DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

I’m not talking about the man here or what he’s entitled to. I was struck by the OP saying she was self-conscious about her body which affected how she responded in the moment. A lot of women say the same and in my view that is sad and no woman should have to feel that way. If a man is doing something you don’t like or want, the last thing you should be worrying about is what you look like in daylight.

Did you miss the bit where he twisted her around and pinned her down when she accidentally became exposed? And refused to stop when she said no? Laughed at her and humiliated her? Then sent her vile abusive messages telling her to apologise to HIM and degrade herself even further, when he knew she wasn’t comfortable with that?
Jesus, I can’t get over some of the rape apologists on this thread! Go and look up the definition of consent. This is abuse.

Did you miss the bit where he twisted her around and pinned her down when she accidentally became exposed? And refused to stop when she said no? Laughed at her and humiliated her? Then sent her vile abusive messages telling her to apologise to HIM and degrade herself even further, when he knew she wasn’t comfortable with that?
Jesus, I can’t get over some of the rape apologists on this thread! Go and look up the definition of consent. This is abuse.

You need therapy to work on your body image issues. It’s not normal to hate your body so much you don’t want your partner to see you naked. Not defending his actions as I don’t think he’s been great but for your own sake you should want to improve your relationship with your body. What a sad way to live your life. I have low self esteem but even I wouldn’t get upset over a partner accidentally seeing me naked. Isn’t that part of being in a relationship?

It is very difficult to have a healthy relationship with a partner if you have such an unhealthy relationship with yourself. No wonder you’re struggling to set firm boundaries and stand up for yourself when your partner is crossing them 🤷‍♀️

Of course I let him see me naked in bed, in soft lighting, when I choose. This was in harsh daylight I had no makeup or anything on did not feel ‘good’ about my body in that moment but also it was the lack of control. He was holding me and also I don’t think many women would even want their partners to see their vagina extremely close up in broad daylight like that I’m not a pornstar!

Long term DP relationship is good and we’re planning to buy a house together soon. He’s been away dog sitting for the last 2 weeks which has made me feel a bit distant from him and I’m not the best with messaging. But basically he came over yesterday after seeing me on Friday.

I was naked in a towel when he came as I was out the shower and he was on the bed wanting a cuddle which I wasn’t keen for (wanted to get dressed) he playfully pulled me onto him which was fine and we were laughing he was touching me but then my towel was slipping too much and he was getting a good look at my body but I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs so I panicked and twisted but the way he held me meant I had to twist so my bottom half went straight to his face!!! You can imagine my panic as was stark naked and I saw him get a good look.

I felt really embarrassed and upset especially because about a week or 2 ago a similar thing happened where I’d been without underwear under my dress (hot day) and all fine playing joking but then he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up so again when I panicked and tried to get free I twisted off the chair and ended up him holding me legs akimbo naked!! I had told
him I’m not ok with this.

so I said to him quite clearly do not do that again if you do then we’re done which I was a bit rash saying but I was upset and felt humiliated to be honest. I said I’m not cuddling you for the rest of the day (half joking but I didn’t want him to touch me) Well he then went into a bit of a strop with me and said I’d annoyed him. We had a nice day but he refused to cuddle or kiss me - he said as punishment for what I’d said, which I did want as I’ve hardly seen him and wanted to feel close.

when he went back to dog sitting he messaged saying how I’d turned him down and lost out today on sex as well. He’s meant to be coming back to mine today and I didn’t want it hanging over us so I said well I can make up for it. He said how? I was busy and don’t like sexting (didn’t have any ideas tbh!) so I tried to be vague sort of we’ll see.

he then said I would have to make up for what I’d done before he would come back! I said I hope you’re not being serious and he said deadly serious! I said well you’re not giving any ideas he then sent me a list of options including a video of how much I love him and saying sorry for being silly, various nudes, a voice note all the reasons I love him or the special option which was a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven.

1. he is well aware ive neves been comfortable sending nudes.
2. I didn’t even want sex at that point.

I said im not comfortable doing that and he said what any of it? He said he just wanted a bit of fun and I said it’s not fun for me being pressured into doing things I don’t want to do. His last message was that he never pressured me.

situation now is neither of us have messaged each other. I’m worried am I boring and have I been unfair? Should I have tried to be a bit fun? But also I feel like the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me and I would not have enjoyed them I don’t like sending nudes certainly not videos I find it degrading.

The main issue I knew of that was the reason for no other long term relationships is because he’s had a long running issue with handling conflict, emotional vulnerability, he can just shut down and take things extremely personally if there’s any issue in a relationship and isn’t great at verbalising his emotions

You, and many others, don’t seem to understand that being seen naked by a romantic partner who loves and respects you is a very different experience to being objectified. Objectification is dehumanising, reducing you to a collection of body parts. It’s not sexy, it’s not empowering, it feels like being assessed, judged, and possibly compared to whatever standard some disgusting entitled prick has mentally decided is his ideal. This can make even the most confident woman feel self-conscious.

OP has described a situation that goes far beyond just objectification. She told us how this man leers at her, tried to cum on her face after she told him not to, and has twice manhandled her into vulnerable positions and held her down with her genitals exposed while she struggled to escape. During the most recent incident he escalated to pulling her legs apart and holding her in that position as she panicked and fought to get away. She has described how he explicitly told her he was punishing her for how she reacted to that abuse, and how he demanded she make it up to him by filming humiliating grovelling apology videos, or engaging in acts he knew she wasn’t comfortable with.

So why are you “not talking about the man here or what he’s entitled to”? OP posted for advice specifically about her partner’s very concerning, frightening, abusive behaviour. It’s disturbing that a woman would read about another woman being treated like this…then choose to minimise such a serious situation by ignoring that and focusing only on whether she has insecurities or not.

I’m not talking about the man here or what he’s entitled to. I was struck by the OP saying she was self-conscious about her body which affected how she responded in the moment. A lot of women say the same and in my view that is sad and no woman should have to feel that way. If a man is doing something you don’t like or want, the last thing you should be worrying about is what you look like in daylight.

I’m not talking about the man here or what he’s entitled to. I was struck by the OP saying she was self-conscious about her body which affected how she responded in the moment. A lot of women say the same and in my view that is sad and no woman should have to feel that way. If a man is doing something you don’t like or want, the last thing you should be worrying about is what you look like in daylight.

OP, I am so glad you came on to MN for some help. (Although I really hope you're able to ignore the victim-blamers who are somehow finding fault with you for minding when your consent for various sexual things has not been given and he does it anyway, and then wants YOU to apologise for upsetting HIM. You really couldn't make it up.)

I hope you listen to us women who have seen it all before, who know how abuse goes and how it just gets worse and worse and worse the deeper into the relationship you go. And mark my words, nothing you do or say stops it.

You indicated above that it's not that easy to let him go, because you know each other's families etc. - and I get it. You also have a store of good memories and good times. You're still enmeshed to an extent, even though you don't have a mortgage or kids or are married (thank GOD).

So in one way, it's not an easy thing to leave the relationship....but in another way, it's the easiest thing in the world. Put your big-girl Nikes on and Just Do It.

Another word about abusive relationships: The entire reason they are so hard to leave is because of all the masses of sugar mixed in with the shit. The good times, the amazing memories, the times when he was so so lovely. After all, if someone was awful to you all the time, it would be an easy decision, wouldn't it? And this is what makes domestic abuse so appalling and destructive and so totally confusing for the victim. With someone who's just awful to you, it's upfront and you know where you are. But with domestic abuse, you are literally sleeping with the enemy. It's an extremely insidious, nasty, covert form of emotional, social, and/or physical aggression.

But you have to judge your relationship on its worst times. The times he has done things physically when you didn't want him to and when he wanted YOU to apologise for being upset. (My God, this makes me so mad, I literally want to slap him for you.) Those things which are upsetting you? THAT'S your relationship, your REAL relationship. That's the real him, not the nicey-nice one who lured you into this relationship under false pretences in the first place. That is, the pretence that a relationship with him would be a safe and nurturing place for you.

To put another way, a sugar sandwich with a tiny piece of shit in it's still a shit sandwich.

God, I hope you find the strength to dump this MF. I really, really do.

P.S. I am experienced with break-ups, and the absolute fastest way to get over someone is to have zero contact. No staying friends, no texting etc. I'm not saying getting over a significant relationship is ever fast, but zero contact is by far the best way. With zero contact, you'll find he crosses your mind ever less frequently, and when he does, your mind will kind of slip off him. But continued contact, of any kind, does nothing but prolong the agony. You can always say hi in the future if you want, but give it at least a year with nothing.

I’m not talking about the man here or what he’s entitled to. I was struck by the OP saying she was self-conscious about her body which affected how she responded in the moment. A lot of women say the same and in my view that is sad and no woman should have to feel that way. If a man is doing something you don’t like or want, the last thing you should be worrying about is what you look like in daylight.

It’s really sad that any woman should feel self-conscious about the man they’re in a close relationship/living with with seeing them naked in daylight or without makeup. The men certainly aren’t worried about soft lighting re their bodies. Never mind what you think about yourself, we all have our insecurities. But I can assure you that if a man wants to live with you he’ll like you in daylight, candlelight or fluorescent light. He certainly won’t care about makeup. And whatever else troubles you about them, being seen in daylight shouldn’t be one of them.

Sorry you’re not recognising that he has lots of emotional issues going on. You need to leave this relationship and go solo for a while to work out what you want I ca relationship.

Dump him your obviously not confident in this relationship and he sounds into things your not. It won’t work long term. I certainly wouldn’t invest in a house with this man.