AIBU to feel judged by mum friends for being childfree?

Poor kids being lumped in with bad boyfriends and shitty jobs and bosses 😢

You have weird friends! I’m a mum and have so many childfree women in my life and rate them highly for choosing themselves and not what society expected of them.

So your friends are never allowed to complain? I listen to friends' moaning about bad boyfriends, tiring house moves, shitty jobs, shitty bosses, being tired because of XYZ etc all the time. People go through hard, tiring times for all kinds of reasons. Having small children is a big one. It's life. It doesn't mean all mums are miserable. And the fact that most women DO choose to have children is not in itself a judgment on the OP.

i disagree, if you are tired because you have young children that was your choice the OP is not being smug- she didn't want children and is happy with her choice, that is a very long way from being smug. You seem less happy with your choices- that's your problem not the OP's.

Women get judged either way. It's a really fucked up reality of being a woman, i think the childless angle is just another side of it. We can't get it right. I get judged for working in a demanding career while having children. A friend of mine gets judged relentlessly for being a SAHM.

I think the OP is coming across a bit petulant and judgy herself with how she talks about us miserable mums, although I don't doubt she is judged as well.

Being told two weeks ago at the age of 57 that I’ll “understand when you’re a grandmother” when I have never had children and never wanted them was the latest time I was judged for not having children.

It is boring and offensive.

I have never regretted my decision.

I have been told I’m selfish which is also boring and offensive. I always reply by asking for one reason why having children is not selfish and I’ll give you five why not having children is not selfish.

I completely agree with the OP for her reasons and feelings. The other comment that was boring and offensive was that I would change my mind. Apparently it’s completely fine to decide to have a child at any age and that you’ll never change your mind. It is clear from some of the threads on here that that is obviously untrue.

I disagree that you sound superior. You sound really happy and fulfilled. I think you maybe need to have a conversation with them and be really clear that you're happy, you don't want your life to change and that you would like them to stop talking about it.

I do think they are possibly envious but it's probably more that they genuinely don't think you can be truly fulfilled without children because so many feel that way (I know I do - but only for me, I don't think everyone needs to have children to be happy!)

I didn’t get married until 40 and had two children after that. In my 20s I got some comments about how kids were the point of living but not after that. I guess people gave up the older I got! Certainly no one called me ‘selfish’ - how is it selfish? I think some people may be envious of your freedom!

People sometimes need a moan. Young children are very tiring. The fact that you spin that to justify your life choices, makes you sound very smug. You don't come across as very nice.

It's entirely your business if you don't want children- why are you even interested what your mother's friends think? Do not explain yourself- you don't owe anyone an explanation.
When I meet someone and children come up as a subject i say i don't have any, but i don't specify why- no one will ask you in case you tried for years or had birth complications etc.

“You mums”

The way you write shows exactly what you think of women with children. You see them as mothers and nothing more. Your language (“life of misery”) says everything of your opinion of other women.

You’re so concerned by what other women think of you while you merrily broadcast your bile about them. You don’t sound very secure in your life choices.

It’s a shame for you that your cultural background has led you to be this way, but railing against it by being so scornful of other women and eschewing the idea of having children completely does not make you the better person you think it does. By definition only parents know what you are missing out on.

You would benefit from therapy to work through your self esteem issues caused by your upbringing.

Families are different, all the shit I got was from DH side of the family, my side is a lot better but some of the oldies definitely would have had something to say about being unwed and childless to my aunties. Anyone who’s 60 and below tends to not question it on my side. DH side have clamed down a bit once it dawned on them they have kids who won’t be producing kids either. Tbf even my grandmother didn’t care if I got married or not (she had a pretty dim view of men and thought financial independence was important for women so they don’t get messed around). The women in our family also generally have equitable relationships where everyone pitches in and definitely go on holidays with their friends and have their own lives. But I also recognise thats not always the norm for everyone unfortunately.

Some communities are more conservative than others and some families are as well. I think OP’s background is whats driving this. Also religion can play a heavy part, not just culture.

You absolutely have to right to build the kind of life that pleases you, every girl and woman should have that right. I love my DC very much and I want her to have all the choices I had, her life is her own to shape. You may not be able to shift their thinking very much but perhaps you can ask them why they think it’s so important? They would probably struggle to articulate it properly.

It’s been an uphill battle for all women all over the world to have the right to the same choices and freedom that men automatically get, it’s still difficult for women in the UK from some communities to really get an authentic choice, many get conditioned into believing that being a moral person requires you to value things like motherhood and self sacrifice to mens needs above everything else. This is not their fault, they probably don’t even realise what they have participated in yet they know deep down that they didn’t necessarily make their choices whole heartedly and with full consent. Thats why many may very well appear miserable because they are. I would say smile and say “I’m happy as I am thank you” and keep being the aunty who did stuff her own way as an example to your nieces of what an authentically free life looks like.

Let them judge, it doesn’t matter, you are happy with the choices you made, you don’t need to judge back, you can just be secure in knowing that you are fine with yourself. Don’t get caught in a cycle of thinking “you judge me so I will sit in judgement of you”. It doesn’t help you, let it go and frame it as cultural conditioning (which it usually is). You are no less or more a woman for having children, you aren’t a better or worse person for it either.

I think you just need a new friendship group.
You're being judged for not having children.
You're judging your friends for having children.
This isn't what true friendships are like.

The women in your life don't sound like true friends if you feel so judged. Maybe it's time to find some new friends you have more in common with. Friendships change over time, that's normal.
FWIW I have one child and most of my friendship circle don't have children. We're all 40+.

Maybe some of your friends are judging you. Maybe you are horrified at some of their choices. You all have some good things in your lives and some less good. That's life.

I was with you until the “pattern of misery” comment, then I realised the superiority complex is running both ways and you’re all as bad as each other.

I have one DD and she’s the best thing I’ve ever done. She brings me more joy and contentment than anything I’ve ever done, and I had a good two decades of doing exactly what I wanted. It’s hard sometimes but I don’t recognise the “misery” comment, and resent the idea that if you have kids you’re some kind of slave to convention, living a drudgery filled half-life.

I have childfree friends and friends with kids, and there’s no judgment either way. You need better friends.

This - Basically what I wanted to say but better articulated! 👏

OP the problem isn't the choice of whether to become a parent. It's that you need a different circle of people around you.

The fact that you think you'd like to be a dad but not a mum is very telling of the people you are surrounding yourself with. I am a mum but also a person with interests and a whole identity separate to my son.

You need some new friends.

And what useful contribution did you make other than policing other peoples opinions, which op posted to get?

I have no idea how you got that from the thoughtful OP. If you don’t have anything useful or nice to say, maybe just leave it.

You are a canine to their molars and pre-molars. You're not suited for what they do, and they're not suited for your approach. Carry on doing life how you do it 😃 🦷

It’s the same on all sides OP as women we are judged and judge each other relentlessly for our life choices. First it’s why haven’t you got a boyfriend, then when are you getting married, when are you having a baby, why aren’t you having a baby, when are you going back to work, why are you not at home with your baby, when are you having another, are you breastfeeding, what about your career….and on and on and on. No one asks these questions of men. You just can’t win so block out the noise and do what makes you happy.

Well played!!

I've often thought that raising a child alone is in a lot of ways more stable than doing it in a relationship. That romantic relationship that you just blindly hope won't fail , and is subject to the whims, wants and behaviour of a total other person you cannot control.

I don't want kids, for reasons similar to the OP. But if I did, I wouldn't bring another person into it !

There is a delicious irony in OP's post. Choosing a child free lifestyle because of 'The overall degeneration of society' which is due in part, to the falling birth rate.