AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

Please don't. This isn't a skirt tucked into knickers type situation. She will be totally aware that she's put on weight. It's up to her if she wants to discuss it with anyone, or do anything about it.

I tried to broach (very gently, very subtlety) the fact my friend’s dog was obese. The reaction to that taught me to never mention weight again about anybody or anything. The only exceptions I would make are my sons if they piled the weight on, but they’re naturally slim so I doubt I need to worry about that.

Well like I already said, I have had this kind of “intervention” from family. It did hurt. But I didn’t fall out with them because I could see where their concern was coming from. Like the Op actually suggested, they asked if there was anything in my life making me unhappy.

After reading this thread and seeing that 90% of people would have cut the relationship dead, I’d be very reluctant to have a conversation like this with a friend and I haven’t advised the Op to do that, have I?

I’d be interested how preventably close to death’s door someone would have to be for you to say anything.

Absolutely not. I've lost a few stone over the last couple of years and it's had a positive effect on health in a specific way. I mentioned this to one of my friends and she said I'm so glad, I really was quite worried about your health at one point. She hadn't said anything at the time and I'm glad because I would not have taken it well .I knew I was fat, she knew I was fat, I knew, she knew I was I was fat. She knew, I knew, she knew, I knew I was fat etc etc. mentioning it would not have helped in any way shape or form even if you think you're being subtle.
In fact I would have found being some sort of accountability partner exceptionally patronising and would see through that in an instant. Why would somebody who's otherwise healthy and slim be asking me fitness advice and support?

in the past, personal comments were considered rude.

Comments probably reflect why it's such an issue now, in the past there was real support and people saying the hard things.

Now you get to live in your little bubble forever and never get challenged, and it is often far too late before you come close to thinking about getting help yourself.

Fat people know they’re fat and don’t need anyone else telling them.

@WhyCantISayFork I’d be interested to know how you’d raise it with a good friend, what would be your opening line and what would you want to get across in the conversation? Would you be offering some kind of practical support or would you want to be explaining to the friend where you think she can make changes to improve her health?

I think it’s very reasonable that lots of people with experience of obesity are saying that intervening in this way is nearly always unhelpful. Worse than unhelpful actually, damaging and hurtful. Hence people being what you perceive as over the top.

What was the context though?

People don’t randomly mention dress size without any context.

I’d never usually tell friends what size I bought, just “I got a lovely dress in M&S”. Someone would only say I bought size 12/14/16/18 or whatever within the context of moaning I’d put on weight or being pleased I’d lost weight/fitted into a smaller size.

How do you know?

People know when they’re overweight, so please don’t.

If you are genuinely concerned the only thing I would suggest is mention something along the lines of “I’m feeling so unfit lately, that sports race / walk to my work / running up and down the stairs at work / etc is killing me. I’m going to join a gym / go for an evening walk every day if you want to join me let me know”. And leave it there.

Well, I don’t think the Op suggested saying “I’m concerned you’re overweight and unfit” did she?

Anyway, as I said, I don’t think it’s necessary in this case, as what happened sounds like an eye opener. I started commenting because of all the “never ever ever say anything about weight” comments that I think are over the top.

Infertility, historical abuse, autoimmune diseases, workload, finances, trauma, they can all affect physical health; you don’t know what’s going on and you have no need to know.

Yes, you must be.

Something a little similar happened to me - but I didn't raise it first!

A close friend who lives 3 hours away and I hadn't seen in seven months and I attended a function together. It was breathtakingly obvious she had lost an enormous amount of weight.

She started the conversation saying 'you may have noticed I lost some weight'. All I said to her was ' are you okay?'. She talked and admitted she had anorexia.

So yeah she knew. My advice is don't bring it up first. Just be a good friend and message how she is doing like 'it was great to see you on Sports Day' and see if she is ready to tell you. Otherwise don't force it. She knows.

Oh I must be living in a parallel dimension 😂

You need to seriously get over yourself. Judgemental arse. Concern. She is a competent adult and and can worry about herself. Or not. She has a mirror and she buys her clothes plus sees herself naked. Get a bloody grip. You’ve not seen something no one else including her ever has. She’s living her life her way.

I am currently 17 stone. I’m also anorexic. If anyone were to comment on my weight at the moment I’d stop eating. Not cut down, not go on a diet, not pills or injections, I would literally stop eating. Coffee and the odd shake to keep up vitamins etc. In my teens I went three years eating (salads) on a Sunday and a Wednesday.
DO NOT MENTION WEIGHT!

@WhyCantISayFork because it’s raising a personal matter which the friend doesn’t want to raise herself, which doesn’t affect the OP at all, it’s intrusive and people can feel very vulnerable about comments regarding weight, size and appearance. It will also come across as patronising, as if the friend doesn’t know she’s obese and unfit.

So the OP says “I am concerned about your health because you are obese and unfit”…. Then what? You’re forcing the friend to talk about a personal matter that she herself hasn’t raised and therefore presumably doesn’t want to talk about. It’s awkward, it’s embarrassing verging on humiliating. If any of it is worded clumsily it could be very damaging.

I’m overweight and unfit and am perfectly aware of it (and not happy about the fact) but if my ‘friend’ decided to speak to me (kindly or otherwise) about it, I would be furious and potentially cut them off.
So, emphatically, do t say a thing!

Drinking too much doesn't have the same social shame or stigma attached to it as weight gain.

My point though is why would concern from a well meaning friend damage a friendship?

She will know. No need for you to comment.

I'm so confused 😂

@WhyCantISayFork you can express your love and support. I wouldn’t call you a judgemental bitch. However I also think that doing so would be unhelpful and damaging to the friendship. So of course the OP can choose to express her concern for her friend’s wellbeing and I hope that if she does it doesn’t upset her friend and damage the friendship. Chances are it will. And of course even if she does manage to express her concern in a way that doesn’t cause upset, it won’t actually help her friend in any way. So that’s worth thinking about too.