DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

Oh my dear, there is NOTHING wrong with you. There is a world of difference between being naked with your lover in a pleasant and loving environment vs being manhandled and unwillingly exposed.

I think YOU need to change the way you think about this. You use the word "punishment" in your title. But that infers authority. This man has NO authority to punish you. What he's doing is retaliation. And it's both manipulative and childish.

Secondly, you don't need to post screenshots. It's almost like you feel you have to expose yourself to us - strangers on the Internet. Don't worry about trolling accusations - I believe you, and so do plenty of others here.

Hard as it is, you need to leave this man. He doesn't support you. He doesn't try to build your confidence. Quite the reverse, he wants you to debase yourself - and that's not healthy.
At the very least, PLEASE put a hold on plans to buy a house together.

Do not buy a house with this guy!! Him twisting it so that you end up apologising to him his manipulative. My husband would be mortified if I felt physically threatened by him and I am open minded when it comes to sex I’m no prude . He’s getting a thrill out of crossing your boundaries and that is never acceptable ever . Get out of this relationship and find a loving man that makes you feel comfortable with him . This idea that you are boring is his manipulation, does he should get himself a doll .

Yes!

Since there are STILL PPs who do not seem to understand the concept of consent, I am going to quote the original quote here again:

"Just because someone has seen your vagina before doesn't mean they get to overpower you and have a look whenever they want. It's HER body. You're making out like she is the problem here which is very concerning.
Not letting men do whatever they want with your body whenever they please doesn't mean someone has issues that they need to fix. Bloody hell."

NO ONE has the right to see your breasts, vagina, or anus, or any part of you, no matter whether you're married, you've fucked a 1000 times, or he has seen your bits 1000s of time before. If you don't want him to see something, he has NO RIGHT to trick/force/bully/harass/guilt you into showing it.

It's called bodily autonomy.

Consent should be asked for in EVERY new situation. And it can be refused and withdrawn at ANY moment, including just before the man comes. If the man does not stop, he is a rapist.

I obviously need to link the Tea and Consent video for the many many PPs here who remain confused:

https://www.google.com/search?q=tea+video+consent&rlz=1C1OZZY_enFR1221FR1221&oq=tea+video&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUqBwgAEAAYgAQyBwgAEAAYgAQyBggBEEUYOTIHCAIQABiABDIHCAMQABiABDIHCAQQABiABDIHCAUQABiABDIHCAYQABiABDIHCAcQABiABDIHCAgQABiABDIHCAkQABiABNIBCDE3ODFqMWo3qAIAsAIA&sourceid=chrome&source=chrome.ob&ie=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:b497b738,vid:oQbei5JGiT8,st:0

People usually call others a prude to justify their own actions.
He's manipulative.
He's disrespectful.
He's pushed over your boundaries. You've told him no but he keeps pushing. He's a bully.
His texts are disgusting.

You're not boring. You have self respect and should only do what you feel comfortable with. That would be beside the point anyway because the behaviour hes showing in all of the above is completely wrong.

Be thankful, you've experienced this side of him, not once but twice, before moving in together. Red flags all over. Keep respecting yourself and dump him.

This really isn’t normal. If you buy a house together it will only get much worse. Leave while you can. He is deeply strange

It’s 100% reasonable you were upset. You get to choose who touches you and has access to your body at all times. He has diminished this and will continue to diminish it. He's taking advantage of your decency and good nature which means you’re taking what he says seriously and trying to work out if you did do anything wrong, which you did absolutely did not. He’s using your reasonableness to push you into submitting to him. He will never acknowledge that he did anything wrong here or on the other occasions because he is not reasonable or decent. He’s got you tied in knots justifying yourself on a tiny detail when the bigger picture is that this was his doing. He’s controlling and believes that sexual assault is acceptable. That’s what he did to you.

Sunk cost fallacy. Someone else mentioned this and it’s exactly what I thought of:

• This is NOT your last chance at a relationship.
• However, if you do make moves to leave him, he will absolutely make you feel like it is to make you feel trapped.
• Even if it were (which it isn’t), you’d be better off single than with this dangerous, abusive man.
• You are young with time to meet someone else many times over and time to start a family if you wish.
• If you stay, his behaviours will get worse. You may stay forever and have a horrible life, or you may waste five or ten more years with him - imagine then how you’d feel about wasted time compared to now.

The gambling analogy someone gave above is very good. Do not throw good money after bad, so to speak. You cannot ‘win’ or get a good outcome by staying in this relationship. It’s like staying in a house that’s burning down. You will only harm yourself.

Hi op I think because of your past experience you might be more inclined to say no but he needs to know what is acceptable he can’t sulk and then punish you by degrading you. You seem to also be bothered about failure of the relationship your happiness is the most important thing here he might not be on the same as you because he keeps pushing you for something you have said you don’t want to do especially the nudes. Also you might think he wouldn’t share but never say never I’m sure there are a lot of women who thought this but it happened to them.

OP, I’m sad to read all your updates and, like many women, you seem to have little to no awareness of what a decent bloke is, and also little to no agency in a situation you are not comfortable with.

Your ‘partner’ sound like he has no respect for your wishes or boundaries and no interest in your happiness.

I sincerely hope you wake up to what’s going on here and realise you probably should end things with this selfish bloke.

Calling abuse incompatibility is dangerous to victims.

@diabolicalbanana 'I am wondering about abusive men, are they abusive to every woman they get in a relationship with as in is this him now for life with anyone he’s with? I’m his only ever long term relationship and person he’s gone this far with in terms of living together I’m just wondering because for so many years I would never conceive of him acting like this, so is it something in me that’s triggered this or something innate in him that’s showing up?'

There is a reason he's never had another long term relationship. It won't just be because he's not good at being emotionally vulnerable. But yes, he's clearly having issues handling conflict here. He's trying to push through your boundaries. That is screaming 'inability to handle conflict' in addition to 'no respect for his partner' and also 'abuser'. He might not be able to verbalise his emotions but he's excellent at verbalising how he wants you to do things that you have already explained are triggers for you.

My paragraph is a very long winded way of saying that it's not you, it's him despite your triggers, hang-ups and issues.

There is ALWAYS a reason someone is living the way they are. I can't handle commitment and always pick unsuitable/unreasonable people so I don't have to commit. My ex was rigid and unable to compromise with his partners, meaning he wanted his own way all the time and everyone he had a relationship with got fed up with his selfishness and left.

I am wondering about abusive men, are they abusive to every woman they get in a relationship with as in is this him now for life with anyone he’s with? I’m his only ever long term relationship and person he’s gone this far with in terms of living together I’m just wondering because for so many years I would never conceive of him acting like this, so is it something in me that’s triggered this or something innate in him that’s showing up?

It’s you, but only in the sense that you’re the only woman who has stayed with him this long. Others, with a different relationship history, may have spotted the red flags much earlier and either dropped him, or avoided getting involved in the first place.

The Freedom Programme is really excellent at helping you see patterns that you’ve normalised, and rethink attitudes and behaviours that you wouldn’t have questioned.

TheShark Cage Metaphor is long, but worth a read.

And the classic is Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That? which he made available on pdf because it’s too important not to know this stuff.

Op he is vile! As a pp suggested, please contact women’s aid and ask to be put on the freedom programme. You will learn all about the subtle tactics used by abusers in the early days of a relationship, if you can learn to spot the signs you can escape before they trap you with a mortgage/baby. So many red flags in his behaviour. It’s nothing to do with sexual hang ups or intimacy, it’s the lack of consent that’s the problem. I feel from your later comments you aren’t going to leave him because a group of strangers on the internet told you to. But please, please do not buy a house with this man. Trust me, you’ll regret it. I’ve left the abuser, done the freedom programme and now I’m staying happily single.

This. Dump him now or this will worsen.

Urghhhh I have the serious ick. He sounds like the kind of man who thinks it’s ok to take what he wants from a woman. Fuck that, get rid now.

’lost out today on sex’
good god, there’s not a national cock shortage!
does he think he is your only option?!
Jumped up weirdo, just block him!

I've just seen your screenshots of the messages between you and UGH - he is utterly vile. I can't get past his shitty writing either.

He clearly sees you as someone to empty his load in to and on to (if he could!) and appears to have zero respect for your bodily autonomy, boundaries, feelings...anything at all. This is NOT a man to be planning a life with.

Just walk away, he doesn't respect or even appear to like you. Given the context of everything you've said - you are NOT boring, he is disgusting.

This is not the point here. That is a separate issue entirely. The issue is the way in which he responded to her boundaries both during and after.

He sounds vile. I can't see how you can even like him let alone love him. I'd bin him off. If he's like this now he'll only get worse over time.

Yeah sorry OP but if this is what you think a ‘good’ relationship is then you are in trouble. He sounds like a wanker

It could be playful if she was usually okay with it and he stopped immediately when she made it clear she wasn’t. That’s not what happened.

She had already told him, two weeks before, that’s she’s not okay with him doing this to her. She was panicking because, despite knowing she didn’t want him to do this, he’d manhandled her into a position she didn’t want to be in while she was struggling to get away, he wouldn’t let her go, and she couldn’t escape. I’d be frightened if someone did that to me fully clothed.

If you’re okay with your partner disrespecting your boundaries, using your body however he sees fit whenever and however he wants (even when you don’t want him to, in ways you actively dislike)…you do you, I guess. Are you aware that OP not being okay with this is a very normal reaction though - it’s you who’s in the minority here?

You’ve mentioned kink twice OP. Please don’t bring kink into this. This isn’t a D/s situation, he’s an abusive waste of space and if you give him an inch he will run a mile with it under some kind of pretence of dominance. A true, healthy D/s relationship is entirely built on communication - which he can’t do - and mutual respect. It’s built on hard limits - things that are never breached - soft limits - only breached under clear boundaries and with a plan for checking in and keeping communication open - and activities open - both of us are into this so go ahead! A truly dominant man does NOT punish - certainly not like this. They don’t sulk, nor blackmail, they don’t demand you declare their undying love. They recognise that your submission is something they have to earn by being trustworthy, consistent, reliable. Years ago a guy I was in a D/s relationship with overstepped a boundary - it’s very outing so I’m not going to say exactly what, only to say it was a soft limit he misunderstood my body language and thought it was okay. The second I said otherwise, everything stopped - not in a punishment, in that he stopped what he was doing immediately, went straight into our aftercare routine, apologised profusely and asked if I felt able to talk right then or did I want some time to myself first. We talked, HE apologised not me. Please don’t waste a second more time on this individual.

I am wondering about abusive men, are they abusive to every woman they get in a relationship with as in is this him now for life with anyone he’s with?
Somebody else might get the good version of him for a while, just like you did, but the mask would slip and he’d reveal who he really is eventually.

I’m his only ever long term relationship and person he’s gone this far with in terms of living together I’m just wondering because for so many years I would never conceive of him acting like this, so is it something in me that’s triggered this or something innate in him that’s showing up?
It’s not you, it’s him. Men like this can play the part of a decent, respectful, trustworthy partner, and they can be surprisingly convincing - nobody would get into a relationship with somebody who revealed abusive tendencies on the first date! Many start showing signs within the first few months, but some play a much longer game. I wonder if he’s showed his hand early in previous relationships, and that’s why they’ve all been shorter?

It’s often at points where they think they have you tied down that you start to see concerning behaviour - like moving in together, getting engaged or married, during pregnancy, or after having a baby. Sounds like planning to buy a house together was the trigger for him feeling free to drop the act and start being a dick to you, assuming you won’t be going anywhere. I can’t recommend strongly enough that you prove him wrong in that assumption.

This is such a wonderful post.

THIS. With BELLS on.

@diabolicalbanana It's innate in them and yes, they do it to everyone they're in a serious relationship with. They can't help themselves. I was married to an abuser, and no one else I've ever met or lived with had the kind of intense, hostile, negative view of me that he did. It was ridiculous. Change is extremely hard for these people and most don't manage it. Most don't even see a problem - like your man. Your only option, unless you want to have a hellish life, is to get the fuck out.