridge freezer so just depends what crops up. My DP has worked away most of our 20 plus year relationship so when he’s away all responsibilities are solely mine.

This is guesswork, and also there's more than one employer in the country.

If it's immaterial who does bedtimes since they're both the parents, that applies both ways. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

Why does is need splitting? Are you not a family?