AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

thought i'd have made it clear from what I posted that i'm clearly not going to go "you're fat, you need to lose weight"

Your AIBU is whether you should break the 'never comment on weight rule'.

What were you actually proposing to say? 'Are you okay, are you finding things physically harder' isn't actually any different to 'you have put on a lot of weight' or 'you need to lose weight'.

As PP said, the only thing you can do is suggest joining a group / exercise together, one that you want to do yourself.

This is what I was going to say. Perhaps ask her if she wants to start walking with you to improve her fitness, so that next year she can complete the race.

No OP, please don't. Your friend will be acutely aware of her weight, despite laughing about her unfitness and appearing not to be bothered. Your friendship will be in danger and she'll be upset, which I'd hope you don't want.

I remember a close friend noticing my weight gain after my mum died (comfort ate). She asked me if I fancied a walk/jog quite often. I went with her then started going alone inbetween. It was a welcomed push to become more active. She didn’t say anything about my weight, just it would be great to become more healthy especially at our age!

There is no way to comment about your 'concern' and keep the friendship. I'd have felt so judged and patronised when I was obese if a friend mentioned it. I knew I was fat and it was affecting my health. The rule exists for a reason

Don't, I have a well meaning friend who I know was itching to say something when I put on a lot of weight in menopause. Especially as at the time she was breezing through the menopause...

A couple of years later she started putting on menopause weight and was finding it hard to shift (she's still slim just not as slim as she used to be and finding it harder to shift the weight than she used to)...and kind of semi- admitted that she was glad she hadn't said anything to me. We all knew I'd put on weight there was no point in saying anything. I'm losing it now - slowly....

"Sad and worried" is just weird. There are so many women who are overweight, obese or morbidly obese just getting on with life and doing so many different things for themselves and other people. They don't need your sadness or your worry. I was morbidly obese, if my friends had staged a concerned "sad and worried" intervention I would have been mortified and I am not sure that I would have managed to get past that in the friendship. And it would not have made any difference to my weight, and probably made it worse due to the embarrassment and attention being focussed on what other people seemingly perceive as a personal failing.

No no no no no.

Ah this is a really tricky situation. It's hard when you really care about someone and can see that they're really struggling. It's hard with things like weight gain too as it's a sensitive topic but people absolutely do notice.

If you care about her then I think it's just about how you frame it. For all you know she might be going through a really horrible time and need some support. People don't really just balloon in a short span of time without there being something amiss.

You could maybe message her and just say hey, lovely to see you at sports day. I hope you don't mind me saying, but I've noticed some physical changes in you over the past few months and I just wanted to ask if everything's okay. I'm here if you ever need to talk' and leave it at that. She will either think you're being a caring friend and it might spark a conversation up, or she will react badly, but at least she knows you care enough to say something.

Or you could message and say 'hey, are you okay? You looked a bit unwell after the race so just wanted to check in' or something.

We have a really weird mentality around weight in the UK, so I know most would say don't say anything. But if you care about her it's your decision to make. Depends how close you are too. If she's just a mate you see at school gates then it isn't your place. But if she's an actual friend then I don't think you're in the wrong for wanting to reach out. I can't imagine my best friend for example ballooning and just not saying anything and vice versa.

Invite her out for a regular walk then. She obviously already knows about her weight but time and opportunity can be a big barrier to exercise.

This happened with two people in my group of friends. One went round to see the other one to have a conversation about how she was really worried about her “health”, wants to support her to live a long and healthy life out of love for her as a friend etc. The friend being lectured was absolutely furious, has never been able to forgive it, and it blew our friendship group apart. Please don’t do this OP. Just be there for your friend - she will absolutely know what the issue is, and at some point (if she trusts that you won’t judge her), she will talk to you about it. At that point you can give her your love and support. But I think you have to wait until she is ready.

Don't raise it unless she asks for your thoughts. You can invite her along if you're going for a walk or an exercise activity but don't labour it or keep repeating.

As someone who has gained a lot of weight - she will know.

I gained weight when I was put on a hefty dose of steroids. I am not a violent person but I think I might have punched any "friend" who tried to tell me. It was bad enough the ones who "congratulated" me when I finally lost the weight. It wasn't due to being a more amazing person, it was due to coming off the meds

Don't.

I have a friend who keeps trying to advise me on various matters because 'if [she] doesn't, no one else will'.

I'm now trying to take a step back from her.

No don’t. I have a morbidly obese friend and I never ever acknowledge it. Even if she says she needs to lose weight I’ll just say something very neutral in response.

Just don’t go there, she’s not waiting for you to say something to motivate her to lose weight. She’ll do it if and when she is ready.

I'm fitter than most people i know cos i like feeling fit. I think its other people's business how they treat their body and would never say anthing, including smoking, drinking, over eating and sedentary lifestyles

Agreed, but she could say - I’m starting to try and go on a walk every Thursday night, do you fancy coming with me.

But what else were you meaning? You've said she struggled physically, and you've said she's gained weight. What else are you thinking she needs to know that you could possibly offer to the situation? Asking "if she's OK" or "if she's finding things harder physically" when you can obviously see that things are harder just seems pointless, as it's still implying that she doesn't know she's fat or unfit. She knows. What she might not know is that people care about her as a person regardless of her weight or size or fitness, so treating her normally like a friend, doing what you normally do, would be the kindest thing! If she asks for support, or someone to go to classes with, etc, that different, and you could do that with her. But otherwise, leave her be. What good would her knowing that you can see she's heavier or more unfit possibly do, even if you couch it in 'concern'? It's not going to make her magically able to lose weight if she can't currently. She will lose it when she's able to address it for whatever reason. Keeping self-esteem up would probably be the most helpful thing, by showing her that her worth as a friend is unrelated to weight or fitness.

Don’t do it! One of my best (and very longstanding) friends is very overweight. She has mentioned it a couple of times and I just say non-committal stuff. I know what I’d like to advise, but she’s never asked for my advice so I STFU. We’ve been away together and I was pretty surprised at how much she ate (snacked).

She was telling me recently she’d put on weight in last few months and we ‘agreed’ it was prob because she had done less exercising but really I think it’s more of a food issue.

Keep your sadness and worry to yourself, your feelings are irrelevant in this situation. It's not up to you to decide what she should do with her body. She knows she's put on weight and the effects it's having on her.

If she talks to you about it just listen, don't say you've noticed, and remain neutral. She will know exactly what you mean if you start encouraging exercise etc. She will take it as you saying she's fat. She knows she is.
If you decide to mention it you can expect your friendship to dwindle.

Speaking as someone whose family member decided it would be helpful several times to inform me how much weight I'd put on. In the end I told her never to mention my weight unless I brought the subject up, i lived every day in my body so it wasn't a surprise that I was fat, up to me what I did about it. If it had been a friend I would have cooled the friendship significantly.

You might not be shaming her but she doesn't need you telling her out right, hinting or saying anything about her health.

She knows. So you don't need to inform her. But you could say: I really want to do C25K but I know I won't do it on my own. Do you fancy doing it with me?

Your not going to say anything she doesn't already know.

You're not really that fit then or in a position to lecture anyone else. You need to do at least 75 minutes at least of vigorous activity a week and a couple of sessions of weight-bearing exercise, plus working on your core. You should be doing running, spin, weights, yoga and swimming like me.

I'm really concerned about you heading towards osteoporosis and a lack of strength, fitness and flexibility as you get older.

How did that make you feel, OP?

I would never actually say that to a friend in real life, even if there is some truth in it. Very much each to their own with exercise.