AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

They still do parents races? I have now been through 14 years snd multiple schools and not once (both state and private) has there been a parents race.

Did you do the race @emzybobz89 ?

What did you say in response? Still friends?

The more obvious the weight gain, the more she is aware of it. She ran that race so as not to let her kid down but I can guarantee, she hated doing it. Making jokes about not being 20 anymore was a bid to brush off the obvious reason. But she KNOWS what the real reason is and you being concerned and speaking to her about it will be of no help at all. What she needed from you on sports day was to admire her for participating not pity her for her weight. She has a battle ahead and she doesn't need to be reminded that people are watching.

Yes I’m not a liar. She’s also not stupid. As I said, she knows she’s fat! She also knows I lost weight exercising (and diet) - it was a reasonable jump to make 🤷

Going against the grain, I don't believe being a good friend means you ignore them eating themselves into an early grave! It really does depend on the type of friendship you have though. My best friend is my 'ride or die' sort of girl and I would absolutely bring it up as she would me. Encourage her to join a group with you or go for walks etc, sometimes someone just needs to be told to face up to what they are doing to themselves - make it about her health not her looks.

I don’t think you’re horrible at all. I’m also concerned about my friend’s health but I just know if I say something it won’t go down well. I also know she is well aware of her weight and isn’t waiting for me to say something. The problem is, how do you separate the health from the weight? She’ll know why you’re concerned about her health - it’s because of her weight.

“I love you and care about you …” would sound so patronising though. Leave well alone.

Then you wouldn't be breaking the 'never comment on weight' rule?
If she'd struggled with the race but wasn't fat would you have the same conversation with her?
Because most of your post is about her weight not her health it's easy to see why posters think you are fat shaming.
And what practical support would you be able to and willing to give her?

I do get that, @emzybobz89 - but I still think it is better to wait until she raises the subject first, and then see how you can best support her. She cannot be unaware of the risks to her health from her weight, and I honestly believe that, if you raise it first, you risk hurting her feelings and making her much less likely to ask you for help and support.

Nope. Nobody with a weight problem would say this. They're already carrying internalised shame and the idea that they would then tell anyone their actual dress size - just no. It's another stick for you to beat her with under the guise of 'concern'. Wouldn't happen.

@ThreadGuardDog - I believe you are right and @emzybobz89 is coming from a place of genuine concern and care for her friend. But I also agree with the posters who have said that her friend will definitely know she has gained weight, and that there really is no kind or non-hurtful way to raise the subject with her. As I said in my first post, better to wait until her friend raises it, and then offer help and support.

I’m not sure how you’d kindly approach this. She will be well aware she’s gained so much weight so doesn’t really need the comment from you. If she wanted to do something to fix it, I’m sure she would’ve done already. It’s now easier than ever to lose weight with ozempic.

No. Because almost the entire thread is now about what an awful person she is for being worried about her friends’ health and that it’s just ‘faux concern’ because she really just wants to tell her friend she’s fat. Watching her friend struggle and potentially have a serious related health event, is a much better outcome than intervening and causing offence seems to be the advice. If the 90% who disagree are doing so on that basis, then to my mind the majority opinion is batshit. But hey, this is MN.

You suggested she join you at a dance class - and said nothing more than that, and her response was

I got told they were fine, happy with the way they looked and I was being fat phobic

Really @Biggles27 ! You genuinely just asked if she wanted to accompany you to a dance class?

If you’ve never struggled with your weight, you won’t know just how much fat and feelings of shame go together. One of the reasons the body positive movement took off was because (I believe) so many women felt utterly defeated by their weight but were also incredibly weary of the self-loathing.

Your friend is probably very acutely aware of her weight and speaking to her won’t do anything constructive at all. In fact it’ll likely just plunge her into more shame. It certainly won’t make her go, ‘gosh, you’re right, I will start a diet immediately’. It’s just not how it works.

I’ve battled with my weight my whole life and I can remember 4 or 5 times when friends or family thought they were doing me a favour by mentioning it. I was so utterly mortified, all I wanted to do was hide away and cry.

The only thing that worked was me, suddenly realising I didn’t want to be this way any more. WLIs helped me and I’m now getting into really good shape - it had to come from within me, not the comments of other people.

I think you’re no doubt well meaning but unless your friend brings it up, please don’t say anything.

This! Thinking you know her body, capabilities or mind (past or present) better than she does is an insane level of arrogance.

This is the delusion of self-cherishment right here. What would you telling her achieve? You might feel better that you had "done your duty" or that you were "looking out for her health" but would it really help her? No.

What if it were not as simple as "she just needs to eat right and move more?"
Are you going to follow through and sit with her in the diabetes/endocrine clinic while she gets bloods done? Are you going to help out with her physio or recovery because actually she needs surgery for something? I would bet money on "no".

I, too, want to know what you would say. But you don't seem willing to answer this question, no matter how many of us pose it.

Therefore this feels like another opportunity to have a dig at fat people - there have been lots of threads like that lately. I worry about it yet the impact they may have on some readers' self esteem and eating habits.

Almost everyone in the world would rather not be obese. They won't benefit from constantly seeing threads in active which subtly imply they lack character, or are a bit of a failure.

I'd rather be fat than smug and vindictive. (I'm neither as it happens - I was actually dangerously underweight for a while, and I promise you I'm happier and healthier now I am not constantly obsessing about dress size, weight and calories).

So what can you possibly think you could say thst she doesn't already know herself?

So what exactly would you plan to say to her then? In this message you plan to send. What will you say?

Also - I’m in the absolutely do not do this group. I’ve gained almost 3 stone over the past two years due to medication I’m on, and mental health problems not many know about.

Still none of her business. Just like if the friend smoked or visited air polluted places regularly 😳

Fitness, yes. Weight, no. But you’d have to do it in a light or collaborative way. I.e. you want to get fitter, would she join you?

No but instead of inviting her to lunch etc. You could suggest going for a walk but if she says no then don’t push it.

Dont say anything.. im sure she knows she has gained weight.. unless she talks to you about wanting help etc, you dont bring it up!!

Keep your mouth shut