AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

This woman is very aware she is fat and unfit, what exactly are you going to achieve saying "wow you were so unfit attempting the sportsday race, you really have piled it on, are you ok hun? Let me help you feel a little bit more shit about yourself because you clearly haven't noticed you are double the size compared to a few years ago and can barely walk let alone jog."

Don't do it.

OP borrow my sister in law

she would absolutely advise your friend - bluntly

she would think that she's doing her a huge favour by imparting her advice

(probably cultural)

You haven’t given the rationale for why on earth you would say anything so I don’t understand why you’ve started the thread?

My very un empathetic teen daughter would be horrified at this suggestion, she’d understand immediately why it would be an absolutely hideous and unkind thing to do to someone.

I’m baffled that you don’t get it. You also seemed to revel in all the details of telling us how much she struggled at sports day.

Beak out and focus on your own life.

OP I am going against the grain here and say that sometimes in a real friendship, an intervention/ tough love is necessary. You are obviously concerned about her health, not her looks.

I really don't understand previous posters who suggest you should carry on encouraging this kind of unhealthy lifestyle.

It's a shame in fact that nowadays any negative comment is immediately taken as offence

I had a friend who commented on my weight when we were on holiday when we were 20. Note the word "had". The friendship never recovered and I spent the rest of the holiday covering up in shade feeling self-conscious and judged.

Never comment on someone's weight.

I voted YANBU but not because I think you should say "hey you're fat!".
I have in the past asked friends to go to an exercise class with me when they have (I hoped) been at about the same level of fitness and commitment to me (i.e. we both needed help with both).
I would approach it as "hey, I feel like that sports day was a wake-up call for me as I really felt that race/didn't even manage to start the race because I'm so unfit, good on you for doing it. Would you do me a huge favour and come with me to X class?"

She lives inside her body and you think she doesn't know? Are you quite dim? Or just nasty?

FWIW I don’t think you’re being a dick, or intending to lecture your friend. I can tell from the way you have written this it’s from genuine concern for a friend you care dearly about. However, she knows, and she doesn’t need you to say anything. I say this with kindness 💐

I think you need to consider what you're hoping to achieve from a conversation like that.

If you truly think you can do some good by talking to her about it, then perhaps. But do you think it is likely? Is this conversation with you the thing that is going to make the difference for her and change things?

Are you that close that she will feel entirely secure in that conversation and know 100% that it's coming from a good place?

And is she going to take action as a result of it?

I think it's very risky OP in terms of the cost vs benefit. It's unlikely to be the trigger for change, and is more likely to upset her and damage your relationship.

Personally, there is no one in my life I'd have a conversation like that with except for maybe my husband and even then I'd proceed with caution!

I was going to suggest this too.

If in doubt - as you are - say nothing.

If you absolutely must, then the absolute maximum you could say is 'I was thinking about trying swimming/the gym because I don't do any exercise.' and if she says 'oh, that sounds fun', you say 'Do you fancy being my wingman?' as she's far less likely to sustain any injuries doing those rather than impact exercise at a higher weight.

IF she is thinking about making changes, that gives her a less intimidating way into it or the ability to decline without feeling that you're hedging around OMG you're soooo fat now. Which she is quite probably thinking about herself in any case.

Such a sensitive subject.
I also have a very close friend who has been obese for about the past 30ish years, we’re mid-50s.
She’s an intelligent woman and I know she has tried various diets but only because she’s offered that information to me.
I’ve never initiated a conversation.
The diets haven’t worked and, like you OP, I am also worried about her longterm health in the same way that I would be if she was a heavy drinker or smoker.
I’m worried because I care about her very much.
I understand where you’re coming from OP.

But you'd still be knowingly causing her shame. Even with the best of intentions.

An acceptable option might be walking to a cafe that's a modest distance away for a coffee together on a regular basis. Make sure that exercise isn't the main focus - you are out just because the weather is nice. I would find it stressful to be the subject of someone's concern in this way - it might even have me adding a cake to my coffee through low morale - so I would keep it low-key and more about the chat than how many steps you are managing.

It's not the very worst thing a person could do. But it won't help at all. It won't be news to the friend, it won't make her feel like she's being supported, it will likely upset and embarrass her and damage the friendship. Shame may breed in silence, but it's not for you as an external person to force a break in the silence! It's up to the individual if they choose to speak out about something that's bothering them, not have it forced on them unwillingly.

Can you explain what you would hope to achieve by telling a friend that their weight is now a problem for them, @pillorinjection ?

Unless you are her doctor, you have no idea what her actual health is. So being ‘concerned’ is about you and your feelings toward fat people. In other words, shaming.

Always better to reflect on your own bias and shallowness and whether you could do better as a friend than trying to change her.

Absolutely this. She knows full well she is overweight and unfit, and only she can make the decision to do anything about that. If and when she does, then is the time to show support. Until then, say nowt.

What are you hoping to achieve by this? She will know she is overweight and unfit. She may have health issues that you don’t know about. Just don’t.

When I was very unwell with an ED, my childhood friend who I meet up with a few times a year (and is a GP) did send me a concerned message. She was worried about me. I was able to tell her that I was struggling and was receiving professional help. Mentally I was in a state of denial, intellectually I knew I was very underweight. If she'd raised it when we had met up it would have been terribly difficult; doing so from a bit of distance was still uncomfortable but gave me space to sit with acknowledging that I was unwell.
It didn't change our friendship at all.

I think we have a very odd attitude towards weight given these responses - its like mentiuoning weight is the very worst thing a person could do. Not the same in other countries.

People saying the OP will 'shame' her friend - surely shame breeds in silence.

If she wants to talk about it, she will bring it up. You can listen closely and ask how you can support her. Until then, don't say anything.

She knows, especially if she used to be fit and maintain her weight.

If you did this to me I would cut you out my life. My weight and fitness isn’t for my friends to decide, it’s for me to work on, you would be massively over stepping the mark.

10/10 to her for joining in with the race. 🙌

Good lord no.

If I was your friend and you messaged me like that I'd tell you to fuck off and mind your own business. You wouldn't be my friend much longer.

However you word it, any comment implies judgement of her lifestyle and diet. Just say nothing at all.

There isn’t a kind way to mention it. She knows she’s overweight and doesn’t need you to tell her.

However, you can be supportive if she decides she wants to do something about it and tells you this. You could go for walks together or find other social ways to get active. But you can’t “fix” her. She needs to decide for herself.