DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

Some of the posts here are very unhelpful and are totally missing the point. If someone tells you they feel uncomfortable with another persons behaviour, don’t tell them they are odd and start nit-picking. How is that helping?

OP the mere fact you’ve come here to check if what you’re feeling is “normal” shows how much he has already eroded your sense of self. It seems to me you’ve reached a point in the road and it’s time to make the difficult decision. Do you follow through and end it like you told him you would? Or do you ignore your own boundary and continue in a relationship with someone who you don’t feel safe with? Your gut is telling you what you need to do, listen to it and walk away. This controlling and manipulative man has shown you who he is, please don’t ignore it because he won’t improve.

It doesn't really matter how others would've reacted. I would have laughed but if there was any sign of my being panicked like you were, I'd expect my DH to stop and apologise . Your parter was wrong to do something you felt uncomfortable with and then try and use your reaction for his own gain.

He’s pushing you to do things you don’t want to do and won’t stop when you say no.
Do you want to wait around for next time to see how far he will take it when you say no?
When a man won’t stop when we say no, it will potentially end in rape.

You are absolutely, 100% not unreasonable for a) feeling how you feel and b) having boundaries over your own body!

It doesn't matter what any of the rest of us would do. For the record, I am someone who is super open about my body with my DH. He has seen every inch of my body in all sorts of lighting. This is because he makes me feel so safe, comfortable, and confident. When I had surgery it was him I wanted to help me wash or get to the toilet in hospital over my sister or my BFF. And you know what? That doesn't matter at all, that's my body and my relationship. You should NEVER be with a partner who doesn't care that he made you feel embarrassed, and even worse punished you for having boundaries!

You weren't comfortable and told him so, him trying to blackmail you into doing something he knows you'd rather not do, is showing how little respect he has for you.

Not being comfortable having him see you naked is also a red flag as a romantic partner should be a safe space for that sort of thing.
As feeling loved as you are, warts and all and not being judged on your body.

DUMP HIM PLEASE BEFORE YOU MERGE MONEY AND HAVE A BABY!

@diabolicalbanana please take this ^^ advice.

It definitely is.

And also because I would not put it past him to say things like 'if you don't let me cum on your face I won't pay my share of the mortgage this month.'

Run, run and keep on running 🏃‍♀️
Do not buy a house with this man!

Oh god, yes, you're absolutely right

I don’t get why anyone is giving you a hard time about this. It’s obvious to me why you weren’t comfortable being wrestled out of your towel and upended against your will.

Ignore the MN pick-me girls (sorry I mean sex-positive) who are 100% body-confident and happy for anyone to see them naked in any circumstances whatsoever and would be nothing short of aroused by the prospect of being ambushed straight out of the shower for non-consensual wrestling and an amateur gynae exam.

Jesus, what is the world coning to?

Definitely don't buy a house with him because you obviously aren't at all comfortable with his behaviour, regardless of it being weird.

This is Mr US LADIES. AGAIN.

Do NOT send him nudes! Never ever send anyone nudes. He has already revealed himself to be controlling; you do not want him to possess something to blackmail you with!

It sounds like you two just aren't compatible.

He hasn't handled this well at all, and the way he's responded raises some genuine red flags. That said, the things he's looking for in intimacy aren't inherently wrong, they might be exactly what someone else enjoys if they share that style. The problem is that they don't align with what you're comfortable with.
More importantly, he hasn't respected your boundaries. Instead of accepting them, he's responded in a way that comes across as disrespectful and immature, and that's the biggest issue here.

You really have two options:

1. Have a direct conversation with him. Clearly explain your boundaries, why they matter to you, and that his response to them has been unacceptable.
2. End the relationship and move on.

He may find your approach to intimacy too reserved for what he's looking for, just as you may find his expectations too much. That doesn't necessarily make either of you wrong, it just means you're not compatible in that area. Someone else may be a much better match for each of you.

What isn't acceptable, regardless of compatibility, is failing to respect each other's boundaries. His behaviour in response to yours has been disrespectful, and that's a serious concern.

"When I tried to get away."
"The way he held me made me twist."
"his arms were hooked under my legs and I couldn’t escape"
"I was upset and felt humiliated."
"I find it degrading."
"You can imagine my panic."

You do not feel safe with this man. Your body is telling you you are not safe with him.

"He knows I'm uncomfortable sending nudes."
"he then sent me a list of options including ...various nudes... a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven."
"the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me."
"he wanted to ‘finish’ on my face. I was really super clear saying no I do not want that. We had sex and he tried to do it anyway"

So he humiliates you, then punishes you for reacting and offers you further humiliation as the pathway to forgiveness.

"I feel like his respect for me has slipped a bit"

It's his mask that's slipped. Get away. This is just the beginning. Be grateful it happened before you were financially entangled – most of them wait until you're trapped.

This is also sexual coercion.

Also, porn has a lot of influence on weak men.

You do not know he won't share them. His behaviour suggests that he would.

Want to add though no criticism for asking how other people feel about something!

1000 times you were not unreasonable. The creepy shit of a controlling man was.
DUMP HIM PLEASE BEFORE YOU MERGE MONEY AND HAVE A BABY!

It wouldn’t matter if every single reply said sending nudes is fun and everyone does it. You don’t want to do it and that is all that matters.

Sick of people who make other people think there is something wrong / different / weird about them for having different preferences. You don’t owe him or yourself an explanation or evidence for where you sit on this. He sounds coercive.

OP please break up with him asap, he is disgusting. I am pretty body confident and I would feel embarrassed and weird about the situations you have described. It’s not sexy to be manhandled and made to feel uncomfortable

He is a huge red flag

I have no idea what you thought you had to apologize for. This man sounds at best awful and at worst dangerous. Get rid.

Sounds similar to what my ex did and he was a horrible sex pest and that was the main reason I finished with him.

I suggest you do the same.

To answer your question, no I wouldn't have reacted the way you did. If a man did something I didn't like I would freeze and tell him very coldly (and if necessary, loudly) to stop. I wouldn't flail about - precisely because of what happened to you.

No of course you're not unreasonable.

Well, yes you are. You're unreasonable to keep apologising to him and trying to make it up to him because HE did something YOU didn't like.

You need to grow a backbone, love. Definitely don't send him nude or suggestive photos of yourself (you'd have zero control over what he does with them).

And I agree with others, he thinks what he did to you was ok, and he's not going to change. You need to dump him and move on.