DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

I think though when you’re living with a sex pest and pervert who will abuse your boundaries, it’s important to have your knickers on in future, in hot weather it really doesn’t make you any hotter, and put clothes on if you don’t want him looking if he catches you naked.

you should never have to do this and should trust the man who proclaims to love you to respect your boundaries, but he doesn’t, as such you need to assume he’s going to do it again,the first opportunity he gets and humiliate you as often as he can.

so it’s either always get dressed and wear knickers, or kick the weirdo out. I know which I’d chose.

You are right and not at all unreasonable. Many, or even most women being comfortable with their partner seeing them naked in good lighting is irrelevant. No means no. Every relationship is different. He knows you. He knew you didn’t want it. And the way he behaved after the event was disgusting. With his attitude, he is not someone you can have long term happiness with. It’s good you found out now, rather than after the house purchase. 💐

Oh wow! This whole story is crazy. YANBU at all. He’s a nutcase. Get rid.

Those messages are like something a 16 year old would write.

Vomit inducing. Is this what men think women like?!

Id be repulsed by him tooo, its not you, its him.

I would be checking his browsing history.

Exactly. Reminds me of the tactics creepy men pull on young teens that just happen to get within hands reach. Yuck.

You know he wasn't joking right? And he's still blaming you. Now it's your fault because you can't take a joke. He's not a good man and you need to get away from him.
He's already got you not knowing if you're coming or going, he'll only get worse as time goes on. You won't tell anyone IRL because you know they'll tell you to get away from him. He's already isolating you and gaslighting you.
Please get away from him..
You say you're staying with him because you can't trust anyone else but how the hell can you trust him? He doesn't respect your boundaries, sends you punishments because you got upset when he crossed a line, makes you apologise (no idea what you're apologising for) and then tells you it was a joke, despite him telling you he was totally serious.
The only joke is him, I just hope you see that and dump him

There is a gigantic difference between your DP seeing you up close during consensual sex, and your DP grabbing you, manhandling your naked body while you try to get away from him, and forcing you into a position where he can shove his face right next to your exposed genitals for his own sexual gratification WHEN YOU HAVE ALREADY TOLD HIM YOU HATE THIS BEHAVIOUR.

TBH I couldn't get past his spelling and grammar!

He's trying to make you do something against your will, OP. When you object he blames you. The fact that another woman might want to do those things is nothing to do with it - you don't and he is pushing you into it.

I can see that you are wondering whether it's you as otherwise it's two men in a row who don't respect your boundaries, but I promise you it's not you - it's them.

Not just being tipped upside down against your will, it’s also how he behaved afterwards- telling her she’ll be PUNISHED for having boundaries unless she sends him a video of herself apologising and/or humiliating herself! Jesus Christ!!!

I don't think using disparaging language about mental health in relation to the OP was helpful.

It's not about the nudity.

being tipped almost upside down your legs apart and centimetres from his face while you’re struggling

Did you miss the part where he forced her into this position against her will? The part where she asked him to stop? The part where he did something similar again?

I'd be furious.

Ugh. He sounds like a porn-addled dickhead. YANBU and need to dump.

Yes, @diabolicalbanana, take a screenshot of this post and keep re-reading it.

Yes.

'I was only joking'

Sure, buddy.

I am hoping you've already dumped him, OP.

There's no such thing as 'my last chance'. I've got a friend in her seventies who's just met a new bloke.

And all those doing the 'ha ha, this is a wind up/kids are out of school' - well, so what if it is? Just think of all those women who might find themselves in a similar situation and go looking for advice, and come across these posts and answers. The advice is the same and given in good faith.

There are better men out there. The trick to finding them is recognising the wrong ‘uns, like this one, and ending the relationship.

Do you know what the “sunk costs fallacy” is? If you imagine that you’re playing poker, and you’ve made some bets, but you know that you’ve got a bad hand. You could fold, lose the money you’ve already bet, and then you wouldn’t lose any more. Or you could throw good money after bad, for no better reason than you’ve already bet the first lot.

Even though it’s the stupidest thing to do, most of us feel compelled to keep going after we’ve made even a small investment. It’s a huge principle of marketing, sales etc and it’s a big problem in relationships too.

You’re at a point where you’re literally about to make another bet - getting financially locked in with this man in a mortgage.

From the outside I’m here yelling STOP! But on the inside it probably feels more like being caught up in a strong current. You can stop. You can end this. Or at the very least, you can press pause.

He isn’t the last man on earth. Although you’re making him that by deciding you’ll never have another relationship. Do you hear that word “never”? It’s an absolute, like “always” and “every” and when those kind of words are high in our thoughts, we’ve slipped into black and white thinking.

It isn’t this man or no man ever. It isn’t this relationship or a lifetime of loneliness.

The problem is that he’s blocking your view of life’s possibilities. Life without an abuser is so completely different it’s nearly impossible to imagine when you’re caught up with one.

What do you need to leave him?

You are not in the wrong here, he is.
Please don't tie yourself to him by buying a house together. Don't let him pressure you.
He's testing the waters to se how much he can get away with, they don't get better they get worse.
Take the freedom program others have mentioned and hold onto your own rules of what you will and won't put up with. He's overstepping and will say whatever he thinks you need to hear to get you back on side.

She didn’t consent and was struggling to get away. You are an abuse apologist and should be ashamed of yourself.

Ugh just read all your updates, telling you YOU are the one that needs to crawl for forgiveness when he violated your consent boundary is nauseating. You told him you don't like that. He's been watching too much porn. Fuck this guy.

This is very controlling and weird. If you are only 2 years in I would get out now it will only get worse if you are trapped in a house with him.

The words and language used by @BornToBeWithYourMan is accurate and spot on.

He acts like an abusive sex pest that's addicted to porn. A freaky, looney, immature twat waffle.

You are spectacularly missing the point. It doesn’t matter that it wouldn’t bother you. The poster said that it bothers her - and he kept on doing things to her that she has said she isn’t comfortable with, her ignores her and tries to do them anyway, then sulks and tries to punish her.

How can you think that’s ok.

If there was something that you didn’t feel comfortable with sexually (you think of something that you would feel really against doing) and you told your partner no, but they did it anyway, more than once, and then told you they were just joking……… would you be ok with that? If you were forced to do something sexually that you didn’t want to do, but everyone else on mumsnet likes to do that thing you don’t enjoy, does that mean he’s allowed to force you to do it against your wishes? Honestly?