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Original poster

DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

641 replies

diabolicalbanana · 20/07/2026 14:53

Long term DP relationship is good and we’re planning to buy a house together soon. He’s been away dog sitting for the last 2 weeks which has made me feel a bit distant from him and I’m not the best with messaging. But basically he came over yesterday after seeing me on Friday.

I was naked in a towel when he came as I was out the shower and he was on the bed wanting a cuddle which I wasn’t keen for (wanted to get dressed) he playfully pulled me onto him which was fine and we were laughing he was touching me but then my towel was slipping too much and he was getting a good look at my body but I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs so I panicked and twisted but the way he held me meant I had to twist so my bottom half went straight to his face!!! You can imagine my panic as was stark naked and I saw him get a good look.

I felt really embarrassed and upset especially because about a week or 2 ago a similar thing happened where I’d been without underwear under my dress (hot day) and all fine playing joking but then he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up so again when I panicked and tried to get free I twisted off the chair and ended up him holding me legs akimbo naked!! I had told
him I’m not ok with this.

so I said to him quite clearly do not do that again if you do then we’re done which I was a bit rash saying but I was upset and felt humiliated to be honest. I said I’m not cuddling you for the rest of the day (half joking but I didn’t want him to touch me) Well he then went into a bit of a strop with me and said I’d annoyed him. We had a nice day but he refused to cuddle or kiss me - he said as punishment for what I’d said, which I did want as I’ve hardly seen him and wanted to feel close.

when he went back to dog sitting he messaged saying how I’d turned him down and lost out today on sex as well. He’s meant to be coming back to mine today and I didn’t want it hanging over us so I said well I can make up for it. He said how? I was busy and don’t like sexting (didn’t have any ideas tbh!) so I tried to be vague sort of we’ll see.

he then said I would have to make up for what I’d done before he would come back! I said I hope you’re not being serious and he said deadly serious! I said well you’re not giving any ideas he then sent me a list of options including a video of how much I love him and saying sorry for being silly, various nudes, a voice note all the reasons I love him or the special option which was a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven.

  1. he is well aware ive neves been comfortable sending nudes.
  2. I didn’t even want sex at that point.

I said im not comfortable doing that and he said what any of it? He said he just wanted a bit of fun and I said it’s not fun for me being pressured into doing things I don’t want to do. His last message was that he never pressured me.

situation now is neither of us have messaged each other. I’m worried am I boring and have I been unfair? Should I have tried to be a bit fun? But also I feel like the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me and I would not have enjoyed them I don’t like sending nudes certainly not videos I find it degrading.

OP posts:
Newstartplease24 · 21/07/2026 07:27

He is truly awful.

so many red flags - including the OP saying if anything, she’s more into sex than him.

she’s not a prude. She’s a woman with a healthy sexual appetite, who is with a porn addled man who needs to humiliate and push boundaries to be stimulated.

all this nonsense about sending porny pictures - he knows you prefer not to, that’s the point.

lying about not pressuring you.

withholding sex that you want, to feel close, because he only wants to feel dominant.

I hate him.

op, you have a massive failure of logic. You can’t convince yourself he’s ok because “he's your last chance”.

First of all, he isnt.
Secondly, if he was, how would that make him ok? Just because there was no one else in your future? He isn’t ok if he’s the last man on earth!

Hollycoco · 21/07/2026 07:25

SingleTwigPigeonNest · 20/07/2026 21:57

The first time your partner tipped you over so you were exposed and this caused you to panic…any normal person would have immediately let go, helped you up, and made sure you were okay.
Instead, while you struggled to get free, he continued holding your legs until you ended up in an even more vulnerable and exposed position. This is already pretty disturbing behaviour…but you told him verbally, explicitly, that you were not okay with this, and that should have been the last time anything like that happened.

But just two weeks later you were in a towel, reluctant to have a cuddle before getting dressed…so he ignored your reluctance and pulled you on top of him anyway.
Sure, you then decided to go along with it at first…but when you started to struggle to get away he wouldn’t let you go, and he grabbed your legs again.
Just like last time, you panicked and twisted trying to get free, and just like last time he saw you panicking and struggling and still didn’t let go.
For the second time in two weeks you found yourself restrained, in an exposed position, which you’d been manhandled into against your will.

I can’t understand how anyone is suggesting OP is unreasonable for feeling degraded by this. There’s a world of difference between nudity as part of consensual sex, and being physically manhandled into a position you don’t want to be in, when you were trying to escape, with a man physically restraining you so he can stare at your genitals without your consent.

Trying to finish on your face when you’d told him not to, and requesting nudes, are more examples of him attempting to make you engage in acts you’ve already told him you do not consent to. Withholding affection as a punishment is a tactic used by abusive men, and it’s pretty shocking that he openly told you that this was what he was doing.

He knows about your past, and saying he “just wanted a bit of fun” when you said you weren’t comfortable with his “suggestions” (he already knew you wouldn’t be) was designed to trigger old insecurities; he was trying to make you worry that you’re boring. You’re not boring: this is a revolting manipulation tactic designed to make you override your own boundaries and do whatever he wants.

Telling you he hadn’t pressured you, after all of this, is a piss poor attempt at gaslighting.

Your feelings around this are totally fair. What kind of disgusting man feels their partner trying to get away from them, can see they’re panicking, and still keeps a tight enough hold that they can’t get free? What kind of predatory asshole then holds a clearly frightened woman with her legs spread, obviously against her will!? His behaviour is a HUGE red flag and, if anything, you’ve under-reacted. Trust your instincts. This man is not safe. Do not have sex with him again, talk to friends in real life about this, get some support, and get rid of him as soon as you can.

Really well written. This is exactly what happened. @diabolicalbanana please read this carefully and understand that you are not over reacting. And ignore people derailing the thread, who are not understanding why someone who has previously been the victim of abuse doesn’t understand your insecurities around being naked.

Oscillating · 21/07/2026 07:13

PunnyPlumPanda · 21/07/2026 06:17

Absolutely wouldn’t bother me

my husband been down there loads and seen it tons. Plus it’s a beautiful part of our bodies. I’m proud of mine.

Show quote history

Even if you'd said no?

You'd be fine for your daughter to come to you and say "my boyfriend upset me, I said no and he tried to carry on"

You'd be "oh love get over yourself, it shouldn't bother you"???

RampantIvy · 21/07/2026 06:52

JoJuniorShabadoo · 21/07/2026 04:23

He saw you naked? And that's a problem?

You haven't read the OP's updates. That's a problem.

This man is vile.

Thepossibility · 21/07/2026 06:49

BeeHive909 · 20/07/2026 17:25

Until you sort out your issues with sex and also your body you shouldn’t be in a relationship. This isn’t the right relationship for you but you also shouldn’t be In one at the moment anyway. This guy has seen you and your vagina probably like a thousand times he knows what it looks like. End the relationship and pull out of the house sale.

Ridiculous comment. Just because someone has seen your vagina before doesn't mean they get to overpower you and have a look whenever they want. It's HER body. You're making out like she is the problem here which is very concerning.
Not letting men do whatever they want with your body whenever they please doesn't mean someone has issues that they need to fix. Bloody hell.

EverytimeItPours · 21/07/2026 06:47

He’s disgusting op. His text messages are awful, all that “haha” and “🤣” to try and make it light hearted whilst he’s lying to you about it being a joke and trying to get you to do things you don’t want to do. Please leave him

RampantIvy · 21/07/2026 06:34

PunnyPlumPanda · 21/07/2026 06:17

Absolutely wouldn’t bother me

my husband been down there loads and seen it tons. Plus it’s a beautiful part of our bodies. I’m proud of mine.

Show quote history

Read the OP's updates. This man is vile.

Sherararara · 21/07/2026 06:28

What a tale.

PunnyPlumPanda · 21/07/2026 06:17

diabolicalbanana · 20/07/2026 15:21

We are talking him sitting half up on a bed, me lying across him then him grabbing under my legs so picture being completely naked and being tipped almost upside down your legs apart and centimetres from his face while you’re struggling would you be happy with that? It’s not a flattering view is it?!! I can’t be the only person who wouldn’t be ok with that

Show quote history

Absolutely wouldn’t bother me

my husband been down there loads and seen it tons. Plus it’s a beautiful part of our bodies. I’m proud of mine.

PunnyPlumPanda · 21/07/2026 06:16

But you should dump him!

but also love yourself! I’m sure you’re stunning. Love yourself!

PunnyPlumPanda · 21/07/2026 06:15

diabolicalbanana · 20/07/2026 15:21

We are talking him sitting half up on a bed, me lying across him then him grabbing under my legs so picture being completely naked and being tipped almost upside down your legs apart and centimetres from his face while you’re struggling would you be happy with that? It’s not a flattering view is it?!! I can’t be the only person who wouldn’t be ok with that

Show quote history

I’m so sorry

im so confused. I think he behaved horrifically and he’s be gone before his arse even hit the door

but you don’t want him to see your crotch up close?

you have sex with him. He’s seen it all before.

rollonxmas · 21/07/2026 06:01

rollonxmas · 21/07/2026 05:57

This reads like it was written by someone very young and inexperienced. How old are you both?

Gosh, seen your updates. Get out, he’s dangerous

rollonxmas · 21/07/2026 05:57

This reads like it was written by someone very young and inexperienced. How old are you both?

kkloo · 21/07/2026 04:56

ForeverNowWithin · 21/07/2026 04:19

This is a long term partner and a man you are about to buy a house with. You don't feel comfortable with him 'getting a good look' at your naked body and you are desperately trying to cling onto a towel to stop you from feeling vulnerable naked. That's not normal. It's a red flag.

He seems to have some weird obsession with manhandling you, up-ending you, grabbing your legs and arms and wrestling you to the point that you start to panic and have to twist and contort to get away from him. That's not normal. It's a red flag.

I think you should re-think this relationship.

Many people are fine with their partner seeing them naked during sex but that doesn't mean they're comfortable with their partner seeing them naked in uncomfortable or awkward positions where they hadn't intended to be naked, that's not a red flag at all.

All the red flags are his.

kkloo · 21/07/2026 04:53

JoJuniorShabadoo · 21/07/2026 04:23

He saw you naked? And that's a problem?

Oh stop it.
It's not about him seeing her naked. Stop minimizing.

babasaclover · 21/07/2026 04:44

diabolicalbanana · 20/07/2026 15:06

We’ve been living together for about 9 months and usually we have a good sex life if anything usually he’s less interested than me?! But I feel like his respect for me has slipped a bit like another example is a couple of weeks ago he wanted to ‘finish’ on my face. I was really super clear saying no I do not want that. We had sex and he tried to do it anyway I stopped him and said no I don’t want that he then went in a major mood and next day said I wasn’t thoughtful about him. He claimed it was linked to me asking him to drive us somewhere but I felt like it was coincidental after not letting him cum
on me like if id let him do that he’d have been fine. And yes of course this is real!

He’s gaslighting you. Noone enjoys having their partner come on their face. It’s a porn thing only. You are not boring.

JoJuniorShabadoo · 21/07/2026 04:23

He saw you naked? And that's a problem?

ForeverNowWithin · 21/07/2026 04:19

This is a long term partner and a man you are about to buy a house with. You don't feel comfortable with him 'getting a good look' at your naked body and you are desperately trying to cling onto a towel to stop you from feeling vulnerable naked. That's not normal. It's a red flag.

He seems to have some weird obsession with manhandling you, up-ending you, grabbing your legs and arms and wrestling you to the point that you start to panic and have to twist and contort to get away from him. That's not normal. It's a red flag.

I think you should re-think this relationship.

Mudflaps · 21/07/2026 03:51

diabolicalbanana · 20/07/2026 20:36

the reason I’ve said it’s last chance is because I honestly don’t think I could ever trust someone else ever again

If I knew you I'd want to give you a motherly hug and assure you that you are worth so much more than that little prick. He is physically, sexually and emotionally abusive, he hid it for quite a considerable time but his true colours are starting to show. If you choose to stay with him it will get worse. Please think strongly about moving on without him. Every one is entitled to whatever privacy they want regarding their body at any time, it can change from day to day, even minute to minute and that is fine.
I was extremely confident about my body for many years but I'm older, fatter, flabbier and wrinkled now and my husband sees my naked body when I decide, not any other time. He has never behaved in the manner of your partner because he's a decent person and unfortunately the scummy fucker you're currently with, is not a decent person. Please totally ignore the posters questioning why his actions bother you, they should bother you, I'm glad they bother you, it means you are aware of your boundaries and the fact that he's abusive. Please get rid of him asap. Then some counselling and time without dating. Again, you are worth more. He is a prick. You are beautiful and have the body of a goddess but he is not entitled to that body, any access has to be granted willingly and enthusiastically by you, if its in any other way its abuse. Sweety, take my virtual hug and know there are women out here who know what you mean, how you feel and can assure you that you are better off without him.

Chickadee26 · 21/07/2026 03:34

You are not suited for each other.

I'd throw that one back in.

MaryFromGlasgow · 21/07/2026 03:18

He sounds gross. Dump him.

If you enjoyed the fight but said no - him pouting would still be gross. (from somebody who likes to consensually “playfight” as foreplay)

You’ve told him you don’t like it and his pouting is vile!

Sereine · 21/07/2026 03:07

diabolicalbanana · 20/07/2026 17:18

Obviously it’s not that easy just to leave someone who is living with you and you’re making mortgage appointments and everything and they know all your family/joint plans etc it’s quite a big thing to do

Why? You've had the sense to keep your finances separate. If your house is yours, tell him it's over, change the locks and make arrangements to send his stuff round to somewhere where he can collect it. If it's his, pack your bags and leave.

CrazyMidget · 21/07/2026 02:59

OP, this is totally disgusting. Basically, he forcibly holds you with your legs apart so he can look at you. There aren't enough vomit emojis.

Not only that, he dismisses your feelings and makes you feel that YOU have to apologise to HIM. And you're not even trapped with him yet! Believe you me, it will get a lot worse the moment he thinks he has you trapped.

Dump him brutally, hard and fast. This little fucker needs to learn some respect. 😡

And totally ignore the posters expressing faux shock that you don't feel comfortable prancing around naked in front of him in broad daylight with your legs akimbo. Your body, your choice. You felt uncomfortable and that's the end of it. It doesn't matter what other posters think. If they want to bend over in broad daylight with the sun illuminating what they had for breakfast, good for them. Doesn't mean you have to.

He is sexually bullying you, and I feel sorry for you. Get yourself a gentler man.

smooththecat · 21/07/2026 01:52

diabolicalbanana · 20/07/2026 15:17

Can I just clarify do you think it’s reasonable that I was upset about the thing with the towel would other people have reacted the same way as me? Because he’s made me feel like I was out of order for threatening to end it if he does that again and being upset about it. He said that I put it in his face not him but I was twisting as it was the only way I could get out of his hold on my legs

There are some weird responses. It’s reasonable. He’s pinning you down and restricting your movement. He’s held your legs open against your will. If it’s not part of what you do together he’s a fucking cunt at best, sorry.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 21/07/2026 00:48

Trust me, it's a lot easier to just cancel mortgage broker appointments, than it is to sell a house that you've bought with someone you now want to split up from.

Heed our warnings, do not buy a house with him.

He's a creep, you'd be happier after dumping him.