DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

I’ve just read the messages. What age is he ffs.

Awful

Your language is horrible.

I did it. And I had a nine month old baby with me too.
Just leave him. And you don't owe other people any explanation about it either. You only get one life, don't waste any more of yours on this bastard.

My heart sank when I read those whatsapp messages.

You are looney to be anywhere near that freak. Brucey bonus? He's clearly a porn addict.

Well he can fuck off to mars.

Gosh, I don't know why I bothered to read all that
Dump him - he's a complete pig

His messages are illiterate and immature. Almost like a 22 year old who is addicted to porno. Weird.

I’m so sorry you’ve been made to feel this way. You’re not ‘to blame’ and actually I think it’s good that you’ve found this out now rather than when you’re further into the relationship.

You also shouldn’t blame yourself for not knowing. There are people I have been friends with for 10 years and I would have no idea about their sexual desires and kinks.

I am sure you will find someone you match up with better. There is nothing wrong with you, I hope the counselling helped you with your difficult feelings on that.

He is a manipulative piece of shit.

Sweetheart, you are being abused. He is getting worse the more confident he gets.

I would have run for the hills just because of the spelling.

Op your recent posts sound like you’re finding reasons to stay with him. Like you’ve invested years into this relationship so you’re determined to make it work and get your happy ever after. With respect to you, please don’t continue with this deluded mind set. This man isn’t your happy ever after no matter how much you want him to be. He’s broken your trust and makes you feel unsafe. How can that provide the sort of relationship you want? You seem to have put a lot of pressure on yourself to make this work or else you think you’re to blame. That’s simply not true. You’re not responsible for his behaviour and you’ll have a lifetime of misery if you keep trying to change yourself to fit someone else’s expectations of you. It’s no life.

Ew.

Ewww just no, my ex was like this and it just got worse and worse until it was outright abuse. He wanted something and if I didn’t I would be gaslit, ignored, emotionally bullied until I was the one apologising and begging for forgiveness and doing and sending all manner of things that made me feel dirty and degraded just to make it up to him and prove I loved him.

please from someone who has experienced this. Leave him. I beg you.

There's nothing "wrong" about how you feel or about you being uncomfortable with things your partner is demanding. But I think many of us feel that your need to only be seen in soft light or with make-up on is sad (not "wrong"). If my partner and I were fooling around in the two situations you described (out of the shower and outside) and it ended up with any part of my body being in his face, we'd either have a good laugh or move on to something more overtly sexual. I'd definitely not be feeling embarrassed by it. Having said that, I think you DP is a jerk.

Double lock the doors and go somewhere else for tonight. Let him find the house locked up (if he turns up, and if he doesn't and then messages you expecting you to be sitting up pining for him you can say you weren't there anyway).

He's going to expect you to be sorry. He wants apologies. Because he cannot see what he's done wrong and that is what makes him dangerous.

And that is 100% right and valid.

Please go back to counselling. It's not that you are a prude or that there's anything wrong with what you want. Your counsellor may see there is something of a pattern - not because you are wrong, but because your self talk allows you to put yourself and your rightful boundaries in second place.

My ex was abusive. Even though my now dh is kind and respectful, if he walks up behind me and touches me when I'm not expecting it, I still react. dh knows not to do it ever, not in jest, not by mistake.

Maybe everyone else in the world is fine if they're doing the dishes and their much loved partner comes and nuzzles their neck. But I'm not, and that's the point. dh doesn't try to persuade me I'm wrong, he respects every single boundary I have.

If your partner is away dog sitting again can you use that time to get some real life support?

I think you’re in trouble honey, now he’s moved in the mask is slipping. This is going to get worse.

I think you don’t want to end it, so you need to have a word with him about sexual boundaries, and don’t issue ultimatums unless you are willing to follow through.

Ooof OP, there's a lot going on here. Your posts make me sort-of grateful that I've been married since before smartphones were really upon us. Sending sexualised images, videos or voice messages was definitely not part of building a relationship when I was in that phase. I think your instincts are right to dislike that stuff; it feels objectifying and very open to manipulation (as example shows).

Your partner's whole approach to intimacy, meanwhile, (if 'intimacy' is the word here) seems partly transactional, partly manipulative, partly coercive. Presumably it isn't all the time, but I doubt that this sort of thing gets better over time, especially given how unapologetic he currently is about it all.

Meanwhile you sound a bit fragile. Insecure about your weight and appearance and about intimacy - I'd have said it's inevitable that your partner gets to know the appearance of your private parts fairly well, in any kind of light, in the course of an active sex life, and you that of his. Not necessarily terribly erotic, but not a big deal.

I'm not saying it's 'wrong' that you don't want to be seen except in dim lighting, you do you. But that your partner clearly lacks respect for this preference of yours is definitely a problem. You shouldn't have to apologise and explain as much as you're doing. Your boundaries are your boundaries and if he doesn't like them - well then maybe it's better he jogs on....

You haven't told us what you mean by saying the relationship is good otherwise, but I struggle to imagine a person who is otherwise great to be with while doing the things you describe in sexual situations. Sorry to be so negative about a relationship you're clearly invested in. But it sounds to me like you'd be better off trying to become more at ease with yourself before you take on someone as willing to mess with you as this man.

You DO NOT know for certainty that he would not share nudes/videos. Once out there, you cannot erase them. Dump the creep, he sounds vile.

I'm confused because all of your posts say you don't like it but this one seems to be saying you're going to stay with him anyway because it's, what, less admin?