Husband's overtime pay - what's a fair split?

We take an equal amount of personal spends regardless of who puts the most into the account.

Fair enough. I don’t really care that my husband sees my list of Amazon transactions on the online banking, he doesn’t ask any questions 🤐

I’m not meaning to criticise, my friends have a similar set up to you and they squabble about money and “what’s fair” all the time. I think it all comes out on the wash over time anyway. But my husband and I are very much on the same page about spending etc. I can see that it might be more difficult if one of you is a mad spender and the other prefers to save/penny pinch etc.

No I get that. It just all seems very transactional and tit for tat, for me.

My husband and I put everything into our joint account. The bills all come out of the joint account. We put some into savings and the rest in the JA we just spend as we go. We don’t keep track of who spends what and we don’t moan when one of us spends more than the other in one particular month. We’ll discuss bigger spends. Most of it goes on the kids anyway.

I just find this whole division of money down to how you’re going to split an overtime payment, strange and a bit grim to be honest.

Are you planning to return to full time work once the kids are older, OP? I think this is an important factor that is often overlooked.

If he's still working FT in his mid 50s with another two decades to go and you're doing morning yoga classes and haven't worked FT in 20 years and don't ever plan to again....well, that kinda puts a few difficult years into context.

I do 3 and dh does 4 days to
reduce our childcare bill. I earn more. I do some weekends/bank holidays for extra money as well
paid. Dh has to do the looking after for these to enable me to do them.

I consider it the ‘spendsy’ money. We use it for little luxuries round the house to free up both our time. Like a deep clean, a gardener here and there and then chuck the rest at extra holidays/nights away!
getting a nice weekend away makes the sacrifice seem more worth it. We could still do
this without it but it just seems more special.

You already split everything in half bearing in mind you work less hours. Relationships aren’t supposed to be transactional. I think the overtime is fully his.

I’m puzzled about whether he’s your life partner or the hired help.

“I allow him a lie in the next morning” Jesus Christ I could not live like that 🫣

These transactional relationships sound so joyless. I honestly don’t know how people put themselves through it.

You have a child in nursery. You’re not going to have an equal split of anything at this stage, no matter how hard you try. There’s always going to be someone who does an extra load of laundry or has an extra hour in bed. That’s life - and with small children situations change quickly.

As long as no one is taking the piss and no one is being genuinely unhappy or disrespected, you just need to get on with it. The though of keeping tabs of every pound spent and what it was spent on and who benefited the most from it and how long someone spent by themselves makes me despair.

On another note, it’s interesting how you’ve framed working less as a great, selfless sacrifice you’ve made. And not as something you’re benefiting hugely from.

This is the only truly fair answer. You're not being grabby, you just want to be valued. There is give and take in a family. If one parent is working late at their job, the other is typically "on the clock" for longer with childcare/housework/life admin.

My husband initially suggested that he use all of a bonus he received to buy a new gaming computer and set up (he already had one, just wanted a fancier one and comfier chair). He came out with "...but I worked so hard, was so stressed and put in so much extra time at work to get those projects done", but it only took me saying ONCE "Yes, absolutely you did, and I looked after our children for hours longer each day, cooked every meal and mitigated the effect your stress would have on family life so that you could do those extra hours at work. Where's my bonus?" to get to a response of "Shit, yeah, okay" from him. This was years ago now and I still tease him over his initial proposition, and he's still embarrassed that I had to point it out to him. All money is family money. We're a team. Just like you and your husband are.

"Originally the plan was for me to work full time and him to work part time, but after mat leave I didn't feel I could do that."

"but I do feel that financial and professional sacrifice for the good of our family should be recognised, that I am an equal contributor"

So your going part time was your preference, and overrode the original plans despite it being financially disadvantageous to your family?

Seems a bit unfair to paint it as him bring selfish and you sacrificing your career and him "not having to" when you didn't feel you could go back to full time work work so him making the sacrifices wasn't even an option you would accept.

1000% agree you facilitate him being able to work more. Nursery drop off / pick ups / meal times / bed times can feel like a second shift!!