DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

I haven't worn any underwear since I retired whatever the weather, and before that, stopped wearing panties after my hysterectomy and a bra only when I absolutely had to.

He’s gaslighting you and sadly some posters here are too. It’s not about how much of your body he has seen, he tried to dominate you physical and sexually and it wasn’t consensual. He’s pushing your boundaries - you said you didn’t want something and he did it anyway. And as for ‘play fighting’ - that’s a slippery slope, especially for someone finding it difficult to assert their boundaries. In a secure consensual relationship it can work but when there’s a power imbalance it will lead to more gaslighting. He can say he thought you liked it, he didn’t mean to hurt you, you’ve done it before etc Honestly, this guy could be dangerous and you’re already vulnerable.

It doesn't seem you are a good fit as a couple. He refuses to respect your boundaries. You struggle to keep to your boundaries to appease him when clearly you're not comfortable with him which is no wonder as he sounds like a weirdo.

Why on earth would you want to move in with him? He sounds vulgar.

Do yourself a favour and dump him. I agree with another PP, have some time on your own. Set clear boundaries and build self-confidence then you wouldn't consider the likes of your DP as a partner but will likely meet someone who respects you.

Oh, and his messages are the least sexy thing ever. What a turn off.

he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up

I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs

It's not really about seeing you naked is it? It's more about "manhandling" you, as someone put it, into sexual or revealing positions. Nasty.

Highly recommend this book ..when you feel like everyone is in couples and it hurts

Those messages are disgusting.

The whole "last chance" b/s is no reason to stay with someone, I'd rather be alone than be with a guy who messages me crap like that.

Cancel the mortgage appointments, it's very easy to do.

If this is a good relationship, what does bad look like, OP? He's not a good man.

In terms of the actual stuff. For DH and I nothing mentioned is out of our limits. It's all perfectly normal for us. I am not shy about my body at all and it is far from perfect. BUT I have birthed his child, he has wiped my bum, he has inspected the healing of my episiotomy, we swing and would be what most consider to be quite extreme/kinky whatever. But most importantly, we have the upmost respect for each others limits, boundaries, bodies, consent. I feel comfortable around him because I know the second I say no he stops, we both know that if one of us says "I don't like you doing ...." It never happens again. That's how you build trust in a relationship.

This man does not respect your boundaries. He does not car efor your consent. Quite frankly I would consider him a rape risk. He is trying to coerce you into sexual favours you have made clear you don't want to do. He physically overpowers you when you say no. They're huge red flags. I don't think this is a safe man.

Abusive people play on this feeling. It isn’t true. You can meet someone anytime. The most important thing is that you aren’t just choosing anyone rather than being alone…this man is horrendous and not a safe foundation for a shared home / life.
You will be miserable if this man has any power over you (like shared finances / home etc.)
You can be happy without him, you really can…have a listen to the Just Break Up podcast… or the book the Joy of Being Alone I think they call it ..I’ll check and return with exact details

He seems to think he owns your body.

Bin him.

I think that the point is being missed on here by other posters which is leaving you having to defend yourself and your choices.

ultimately only you get to decide your boundaries. But please please please believe me when I say, this is how my friend’s STBExH started, stupid stuff like being offended because she didn’t like something he did, like when he watched them having sex through the baby monitor, or pressuring her into wearing her new sexy pants because it upset him that she didn’t.

there are so many more examples I could give but not without being incredibly outing. The point of this is you think you have a good man, but then he starts showing you he isn’t, and it ends with you giving in on more and more of your boundaries until you can no longer say no without fear of upsetting him…THAT IS SEXUAL ASSAULT by removing someone’s choice and by punishing them for not complying

Please just leave while you aren’t stuck with a house you have to sell or a child you have to share. If he is like this with your sexual boundaries, how long until all of your boundaries are pushed and you are punished for not complying.

I actually cannot stress enough how important it is you leave this guy, this is the strongest I have ever felt (except in cases where people have been talking about being beaten regularly) that someone should leave. You will regret it if you don’t!

There are better men out there than this. Please don't give this one your trusy, he doesn't deserve it.

Well, you know you can't trust him so get rid.

This man sounds absolutely repulsive. Please find the confidence to bring this horrible and abusive relationship to a close. You are worth more than this, and it would be far better for you to enjoy the single life than to put up with this total loser.

He sounds absolutely horrible and it's compounds by the fact you seem incompatible sexually.

You need to value yourself more.

Dump him:
he feels safe enough now to disrespect your boundaries, and push them to try to break them.
He is also gaslighting you by saying it was a “joke”.

You can have boundaries that are the most extremely “vanilla” if you want. You do what you want - and anyone who doesn’t respect that should clear off.
It doesn’t matter what anyone else does, etc.
Stop apologising.

And I thought you were at least in your 50s and more like 60/70s to feel it was a last chance relationship. In your 30s there is plenty of time left.

Well no to the photos or anything on the phone. That and the chair thing is a reason to dump him.

But I found it a bit odd that you are buying a house with someone you aren’t comfortable with him seeing you naked?

@Twinkylightsg Because the things you have described are quite normal things to happen which if you felt happy, comfortable and safe with him you wouldn't have felt the way you did.

How on earth is it normal for a man to pin down his partner and spread her legs when she was just walking around normally in a dress and didn't suggest sex?

Might be normal for teenage boys who have seen too many unrealistic internet videos, but that's not really a normal thing in the real world.

LTB.
Sex as a weapon - no thanks.
Uncomfortable nude - no thanks, he should make you feel like a goddess.
Pressuring someone to be ‘fun’ - no thanks. It’s like something from bullies at school! Or people who want you to take drugs with them.
Honestly if that awkward vulva in the face thing happened with my DH, we would have laughed it off and if I said I was uncomfortable he would have said he loved it and felt the luckiest man alive to see it! It should have been an over and done with moment. There’s something not right here.

@Wolfpa So what? OP is perfectly entitled to be as boring as she wants, just as she is equally entitled to enthusiastically participate sexually if and when she wants to and not to participate at all when she doesn't want to. As are we all. Do you not realize that someone who has already been through an abusive marriage will be extra sensitive when she feels she is being manhandled and restrained by a pervy prick who is completely overriding her boundaries so that he can cop a sneaky peak of her lady bits? And actually, who made you the arbiter of what's boring anyway? You sound as bad as he is.

Sorry, I’m not sure I follow?