Husband's overtime pay - what's a fair split?

I havent read the full thread but it is better for both of you to have separate accounts that money gets paid into and from there to transfer it to a joint. You're pretty screwed if one of you decides to be nasty. Work out your total.costs and total income and then work out a percentage to pay. If you are doing to the lions share of domestics then add that as a charge to total costs and it will balance out. Always have your own money that your wage goes into.

Is having sex with your husband work?

You’ve chosen to have children. Take the consequences!

Its certainly work—you know how I know? Because we would have to pay someone else if I did not do it.

She’s already getting a fair share. He wouldn’t have the money if HE didn’t do the overtime!

And who is caring for HIS child and doing HIS housework? What a shoddy attitude. I assume you have never been a family man/woman.

This is exactly why everything should be in one pot, as they are both doing as they want, no money difficulties, so seems a very strange debate.

His overtime - his money! It wouldn’t be there if HE didn’t do the overtime!

Women tend to neglect their pensions - you should be paying extra in to your pension if that is at all feasible and it should come from your shared pot. If you were doing less childcare then the cost of childcare would be shared between you and paying someone else's pension contributions. It is not reasonable for your pension to suffer. It is a form of saving and not one you should neglect.

I dont really get this stance because there's nothing to suggest the family cant afford there bills and she appears to pay half of them. Unless 'roughly the same' is actually 'really quite different'. To me she gave herself this gift by working hard and getting a professional job that paid roughly the same in 3 days as someone else earns in 5 days. It waant bequeathed by her spouse.

He'd like to give himself a gift too which seems fair, but she gave herself gift that benefits the whole family quite a lot. Everyone benefits from the cooking, cleaning and childcare. It feels much more 50/50 to me. Her being off is only really at his expense if he wanted to work less hours and she said no, but the op says he wants to work more, not less.

Not really sure what's not to understand. They should share money, they are a family unit both contributing to the family. The time at home with children is a gift, they have chosen to have children and the one luckily enough to be at home has time with their children is benefiting.

When you go back full time or four days, will you be bringing home more than him? If he wants to split 30/70 now then you can split 70/30 then. Watch him change his tune.

I believe that if as a couple you make the decision to have children and to be in a long term relationship, that, unless one person is terrible with money, everything should be coming out of one pot. You are a family. You are working too, you are raising your child and tending to her needs, you’re not spending your time with her doing your own thing. If you were working full time and he was doing the childcare, how would you split the money?

That’s why I mentioned extenuating circumstances (such as yours).

It’s not a chore, it’s “work”. Any task that you can pay someone else to do can be classified as “work”. Cleaning the house, looking after the children, picking kids up from school. It’s all work. Of course it can be enjoyable as well, but it’s nowhere near the same as free time and it should be valued as such.

Parents stepping back from full time work isn’t a personal choice, it’s a family decision, exactly the same as if a parent quits work altogether to be SAHM. All families deal with different challenges and two full time working parents simply isn’t possible for some families (like mine) where children have additional needs.

I think it should all go in one pot. The money split discussion indicates bigger issues in your marriage. Since it's causing this much hassle and resentment perhaps he should stop doing overtime.
You should both assess what your relationship issues are and take steps to resolve them. For a start, I'd suggest you work more, and he share the load more.

Without her he might not have the kids in the first place so would be free to do as much overtime as he wished without someone wanting a slice

I don’t understand your comment. You think staying home with kids is a gift but they should share the money- I agree that they should share the money equally because without her free labour he wouldn’t be able to make the extra money. Being with your kids can be a lovely thing to do but that doesn’t make it valueless or any less of a “job” because if you didn’t do it then someone else would be paid for it, so technically it is a job, and you’re still actively contributing to society and the economy by enabling your partner to work. It’s not that people resent looking after their own kids - you’re right it is lovely! But many people resent the idea that they’re not working or contributing to the family equally when they do so, which is unfair.
They should share the money equally because it was a team effort to earn it.

I think 50% to him for discretionary spends and 50% into a joint savings pot would be reasonable.

ETA: if time spent on childcare or chores is an issue I think that's a separate thing and he should catch up on his 'share' on weekends or when he can... not pay you for it like you're staff!

It’s not a chore but someone has to do it, literally. If she couldn’t, he’d have to pay someone else. I can’t believe that people genuinely think women’s time is so worthless.
Capitalism thrives on the unpaid work of women.

You can value and choose something and you’re still giving up other options. I love my kids but we have busy lives and I am a night owl and I burn out without getting some sleep ins. Doing dinner and bedtime solo means it’s at least 10pm by the time I’ve got them down and cleaned up and picked up a few things and can sit down. It’s not just about precious time with my children, it’s about getting any downtime at all in a busy life. There’s not that much that’s precious about trying to clear the table while shouting STOP winding up your sister to one and WHY have I asked you 4 times to shower and you’re still wandering around looking like you can’t find the shower, it’s basically bedtime already so that’s your reading time you’ve used! With 2 of us it’s so much easier. Loving my children doesn’t stop me being human.

I completely agree I'm amazed, it's shocking really. For me it's lovely to be able to spend time with them when I am not working. It's not a job looking after your own, it's a lifestyle choice and gift. I would love this, very lucky for those that are able, most aren't. Op I agree share money and you have best of both worlds.

Because he is relying on her to look after THEIR dc while he goes and earns over time?

Either they are a team and share or not

"but your time with the child?"

you never want time alone? without having to be the grown up and in charge?

I genuinely had no idea how many women saw looking after rheir own children as some form of chore till I joined this website.