AIBU to feel judged by mum friends for being childfree?

One thing I’ve realised as I’ve got older is that people aren’t thinking about me (or judging me) half as much as I think they are. People are just getting on with their lives.

That weird vibe goes both ways OP. If you come across in real life like you do in your posts, people might feel defensive. But you just want to hear how right you are and how wrong your social circle is, so nothings going to change.

Yeah I get it, we have women in their 40’s and 50’s in our families who haven’t had kids and aren’t married. I think for years they must have been grilled by everyone, it’s not like it’s a gentle “have you met anyone, are you thinking about kids”.

Not like that at all, it’s invasive, judgemental, pressurising. I felt outright harassed about kids, it started straight after I got married as well. I got questioned on my fertility, on whether I was taking contraception, there were also slight tone of “our poor boy married a gold digger” just because I had not produced a child. None of this was directed at my husband, he didn’t even know about it (obviously would have shut it down immediately if he had heard it).

Honestly OP, as a woman you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. If you have children, there are immense pressures from society to get your body back, still go to work, have more than however many children you have, become a perfect housewife, not let yourself go, be a brilliant mum etc.

If you don’t have children, society doesn’t understand you, wants you to justify yourself, wants you to get married and have children.

So just do you because you’re likely to get judged either way.

Before I had my daughter, all the questions were about when I was having one. Now I have her, everyone wants to know when I’m having another. I’ve got a chronic illness now and alongside “how are you?”, I get an enormous amount of, “Will you still be able to have more children?” As if that is the priority over my own health.

I will say though - mothers are not one homogenous group. Some people love it, others not so much. Some have great husbands, others have crap ones. Some are happy, some aren’t. Some might envy your lifestyle, some might not. And child free women will also not all feel the same way about being child free.

You need better friends. I have two grown kids and we are very close. If at some point I need care, I’m certain we would get together and brainstorm the best ways to make that happen. They are NOT my retirement plan. That would be an unfair expectation. But I also know they would help as and how they could while living their own lives. So, you’re right, OP. There is no guarantee any parent and their child will even be speaking to each other at a time that far in future. Your sister is unreasonable and unrealistic to put that burden on her children. But she will never believe that. You love your nieces and nephews and the other kids who are part of your chosen family. It’s incredibly rude for people to bang on about your biological clock or anything else related to childbearing. They need to back the fuck off. It’s none of their business. You are not sad, or selfish, or weird. I don’t know what your specific culture is, but I do know that in some cultures having children is a requirement for being a successful woman. But as a mum, I can tell you that it is simply ONE of my roles. I’m a teacher, a photographer, a writer, and several other things. Still, you’re mistaken if you think being a mum means being nothing else. Good luck standing up for yourself. If you need to, remind your critics that bringing an unwanted child into the world benefits neither the parents or the child.

You just need to ignore them. Some people are never happy unless you do exactly what they have done. Or they resent you having a better life than they do.

I was childless at 40. All my siblings had children and I came in for constant criticism. Biological clock, missing my chance, not marrying. Yet I was the one who paid off her mortgage at 43.

Then I had a child at 45 as a single mum. More criticism because I didn't marry the dad, I was too old, it was unfair on the child etc etc.
Now I've provided my child with a decent loving, secure childhood and good education, he's off to uni in a few weeks. We're both healthy, happy, no problems.
In my 60s I run 10ks & half marathons, and practice martial arts, I'm about to retire. That's still wrong. They say I'll be bored, I should carry on working, give up running, I'm too old. 😁

I can't win so I don't try.

You do you and be happy in your decisions. Ignore the family noise. You'll be far happier living the life you choose.

get a weird vibe that a lot of the women in my life resent me for not falling into the same pattern of misery as the rest of them.

No. No-one outside your immediate family even gives a shiny shit whether or not you have kids! no-one. that’s the truth.
No-one with children resents you or is jealous etc. for reasons you will never be able to fully appreciate or understand. So get on with your life and they will theirs

Sorry OP - I’m from an Asian household and have many, many cousins who are childless by choice - no one judges them. And as for husbands who can go on lads holidays while mums are just mums? I go on holidays with my friends and leave the kids with said ‘useless’ husband once or twice a year. This is very much a you/your family thing - don’t bring the rest of us into this. Stop generalising stuff and just live your life - why the fuck do you care what others think anyway - you sound fulfilled in your own life unless that’s a lie?

You need better friends. I have heaps of child free friends, couldn’t care less about their choices and it’s never discussed, definitely not a competition. But I’m guessing the cultural part is carrying a bit of weight here.

The OP just sounds like someone who is happy with her life choices to me.

You sound horrid in your OP and your subsequent posts cement that impression.

Don’t have kids if you don’t want to, it’s your loss.

Pretty much all your posts on this thread are condescending and prickly OP. Just make some non-mum friends if you find them so miserable.

@ByAzureMoose more people should opt-out of parenting unless they really want them and want to cherish them and do their absolute best for them. There would be less rubbish parents in the world, and less neglected children in the world if they did the right thing and not just what society expects them to do.

You sound very defensive and judgemental yourself, OP.

Perhaps that's a knee-jerk reaction to the culture you're from, and perhaps your friends (being from that same culture?) are unhappy because they've felt pressured into making choices they might not have otherwise. I imagine a culture that wants a woman's entire identity to be consumed by mothering is very misogynistic in general, and not conducive to happiness, or to husbands who contribute equally.

But a lot of what you've said implies that women who have children are, by default, making unwise choices and doomed to a life of misery, which is obviously patently untrue.

I have children, and love my life - wouldn't change it for the world. Being a mum, and a whole person aside from that, is wonderful. But I also have many childfree friends and can see that for them, it's a fantastic choice that makes them very happy. There are pros and cons to both having children and being childfree - neither is objectively 'better' than the other.

So maybe you just have a very homogeneous friend group that you don't mesh well with, and it's making you feel bitter and defensive?

Do you generally friend-audition by dress size?

If someone calls you selfish just remind them that all the subs and handouts they get simply for breeding come out of your taxes.

Meh, most of my friends with kids have got kinda fat and frumpy tbh.

No she doesn't. On the other hand loads of parents on this thread do sound angry, and have taken the OP extremely and unnecessarily personally.

I'm a parent, by the way.

Most my friends and family have children. Never have they encouraged me to follow suit to the point I've never heard a single positive sentiment from them.

They have on the other hand said never do it. I'm so jealous of you. I wish I could still put my all in at work....

I don't think any less of them. They just do what they think the right thing is and to be fair, their children can be lovely

OP just say to them "I've no interest in your opinions and in return I won't mention how old you look". Guess that will stop them fairly swiftly!

I get it OP. It’s absolutely a projection of their own unhappiness or them trying to justify their decision, try to ignore it as best you can because it’ll pass once they are settled into being parents. Some people (definitely not just mums) take it as a personal affront when you’re living the life they would have had if they didn’t have babies. I had DC young so we have older teens now friends are having babies and I’ve had some very rude and thoughtless comments made to me. I don’t personally think they should be asking you about pregnancy or children unless you bring up the subject, it’s such a hard topic for so many women I hoped there was more awareness about it now

You refer to them as judging because you didn't fall I to the same path of misery they chose.

Yep. My experience.

It’s only quite recent in UK history that women have really had much of a choice regarding marriage or having children and certainly financial independence for women hasn’t been common until recent history.
I’m in my 50s and didn’t really feel like there was any other choice but to find a partner and have children. My dd on the other hand doesn’t feel that having kids is expected or that she will experience low status in society without a husband. I think she might well prefer to be single and child free and if that’s her decision I fully support it. She would still be in a minority amongst her peers but the minority is growing ever larger. I think it’s now possible for women to enjoy a life that is better in many ways without children. After all, who wants to be sleep deprived and have less time and money to spend on themselves? Even if you don’t overall regret your choice to have children there are some aspects of being child free that are highly enviable and that’s just a fact. Your friends are only human to envy at least some aspects of your life.
I have an only child and there’s a similar difference for me and my friends who have multiple children. I have more freedom, more money, more time for myself and more independence. Some of them think I have it easy and that may well be true. My dd is now grown up and is my fave person. If I had more dc presumably I’d then have more fave people which would presumably be fantastic!
I do agree that being a dad is a lot more appealing in many ways than being a mum!
My guess would be that the birthrate will continue to drop as the social and economic environment doesn’t make having dc easy - for women in particular - and it’s becoming more socially acceptable to choose not to have kids.

I think Op is feeling prickly because she just feels extremely judged, if you come from a culture where having kids is seen as essential people can be extremely overbearing. My MIL mentioned it every single damn time I saw her for 8 years. It’s draining.