AIBU to think stepson's holiday questions were tone deaf and unkind?

I guess you can tell your teen son that he might not have traveled as much as his stepbrother but, on the other hand, unlike his stepbrother, he wasn't abandoned by this father.

Back in the day many French people didn’t holiday outside France because, in their view, France had everything they needed; sea, mountains, nature so why would they go anywhere else?

Your DSS sounds as though he’s trying to score points and have a dig at you. Possibly jealous that your kids are the product of a stable marriage. Ignore him and move on.

I’m sure dss, if given the choice, would have preferred to have had his DF in his life rather than have had a few holidays…..seems like maybe his mother took him on lots of holidays to compensate for his father not being around. 🤷‍♀️

He is a nearly thirty year old man. He is well travelled - but that is what your twenties are for? I went to the states, Canada, Asia, Australia and just about every European city, I had a tiny mortgage, no kids and a good job.

your husband was a shit dad - let him boast about the good life he has built despite that.

My ds is about to turn 22, & has a similar country count to your dss. He’s spent his gap year & a good chunk of his holidays during 3 years at uni travelling, volunteering, TESOLing & doing all manner of weird work to stay projects. All self funded by tutoring online in term time & festival catering jobs & similar in the vacations.

I would just tell your dc that yes indeed their half siblings have done all sorts of travelling, because they are adults, & isn’t it exciting that they too can look forward to exploring the world?

Unless your H is bankrolling his older ds & the gf, which frankly seems…unlikely…they are young adults funding & arranging their own travel. Good for them.

Also, your H is a dick. He was in the UK & his kids were in Italy? Come on. Wizzair do flights for less than a hundred quid. He could have had them over every school holiday & visited for the occasional weekend.

Teen says insensitive stuff…. Yes it was thoughtless….no it isn’t worth raising, except with your own dc to reassure them.

I don't think they are either, I never said they were. What I am saying is that I think that's how she feels, because she generally takes them on holiday to France rather than to a variety of other places.

I'm not saying she should take them elsewhere. As I've already said, I've hardly taken my own children anywhere. My oldest is nearly ten and has only been on a plane three times.

My point is that the OP has reacted so strongly that she feels her stepson needs "a talking to." That makes me wonder if she's experiencing some mum guilt about not having taken her children to more places or on more holidays.

That's simply how I'm interpreting the post. I could be wrong, and I'm not claiming my interpretation is the correct one. I'm also not saying she's failing to provide enough for her children, in fact, I think she does a lot for them. I just think that such a strong reaction suggests she may not feel she's doing enough herself, even if that's not actually the case.

Yup. We have higher outgoings than we used to, so we've travelled less over the last couple of years than we have before. DS (14) just gets on with it.

DH and his first wife divorced, his wife wanted to move back to Italy with the children, he wanted to move to the uk for a job opportunity, it resulted in big arguments and eventually he agreed just for peace as any court order would have kept them both in France which neither of them wanted.

Thats a part explanation of what happened but doesn’t explain why your DH didn’t keep in touch with his children. Did he not phone them up? Text? Write letters? Go and visit them for a weekend? During the school holidays? Didn’t he invite them to stay with him in England? Why not?

The fact his 29 year old son has now spent time and money to come and see him play at being happy families with other children is quite something. How does the 29 year old feel about that? Has his dad asked him?

I wouldn’t be blaming the 29 year old here to be honest. He could easily walk away and delete his dad’s number and that would be that.

A lot of people who travel frequently are very tone deaf regarding other people’s opportunities. I don’t think it’s even ill intended, just purely tone deaf.

My own DD has traveled extensively and I haven’t - recently she was appalled to realise I hadn’t been anywhere in 2 years. Nevermind that I’m a single parent and work FT so that I can give her the opportunity to go wherever she wants…………

Maybe he was stirring the pot or maybe he is just a young man who has grown up in Europe and is used to travelling because if you live in mainland Europe it would be strange not. He probably has zero interest in your family and your travel plans and was just making polite conversation but you are sensitive about it.

Oh, and if a dad who had dipped in and out of my life thought he could "say something" because my stepmother, who I hardly know, had taken offence at something I'd said, I'd tell him where to get off.

So he'd have no idea where you and your children would have or have not been, and just (clumsily) expressed this?

I can't see there's a major problem here. Are you sure you're not pissed off that your children haven't had quite the opportunities your husband's older ones have, and are taking it out on them instead of him? Maybe you're a bit embarrassed that, while he was raising your children, he was neglecting his others.

Europeans tend not to realise how expensive it is to travel from the U.K. to Europe, especially during the school holidays.

If he’s young and comes from a middle-class European family he also won’t have any idea of the different ratio between average salaries and costs here.

It would be highly offensive if an English person had said this but it isn’t in a European context. These are cultural differences in action.

I’d just ignore them.
I have never taken my children to the country of my birth, they have never been on a plane (until August!) and have only been out of the country once on a cruise, paid for by my brother in law to visit Sweden. Meanwhile I’ve been to Gibraltar, Portugal, Sweden, Belgium, Germany, France, Ireland, Italy, Norway, Prague, Hong Kong, Vietnam and most of these I have either lived there or been multiple times.
Doesn’t make a difference!!

They have different lives and different expectations, just visiting other countries isn't the be all and end all of life.

Just say nah, Italy is shit.

I think it is. It stank in Rome, I got constantly groped and did I mention it stank? Of bums and willies on buses especially

After reading the background, it's your husband who's been tone deaf and unkind.

Your husband dumped his kids for a job.

This is where you stay out of the way. You didn't help raise him, you're not his stepmom, you're his father's wife. Oldest son might resent your husband, but they're good enough to come and visit their dad and their younger sibs to maintain some kind of relationship even though they might have very mixed feelings about him. So stay out of it.

You think your husband's son is tone deaf and unkind talking about traveling, 🙄. Your husband left his kids and went no contact for some years for money. That will never be forgotten.

Tell your teen the truth, you don't have the money to go elsewhere and Italy is a lot more central than the UK so easier to get all over.

YABU it sounds like a perfectly normal conversation comparing experiences.
Considering your DP abandoned them it's nice that they can try to get to know their half siblings now.

Sounds like really all the travel is because of mum and then them being adults. So at least dh is consistent in not really taking his children anywhere 🤷🏻‍♀️

Depends on your circumstances I think. Eg if one of your children is homeschooled or one of you is a carer for one of them, it wouldn’t be surprising to not be well travelled if a one income family. But even if not and 2 normal - good incomes, some people just aren’t as into holidays so each to their own and tactless to infer superiority over it.

Your teenage children are old enough to be told the truth behind why they aren't as well travelled as their older brother.

Your step-son is 29 years old, he's had plenty of time to travel. He also had opportunities as a child, due to his Mum taking him to other countries. Your children haven't had the exact same opportunities, because your circumstances are different, to that of your husband and his first wife.

As for your step-son, I wouldn't be rising to the bait. It may have well been a dig at you and his Dad. You need to ignore the comment and be the bigger person. Asking your husband to speak to his son, means he knows he's gotten a rise from you, and he's likely to make further digs. You need to remain calm and indifferent.

It’s a weird idea that older and younger children should have had the same experiences…just by being older DSS will have experienced more.

Maybe he was trying to understand the lives his siblings had led? In normal circumstances he would have known about all their holidays because they would have been in contact. Who created the distance OP?

She's the one wanting the DH to have a word, which he has no right to do.

As for the person who said he might have deep regrets. Boo-effin-hoo. He created two families and is in the garden while they pick at each other's scabs. Not sure I'll save any pity for him.