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Original poster

How often dh goes out

39 replies

trampolinebounce · 20/07/2026 14:12

I dont know if im jealous or if its a bit much.
5 DC 16,8,6,3 and 1.
Dh joined a club that meets every 2 weeks do an activity or whatever. But in between these theres other nights/odd weekend planned. When hes home he does his fair share of housework but not child care.

I hardly go anywhere and even if I did want to usually cant because of this.

1 year old is still breastfed and 3 year old is a handful. Teen is pretty good bar the odd screaming match hardly see her shes usually out with friends or in her room. They are not her kids so I try very hard for her to not be watching them. So it can be alot being on my own with 4 kids.

Last month was 17 out of 30 days.

OP posts:
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Original poster
trampolinebounce · 23/07/2026 00:01

Yeah i guess some of what I feel is rejection like he dosent want to be with us too but I also get needing a break as I obviously want one too.

Used to work till May of this year but now dont due to other circumstances. 3 out of 5 kids at school. 3 year old will be nursery in August. So will be easier when that happens.

Just seems like a bit of a bumpy time atm.
Tbf to DH he used to be away alot with his union rep position and that wasnt working out so he dropped that. Still had his normal job through all

OP posts:
CeciliaMars · 22/07/2026 10:02

17 nights out of 30? That's crazy! We each go our 3-4 times a month. All we can afford and we want to be with our kids and partner.

BlueMum16 · 22/07/2026 09:13

Are the kids in school and nursery or are you a SAHM?

Sounds like he's a very present DP and father but you need to carve some time for you every week

Can you join a club or a gym or similar? Even a regular meet up with friends

Esmeraldathe3rd · 22/07/2026 08:35

notanothernamesurely · 22/07/2026 08:28

What I did in a very similar situation was joined a club as well. I joined a sports clubs and train once a week and play matches (on average) every other week.

I didn’t even want to do the club BUT I came to absolutely love it. And the time away from the house, making new friends took away the resentment of my husband getting all the free time and me always being the full time parent.

You then explain to husband that you’ll be out every Monday (or whatever it is) and sometimes on a Thursday but you are happy to keep having the children at least that much for him to do his clubs too.

Yeah this. You just take your time. Don't sit about waiting for him to give you it. He'll just have to manage with the kids like you do.

notanothernamesurely · 22/07/2026 08:28

What I did in a very similar situation was joined a club as well. I joined a sports clubs and train once a week and play matches (on average) every other week.

I didn’t even want to do the club BUT I came to absolutely love it. And the time away from the house, making new friends took away the resentment of my husband getting all the free time and me always being the full time parent.

You then explain to husband that you’ll be out every Monday (or whatever it is) and sometimes on a Thursday but you are happy to keep having the children at least that much for him to do his clubs too.

Original poster
trampolinebounce · 22/07/2026 08:21

sittingonabeach · 21/07/2026 18:57

On days he doesn’t work what does he do with DC? When was the last time he parented them by himself? Does he ever do night wakings, change nappies? Does he know who your children’s best friends are, favourite teacher, school subject?

He does do night wakings with the 3 year old. I deal with 1 year old as she co sleeps. Will do nappy changes. He knows the teachers but probably not best friends of the boys as it changes weekly. Last time he solo parented was 24th of June when I had to take my mum to a hospital appointment. (Which he did take off work for)

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 21/07/2026 19:11

Sp on the other 13 days you go out. Simple. At least book once per week your clubactivity

sittingonabeach · 21/07/2026 18:57

On days he doesn’t work what does he do with DC? When was the last time he parented them by himself? Does he ever do night wakings, change nappies? Does he know who your children’s best friends are, favourite teacher, school subject?

60degreecycle · 21/07/2026 18:48

Guess I dont wanna be the controlling wife telling him he can't go out.

This is an issue. In a balanced relationship there should be space for conversation and if he gave a shiny shite about the woman who had borne him five children, he would actively WANT you to have some time to yourself and do what was necessary to lean in and facilitate that.

Don't be cowed by some "I don't want to be a nag" rhetoric, that's designed to keep your mouth shut, it works too, but don't buy it.

Notquitethetruth · 21/07/2026 18:34

Why is he the one organising things for the group? Can that not be done by other members who have less responsibilities.
17 out of 30 days is not acceptable. He is spending more time on his hobby than he is with his wife and children. You and your children are not his priority.
The club meets every 2 weeks ( 2 days out of 30) yet he is out for 17.
What kind of activity is it ?

Original poster
trampolinebounce · 21/07/2026 17:35

Well id just like some time to myself really which any mother does. Dunno what id do with the time tbh.
Kids aren't that bad just obviously full on with 5 kids.
He is really good in other areas and I understand the need to have things outside family life. Guess I dont wanna be the controlling wife telling him he can't go out.

OP posts:
SunnyRedSnail · 21/07/2026 07:13

@trampolinebounce
What is it you want to do? Find a club and tell him that on tuesdays* you will be out doing your hobby.

Be assertive.

SummerHols2026 · 21/07/2026 07:09

To be out 17/30 is not ok. He’s avoiding family life. I guess the 5 kids was by mutual agreement, in which case he needs to start pulling his weight!

In your shoes I’d start a walking hobby. Earmark the days he is in and be out, even if just for an hour walk. Put your foot down and demand change. You must be exhausted!

BendingSpoons · 21/07/2026 07:04

PollyBell · 21/07/2026 06:34

So you are the step mother?

Show quote history

When OP said 'they are not her kids' I think she meant the 16yo, as in she doesn't ask her eldest kid to look after her younger siblings.

PollyBell · 21/07/2026 06:34

trampolinebounce · 21/07/2026 04:52

All kids are his.

So you are the step mother?

Amba1998 · 21/07/2026 05:57

There’s a distinct lack of detail here

hohby once every other week and then what inbetween? 1 night out? 5 nights out?

Moonnstarz · 21/07/2026 05:39

Why choose to have so many kids then complain you have no time to yourself?

Sounds like he is pulling his weight regarding housework and paid employment.
Maybe he feels he can't help with the youngest due to breastfeeding.

It also sounds like you were already facing these demands before adding further children into the mix. I think this is perhaps a post people should read when they are contemplating a third/more children.

Original poster
trampolinebounce · 21/07/2026 04:52

All kids are his.

OP posts:
Pistachiocake · 20/07/2026 21:54

You should both have some time off, and once every fortnight plus the odd other day is ok as long as you get it too. You say you are breastfeeding, so you could either express or give some formula. If you don't want to do either of those things it is up to you, but that would mean that short term (or however long you want to) you wouldn't get a child-free night.

pinkyredrose · 20/07/2026 21:48

Are all the kids his?

sittingonabeach · 20/07/2026 21:46

What relationship do the DC have with him?

60degreecycle · 20/07/2026 21:43

When hes home he does his fair share of housework but not child care.

You've asked him to and he makes the right noises, but doesn't actually do his fair share of care of the five children he's father to.

You could tell him that you don't get to be the father of five kids without doing any meaningful parenting and be considered a useful addition to the family. If he doesn't have the time for a hobby, and most women with five kids certainly wouldn't, then he doesn't have time for a hobby.

Set out together what you consider to be a fair share of the labour overall, and let him work out how he's going to fit it all in to his schedule.

Original poster
trampolinebounce · 20/07/2026 17:41

No alot coz hes doing the shopping or cleaning to be fair. Or organising things for this said group. Or working

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 20/07/2026 17:19

So what parenting does he do? When he isn’t out?

Original poster
trampolinebounce · 20/07/2026 16:12

I have spoken to dh about it and he makes all the right noises but it never happens so just wondering if I should push more about it

OP posts: