To persevere with this relationship?

This would be my ideal relationship. You are lucky.

Few = two in my head 😅 But yes, that does seem rather infrequent, both for generally seeing each other and spending time together, and in regards to sex.

I can see why your friends might see it as a FWB situation - it's a mostly digital, low effort relationship, with fortnightly meet-ups to hang out and have sex. The fact that most of your communication is just through messaging does make a difference to face to face meetings; there's a disconnection there, and fewer expectations or demands made on each other. It makes it seem much less emotionally committed, at least from an external POV - but if that's what works for you both, then there's no reason to change it.

It sounds as though your friends who keep mentioning it need to be firmly told to stop being so weirdly negative and questioning of your relationship.

(Unless it's possible that they know he's cheating, and that's why they're trying to drop hints that he's not a one woman man...but that seems very unlikely.)

And they certainly have zero problems with calling you their girlfriend.

It really is quite sad that women don't value themselves enough to realise that if a man won't even put the relatively low level commitment label of 'girlfriend' on them they really aren't into them at all.

It's never been an issue till now.

It was never an issue for me to leap out of bed when I was 20, it is now.
It was never an issue for me to lose weight easily when I needed to in the past, it is now.

See what I'm getting at?
Wake up for goodness sake.

Men are simple creatures. When they’re really into a woman, they can’t stay away from you and they make it completely clear you are the one for them. There’ll be lots of contact, no worrying whether they are or aren’t into you, no dithering on whether they want exclusivity or not. He wouldn’t be able to stand the thought of you with another man.

This guy, I’m afraid to say, ain’t that into you. He enjoys your company for sure hence you still being around after so long and he clearly likes the easy route to sex, this way he doesn’t have to put effort and money into dates first… But no, it’s unlikely he’s going to marry you and give you children. If this is what you’re after, find someone else.

If you were happy with this situation, you wouldn't be asking here (or maybe started another thread similar as another poster as hinted at).

Do you think he's asking for advice about this? I don't. He doesn't give a toss.

You are convenient for him, he sounds like he's one of life's coasters.
I guess he isn't driven at all.
Mediocre job? Even long-term unemployed perhaps.

Men will hang around with women for years they aren't that into as long as they like them enough.
This does not mean they feel that much for them.

I'll say this:

A man who is not willing to put the relatively low level commitment of calling you his girlfriend is simply not that into you as he does not want to signal in any way to the outside world i. e. OTHER women that he is 'spoken' for.

The monogamy means nothing on his end. It's easy to be monogamous as a man when options are limited.

This could go several ways:

He meets someone else. Possible but if he doesn't go far, unlikely.
He's getting older too and unlikely to be the sort of man who gets more attractive with age.

You meet someone else. Unlikely as you're completely besotted by him. Though being a woman you still have more options than an ageing mediocre man.
But as you're besotted by him this is unlikely- please don't deny it If you weren't bothered you wouldn't be posting here.

A major crisis occurs, he becomes homeless and there you go-cocklodger territory.
Well done you got your prize.

Op I was really struck by you saying you don't see the point in meeting up mid week even though you live so close. I honestly can't figure out if your feelings for him aren't really there or if you're just a wee bit of a recluse (or ND perhaps)?

Sorry if that's annoying to hear

Your friends are wrong to pass comment on this arrangement unless you ask for it

I think a clean break from this guy would do you good as he's always been there in the background, it would help you work out your feelings. Or maybe try therapy to explore your feelings? Or just keep going as you are if you're happy and fuck what your friends think.

I was in a similarish situation, I was so in love with this particular man and he always said he never wanted marriage or kids. I accepted it would always be what it was, we did “couple” things on the weekend, evening date nights, trips away, told each other I love you many times etc but I never met his family or moved in. Then 5 years in, one day in casual conversation he suddenly said something along the lines of “If I ever did get married…” I was stunned and in that moment I realised that if something better ever came along he might be gone because after all this time he wasn’t saying if we ever got married. I was completely devastated but finally ended it. I later met someone else and never spent a single second wondering where I stood. Sorry for rambling - if you are genuinely happy and this is what you truly want then go for it, but if there are any doubts/questions at all then you have to put yourself first now, it will only be even harder as time goes on.

I find all the "you're a placeholder", "he's using you" comments on this thread to be weird and a bit misogynistic. Because he's as much of a placeholder to the OP as she is to him. They both seem very happy, in the moment, with this monogamous-but-casual status quo. OP has a great deal of self-awareness when it comes to how suffocated she feels in traditional relationships. And as she doesn't want kids it's not as if she has a timeframe to make up her mind in.

To me, the relationship is real if it's what works for you. But I get that the worry is that there's no model for future-proofing this kind of relationship - it's so casual that if either of you were swept off your feet by someone else, you'd leave the other alone in a heartbeat. It's important to note that this risk might feel greater than a traditional relationship would, but look at all the marriages that fail - doing things the conventional way does not protect you from being dumped at all.

However, I think a proper conversation about the future is long overdue. Where do you see yourselves in 10 years? (Not just in the relationship, but what are your life ambitions when it comes to careers, locations etc.)

Are you really happy with the status quo indefinitely, or do you want any sort of next stage? (I'm unclear, and maybe the OP is too, about whether she wants to live with this guy because she thinks she should - despite hating living with other men - or whether she genuinely would prefer it.)

I would also note that this sort of casual but committed relationship, where you're definitely more than FWBs but both prize your own space, is quite common among older divorced people, and from what I see it works out pretty well for them. You've just skipped the marriage and divorce bit!

Good grief, this is all so wishy washy and low effort from the pair of you. You don't sound like you have a clue what you want, it's frustrating to read so I can't imagine what it's like to actually be living it.
If you were genuinely happy with the way things are you wouldn't be questioning it so much.

Sounds like he's using yu. I'd be shopping arund while FWB this guy.

I’m not sure that seeing each other every two weeks counts as enthusiastic, tbh. Or him not socialising with your friends as he has his own, or saying how living together would be ok as you could carry on doing your own things separately.
It feels like you have (both) compartmentalised the relationship, which sounds all neat and tidy but only you know whether it’s enough.
Sharing and entwining your lives might not be for you, and that’s ok.
I suspect your friends are just commenting as they are confused, as they know you are, and just want you to be your happiest.

This is meant with kindness but I think you’ve got stronger feelings for this guy than he has for you. I don’t think you want to admit to those feelings because it makes you feel too vulnerable in your current situation with him and that’s why you feel so conflicted. If you felt he was totally into you and not second guessing it (unsurprising based on your previous experience with him) I think you’d be all in with him

For what it's worth, OP, this is close to my concept of an ideal relationship.

I would (ideally) want a bit more doing things together, but in no way living together or - erm, space invading. I've been married twice and I suspect that a big part of the reason I picked unsuitable husbands was because I felt I 'should' be conventionally coupled.

On other threads in Relationships, people often talk about avoidant attachment and say avoidant people should be in relationships with each other! There are a lot of different avoidant styles; they wouldn't all be compatible with one another. But if two people with a similar attachment style liked and fancied each other, they could forge a relationship that worked perfectly for them.

What do you do when you see each other? And what does 'speaking all day, every day' mean?

I can see how people might perceive the relationship to be you just being a regular sex partner that he messages frequently to keep around, and not a proper emotionally invested relationship.

But if you're happy, then I don't see a reason why you shouldn't carry on the way you are. Sure, you might split up eventually, but that could happen if you lived together and got married, and as you don't want children you don't have any biological clock ticking down. If it's not broken, why fix it?

Or is it that you have a preference for living with him, so you can do your own thing but in a shared space, and it bothers you a little that he's against it? Personally, it does seem a little odd to me that the most you have sex as childfree, 40-year-olds is every few weeks - that's very infrequent! But if you're both happy with that, it's not a problem.

Sounds casual and incidental to your life which is filled with friendships, commitments, other things, hence the once in a few weeks thing. This wouldn't (at all) be what I wanted in a relationship, but if this works for you, then it works for you. Are you happy? Do you want more - from him or from a relationship? I personally don't want to live with my partner but I very much want the closeness, we see each other all the time, chat daily, have integrated our friendship groups, go on holiday together etc. This works very well for us, even though it isn't the template of living together/marriage. You do what makes you happy, don't worry about what you are meant to want.

Are your friends a bit obtuse?
Sorry, I am trying to be polite here!
I don’t live with my boyfriend. We have no intention of moving in together. But our friends would never dream of questioning our loyalty or fidelity to each other, just because we aren’t living together. That’s just bonkers!
Just tell them to STFU.

It sounds like you both enjoy your own company which is great but it is a big jump from only seeing each other every couple of weeks to living together.

I know people say "if you love someone you want to spend all your time with them". I'm not really that person but surely there is a desire to see him more often if you do like him this much that you are considering marriage and cohabitating.

I thought that you said that it was suffocating to spend weeknights with a partner.

My questions were over whether I trade the man I actually want, with another man who will never him, but who would be open to living together and getting married.
**
But…you said that you DON’T want to live with someone. I’m really confused.