To persevere with this relationship?

It sounds like that's the type of relationship that works for you. You felt suffocated by someone that wanted more. That's fine. And it's good you've found someone who wants the same. My dad has been with someone 10 years and they see eachother every other weekend. That's who they are.

Well, it is a real relationship, but it’s not going anywhere.
You need to scrutinise what you want. If you’re happy like this, crack on!
If you want kids, someone to lean on when you’re ill, or unhappy at work, or have hit a financial bump in the road, or support when your parents get older and need your help… You are unlikely to get that here, because you barely see each other.

Where do you want your life to be in 5, 10, 15 years’ time?

I know you've said you've both decided to be monogamous, but just giving a bit of an angle from someone who's polyamorous. Solo poly is where you're involved with people, but none are your primary partner, so you don't live with them. One of my partners is this - he doesn't want to live with someone full-time, I stay there a couple of days a week and we do a lot of things together (still talk every day too) but he doesn't want to fully give up his space. It works well for him, though he doesn't want kids which is usually a big consideration behind this.
I do live with one of my partners though, my nesting partner, though if I'd known about polyamory 30 years ago I would have probably been soly poly too.
That's the kind of lifestyle that I'm familiar with, but I have lots of monogamous friends and relatives who do things in a "different" way, such as keeping separate houses while being married. Ultimately if you're both happy with your arrangement, I would keep doing it, but it depends if one of you would like to change something I guess. It took me a long time to settle down and move in with my NP (even though I was monogamous back then) as I didn't want to give my life over completely to someone else, but we've always kept a bit of independence in our lives.

My mum has a friend who met her now husband at 40. They are now in their 70s and have never lived together. They keep their own homes, spend most weekends at one of the houses and go out on a date night in the week. They go on holiday together and separately. She has a static caravan and often goes there for a week. He sometimes joins her.
The fact is it works for them and they are happy with the situation.

So do your friends see this more clearly than you?

I think that’s the crux of the issue here OP. It’s not ‘we’ don’t want to, it’s ‘he’ doesn’t want to. This is probably what your friends know is the truth deep down and why they’re concerned.

Can I ask what’s stopping you from moving in together and getting married?

You mention the ex who made you feel suffocated, but you’ve also talked about the ex you once thought was perfect and could see yourself marrying. Did you ever live together? Was that relationship more conventional, for want of a better phrase?

You obviously care a great deal about your current partner, but you have doubts. Reading your posts, I wondered whether part of the reason you’re staying is that you’d rather be with him than without him, even though it doesn’t quite sound like the future you once imagined for yourself.

I may be completely wrong, but I also wondered whether your experience with the suffocating ex has shifted the benchmark a bit. He clearly wasn’t the right person for you, but I hope that experience hasn’t made you feel you have to choose between being smothered in a relationship and settling for one that doesn’t fulfil your deeper hopes.

You once had a very clear dream of getting married and building a life with someone you felt was your person. If that’s still what you truly want, I hope you don’t lose sight of it or convince yourself that you have to settle for less.

You really don't know what you want at the moment so go with what you feel is right for you now. Carry on seeing your 'friend' & see where it goes or how you feel about him. If you meet someone else give it a go & see how you feel after a few months. It could be that you enjoy the freedom of the relationship you have with guy 1 & don't want to settle down just yet. That may change as you mature so just go with the flow now & see where it takes you but don't hold back dating other men as well, it could be you find 'Mr right' & decide you do want to settle down.

But you don’t want a ‘traditional relationship’. A traditional relationship is where ppl DO want to stay over and see each other and visit family together. Do you want to do this with FWB guy?

Sounds like he ticks all your boxes. Never mind what others say. You are having it all. You time through the week, fun with your friends at weekends and intimacy when you want it. Sounds perfect to me 👌

Echoing PP I don’t think you’d be posting if you were 100% happy.

Honest opinion on your guy as well, I have to agree with the “men are simple creatures” post. In my experience men who are genuinely really into you want to be around you a lot. I had a family member who dated a lovely woman for YEARS and YEARS we all knew the twat was waiting for someone better, he did end up marrying her in the end but honestly she could have done better.

The thing is your relationship is my ideal relationship, I’m married with DC but if my marriage ever failed I would want a relationship like this precisely because it would be easy to back away from and wouldn’t take up much of my time but I would still have access to intimacy.

The reality is he’s been fine with walking away or you walking away several times. This doesn’t mean there isn’t genuine affection here but people who are genuinely in love freak out when they think they are losing their beloved. You were a good second option for a long time and of he meets someone else he will just leave.

But you sound confused about you want, you said you felt suffocated by an ex but that you would love to marry this guy. You didn’t love your ex thats why. I think it’s the dopamine of sporadic contact thats kept you hooked. If you saw him everyday it would wear off. This is a bit like having an affair, theres anticipation and excitement but no real commitment. Thats fine if thats what you want, as I said it would be the relationship format I would favour but thats after already having been married etc. You seem to want more than he’s willing to give.

Are you saying you want more commitment from him or someone new?

Wow you sound needy and hard work can't you be on your own ? why the need for a man at every given opportunity bouncing between the same ones and different ones not a good look

Id move in with each other and see how it goes.

@BeMoreSoThen FWIW, my husband and I were both happy living alone before we moved in together, and we both agree that we could quite happily live separately again while remaining in love and happily married. (Because we may want to live in different places from time to time.)

so my answer would be that if you and he feel the same about each other, there’s no problem. And that’s something only you can answer.

Incidentally, we got married because of a medical crisis which made us think of the administration issues if we weren’t married and didn’t both have wills. Neither of us had thought of getting married until then. But we’re both equally committed to each other.

You do you, your relationship only has to satisfy you and your partner, nobody else. I wish you peace and happiness.

If you are both happy with the arrangement, which you seem to be, I would start giving fairly sharp responses to anyone belittling it. Just because it is not traditional doesn't give other people the right to criticise it/you. After all, you don't want what they have but you don't go round telling them they are boring/staid/just hanging in there until their spouse has an affair or any other negative take on conventional relationships that could feasibly be made.

I’ve been here. You are in love with him but he’s not in love with you. He might care for you very much but he’s not in love with you. I’m sorry. Don’t let him break your heart. Stop the madness. And stop going back to him. Like I did - it just prolongs the inevitable xx

If you're both happy with the set up, equally in love, and have no need or want to change things, then what other people say to you about your relationship will be water off a duck's back. But it's not, because you would like to live with him and for things to be different, but he doesn't want to.

And that is why you're wondering if you should stick with this, or find someone else. If you truly loved him and the set up was what you wanted, this wouldn't be crossing your mind.

Have a look at some of the resources for polyamorous people - relationships that don't look like 'standard' relationships are really common within that community. "Relationship escalator" is a good term to look up.

Am not suggesting you stop being monogamous - that's working for the two of you, but somewhere to look for books / articles etc for people doing relationships differently.

You might try setting some boundaries with your friends: this is your relationship, it isn't abusive and you don't want to hear any more judgemental comments about how you and your partner choose to structure your lives. Sometimes long running relationships do end, but at this point the longevity of your relationship is something you can point to - "yes, this has been working for us for a very long time".

It sounds an ideal relationship to me, but I’m in my mid 60s. I don’t have the bonding hormones that I had when I was younger, and this would now suit me fine. I have dated recently but now find men to be too needy and wanting to spend more time with me……. Er, no thank you!

I have several single friends that are now doing it in their very late 50's and early 60's.

No children and have lovely homes that they simply have no interest or intention of giving up, as they have such busy independent lives and it works.

They are now in long term committed relationships but are not living together and will not move.

Two are with men with adult children that do not live with them, and they get on very well as Dad's girlfriend.
They get invited to family things regularly, but don't accept everything as they are simply too busy.
Both suspect their boundaries on this have significantly helped them to have such a warm friendship with the children.

One other friend is with a widowed man without children, whom also loves his home and space, and they enjoy all the bits without the tedium.
She is an amazing cook and he is a natural DIYer and her house and garden are now incredible, whilst she would rather cook a fabulous meal than do these things.
They are all very independent people but very much together.

Not every devoted relationship follows a traditional path.