Husband's overtime pay - what's a fair split?

I understand that he's working more paid hours in employment. However, your labour in the home and caring for your children is what enables him to not have to do those things. Your unpaid hours of labour in the home and caring for your children are what mean you don't spend money on a cleaner or a nanny or other paid childcare. You are also bringing in a wage.

Your household works because of this division of labour.

For him to keep and save the extra money he receives and is able to do because of your presence in the home and with the children is inequitable.

You don't have to have a full joint account if you don't want. Our 70/30 split when our children were younger and I was lower paid and part time was his giving 70% into the shared account and me putting in 30% into the shared account. All bills and shared expenditure came out of that account. We had similar amounts in private accounts with which to use as we wished.

Your working part time will impact your pension and pension savings.

I'm glad to see you mention that you have pretty equal social time as this is often an imbalance.

It's great that he's got a strong work ethic and it'll be great for your career longer term that you're still working while your children are young.

My sister and her husband use their bonuses or overtime specifically for their family holiday pot.

What's your husband planning to do with the extra money he brings in? Will it benefit your whole family, you as a couple?

Being married and being parents means being part of a team. Different people bring different things to the table but it starts getting very unfair and inequitable if he's using his overtime solely on his hobbies or passion projects. If he's able to go on fancy boys trips abroad while you stick closer to home to save money, if he's wearing designer gear and your trawling through primark and charity shops, if he's buying new golf clubs and gym memberships and guitars while you're buying second hand trainers from vinted and doing Park Runs because it's free and local - that's where your life gets smaller and his gets bigger and it starts feeling really imbalanced.

You’re a team! 50/50!

my concern would be more that with all the unneeded overtime when do you actually have time as a couple.

You both facilitate the other to work a pattern that suits your needs. If this overtime is falling into the time where you are mainly at home in bed then you aren't missing out and you are being compensated by making 30% of that pay. Personally my husbands overtime is his own I've never felt a need to have a share of that and vice versa but we also both naturally tend to put it towards shared family activities anyway. Your way of splitting finances feels a bit tit for tat to me and wouldn't work for us.

we don’t do his and her money - we share our resources as a family

it should be shared

You've proved my point. Pushing for 50/50 is a bad start. Just get on with your lives and if something bothers you discuss it but it'll never be even. You just need to accept it.

My food costs triple my husband's but he doesn't make me pay the premium every time. We're too caught up in our own lives to care about that kind of thing.

He does most of the driving and pays more towards the car. Probably unfair considering I'm the higher earner. Again, if he broached the subject with me it would be an adult conversation.

What you really need to look at is your pension forecasts and equalise these.

It all seems a bit petty tbh.

You say you let him have a lie in if he’s been working late at night. So you have to spend time with your child while he has a lie in, is that what you’re referring to? Why is that a bad thing?

Why does the money need to be split? Just leave it in the joint account until something needs paying for? If you want something for yourself, just speak to your husband about it if it’s a lot of money? Same for him?

Sounds ideal.

My husband's pension is both of ours ultimately and I'd love my only stress to be housework and entertaining the children rather than huge professional responsibilities.

Friends of mine have begged to be SAHMs or drop hours but their husbands were attracted to professional women, suppose mine included

Sorry that sounded really flippant of me.

What I'm asking is, what's the overtime vs your socializing time and is that more of a balance?

Perhaps sex will start to be charged, and numbers of showers. Food consumption counted. It’s pretty miserable way to live, if the relationship is reduced to this. I’d leave and find a balanced, respectful and equal partnership - because the reduction of family teamwork and unity would get me down too much.

Exactly this in our household too

We did that, more than 35 years ago. May DH was the SAHP, then worked part time.

Luckily, there's no rule saying you can't both be part time. Ask me how I know! The DHs employer here may not allow it, he doesn't appear to have checked if 3 days is doable, but there are other jobs. And he's evidently fine with unsocial hours.

Out of interest, how many woman would be ok with their husband saying they were going to be the one going part time or sah and they the female themselves working full time with overtime and missing out on the good part of being home with the children.

Why wouldn't you share earnings with your family?

He's shown no indication of wanting to do that, to the extent that he hasn't checked if it's possible. You're a couple of steps ahead in your assumption.

Doesn't really occur to me to share any of my overtime. Its his earnings.

It's a choice to reduce hours. He can always go to 3 days and you can go and earn the overtime.

Exactly. He’s the one being transactional by wanting to keep 70% of the overtime while being happy to do less than 50% of the childcare. And if the OP goes out that doesn’t count as him doing active childcare. What’s the betting the OP has done teatime, bath and bedtime and packed the book bag before going out so his ‘childcare’ is sitting at home doing whatever he wants.

Personally, I think some of that extra money should be going into a pension or retirement savings account for OP. She has cut her paid employment down to 3 days to facilitate HIS career. She is now covering his share at home above and beyond those 3 days to facilitate HIS career. She is now covering his share at home when he is 'recovering' from the extra hours (she is facilitating) that went to further HIS career. All this at the expense of her own career while having to do even more at home and with the DCs to boot.

I am tired of women constantly being on the wrong side of these transactional relationships. It always benefits the men. You can disagree and be wrong at the same time. She has already sacrificed far more than he ever will.

I have. I would be weirded out about the entitlement of it. I’m not the only person here who finds this whole situation so transactional it borders on strange, we can disagree you know?

Yes exactly - it’s either 50/50 or the OT doesn’t happen. I wouldn’t want to be dumped with everything three times a week whilst dh goes out to earn money for his own treats and spends! No fucking chance.

@Debatingthings does your husband realise that you are enabling his working hours? what would it cost your husband to pay for an overnight nanny to feed and bathe his child and ensure it was safe while he worked?

I would tell him 50/50 or drop the (unneeded) extra hours.

And I agree with pps that this sort of pettyfogging over money is corrosive to relationships. It’s either 50/50 or you go back to work full time, share childcare costs equally - and you get to keep your own (higher) salary. See how he likes them apples

What? You would be ‘weirded’ out to be part of a family where you work together as a family unit and contribute in a million different ways to make it work for everyone - for the benefit of everyone. Maybe you have never had a spouse or a family 🤷‍♀️

Put it all into a savings acct for holidays and things for mutual benefit